Hello, Stranger
nytimes.com
nytimes.com
Being a journalism student in the South at the time, I thought, "Hey, that sounds like a fun experiment." A group of friends and I started an informal club called Map Dart. The premise was to toss a dart at a map, travel to wherever it landed and talk to strangers in the city or town to capture their stories.
We received a lot of negative feedback from people who weren't interested in journalism. Mostly, they seemed to predisposed to think that the strangers in rural Georgia and northern Florida would shoe us away from their properties. Some even joked that we would be shot.
The truth was something much different. Sure, the trips were initially awkward. We would arrive at a small-town diner, look around, sigh and think, "Okay, who's going to break the ice..." But once we got talking, the strangers were always welcoming. The owners of a tobacco farm and a turpentine factory even showed us around their properties. [1]
For me, the experiences of MapDart validate the research in this story. The unpleasantness of interacting with strangers almost always has to do with that initial "ice breaking" moment. It's relatively smooth sailing once the ice is broken.
[0] http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/413/g... [1] http://matadornetwork.com/bnt/the-secret-to-growing-older/
Australia's SBS television station had a show called Front Up which did exactly this. They would randomly walk through the streets, stop and interview people. Random people, fantastic stories:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLEF01EAB281F220ECIf you haven't already read Dale Carnigie's "How to win friends and influence people" that book literally changed the way I communicate with people.
This is such an under-rated classic. Everyone should read it. I don't know where it fits in the technical or business curriculum, but one less book on accounting/strategy/programming wouldn't hurt, and this book has a lot of power.
E.g. When someone is walking through the buffet in a diner, that's probably not the time to ask, "How old are you? How long have you lived here?" Better to say "These yams look delicious" and see where the conversation leads.
[1] - http://www.humansofnewyork.com/ [2] - http://portraitsofboston.com/ [3] - http://facesoforlando.tumblr.com/
A different person each week, just telling their story, accompanied by striking black and white photography from Todd Heisler.
Simple, yet fascinating.
[1] http://www.nytimes.com/packages/html/nyregion/1-in-8-million...
Why? I'm just not friendly. I don't enjoy talking. It's filled with social anxiety and if I want to stop talking I can't just stop. I can't just say "you know what I don't want to talk anymore" and then look away in the middle of a conversation. I don't want to spend 20 minutes or half the day wondering how I came across in the conversation. I definitely don't want my time dictated by others. I had a friend actually get mad at me when I said I would ignore someone who struck a conversation with me on BART, he felt I was obligated to respond to not make that person feel shitty, but maybe that person should just have noticed that my body language is all about being left the fuck alone.
I would personally find it really awkward and unpleasant if every time I got on a train or bus some random tried to engage me in conversation. Just leave me alone so I can enjoy being by myself!
But then the article reckoned everyone in their experiment also thought that, and yet turned out to be wrong, their predictions of their own reaction were mistaken.
Guess the only way to be sure our predictions of our own reactions are correct is to test 'em now and then.
My experience was different. Random people started conversations with me, including a coy girl on the shinkansen, even though her English was as good as my non-existant Japanese. I'm pretty sure it depends on how inviting you look for conversations. I mostly had a dumb smile on throughout my trip, so I guess they liked that.
As long as one isn't overly loud, of course.
If you're outside of one of the "quiet zones" (like the local commuter trains or the subway); I find that people are really warm and friendly and doesn't mind talking for a while or helping you out a bit. I guess it helped a lot that I spoke some bare minimal Japanese (to the point where some started talking English to me, as the conversations approached more medium/advanced territory).
Maybe the problem isn't with other people.
I've had bad days before where I've been cheered up by complete strangers. I don't plan on assuming everyone who reads a book or looks distant has a debilitating fear of human interaction. That would be a disservice to the rest of society.
But doesn't it seem odd to expect common decency from strangers while not extending it? If OP is truly okay with not being friendly, I'm perfectly fine reciprocating.
I believe the article was more referring to people falling into activities as an icebreaker avoidance behaviour than as a legitimate need to concentrate. :-)
see also: Extrovert Ideal.
