"MAGIC 8-BALL: THE RENEGADE MATH WHIZ WHO COULD CHANGE NUMBERS FOREVER
An eccentric billionaire, whose fascinating hobbies include nude skydiving and shark-taming, has been shaking up the scientific world lately with his controversial claim that 8+0 equals 17 [... six more pages about the billionaire redacted ...] It must be said that mathematicians, who we reached for comment because we're diligent reporters, have tended to be miffed, skeptical, and sometimes even sarcastic about the billionaire's claims. Not surprisingly, though, the billionaire and his supporters have had some dismissive comments of their own about the mathematicians. So, which side is right? Or is the truth somewhere in the middle? At this early stage, it's hard for an outsider to say. In the meantime, the raging controversy itself is reason enough for us to be covering this story using this story template. Stay tuned for more!"
And seriously:
"we have no idea yet whether adiabatic optimization (the technology used by D-Wave) is something where quantum computers can give any practically-important speedup."
And how the results match those of the machine based on the classical (that is, not quantum) model: