In the end, if you think normal function declaration is a "syntactic hack" we're simply not going to agree.
I've used a fair few different languages and to me the distinction between a plain old function and a closure is a useful distinction that helps me read the code quicker.
By declaring it as a variable, you're making it hard to decide which it will be as well.
And deeply coupling code for no good reason. This is the other thing I can't understand. I can't even MOVE your function without worrying about side effects.
On a side note, my original post is going up and down in votes like a yo-yo.