A really valuable part was booking regular appointments with a therapist. One of the subtle things about anxiety is that it often naturally leads to avoidance. Deciding to be regularly accountable for my progress kept me from just sweeping it back under the rug.
Other than that, I did a lot of experimenting to see how to keep my general stress and anxiety levels low. Diet, exercise, sleep schedule, and home environment all made important differences for me. With a more chill baseline, the social stuff was easier to deal with.
Another chunk was recognizing how self-reinforcing anxiety can be. When anxiety makes an experience worse, it trains us that the experience is bad, which triggers more anxiety next time. Learning to slowly undo that process was helpful. (That might have come out of Hallowell's Worry, but I no longer recall.)
Meditation was definitely helpful. Partly because a big part is practice in quieting one's thoughts and emotions. And partly because it let me more closely observe anxiety and related mechanisms.
And from there, it was mainly practice. Which kinda sucks, but in the same way that training for a sport sucks. The individual moments are often painful, but I do fine as long as I keep my focus on how I'm gradually improving over time.
The article says that those are "commuter norms" in Chicago also, but my own experience is that Americans are much more likely to strike up a conversation in public, even at places like a bus stop or in a grocery check-out line, which would be considered very weird in Denmark or (especially) Finland. When I lived in Santa Cruz, California, on the other hand, it was seen as a bit weird not to at least exchange a little small-talk in some of those situations.
I'm in luck that my commute - both to university and work - includes the train from the Amsterdam airport to the central station, so I'm among tourists all the time there. It generally does seem easier to strike up a conversation with them. But I wonder if that's because they're from a different culture, or just because they're on holiday rather than on their daily commute.
I have the opposite second-hand report, though: a friend from California tried introducing himself to his new neighbors in Boston and basically got no response, as if introducing yourself to your neighbors was a weird thing to do. His general impression is that Bostonians tend to socialize, but grouped along very specific location/class lines, where you're a "foreigner" if you're from even as far as Somerville, let alone California.
Coffee shops and dog parks on the other hand are prime stranger conversation spots. Oddly not bars though in my experience. I'll be moving to Cambridge in a few months so it's good to hear people there are more approachable.
One small contrary datapoint: on my first visit to Seattle from Boston where I was living, I was walking on a downtown city street, uncrowded at the time, and an ordinary passerby made eye contact and said "hi". I almost stopped in my tracks, that interaction would have never happened in Boston at the time. There, it seemed that all strangers in public were to be perceived as threats (probably beggars) unless there was evidence to the contrary. This sort of (perceived) general friendliness was partially what motivated me to move there, that along with the mountains+water and being able to drive 20 minutes from downtown and being in the country. Yeah, Seattle folks, it really was like that on the highways once, not too terribly long ago.
Being from the midwest, I've taken the train in Chicago many times, without ever having an experience like I did in DC. I would say that commuters in Chicago tend to be comfortable exchanging glances with one another and making smalltalk, quite unlike DC.
That being said when I was in Copenhagen I did notice that this openness didn't seem to be nearly as present amongst the Swedes who came over from Malmö. Come to think of it during my travels in Denmark and Iceland the only time Finns or Swedes ever struck up conversation with me was when they were drunk.
Things are more social on weekend evenings where people are on their way "out", though, that's true. And I think starting conversations with foreigners is also done more readily than with Danes, because it sort of suspends some cultural norms. Once you hear someone speak English (or another language) there's an assumption they're probably interested in talking to locals, whereas the assumption is that the average (Danish) commuter doesn't want to be bothered. Plus there's a range of easy intro lines: "where're you from?" or "what brings you to Copenhagen?" or "hey are you guys Australian?"
But to give an example of the kind of thing that was normal in California but which I've never seen in Denmark: checking out at a Trader Joe's and the clerk starting a conversation by asking some random question about what I'm buying. If I'm buying tomatoes & avocadoes, he or she might ask if I'm making guacamole, and mention they did that last weekend and then share a tip about their favorite recipe. Or if I'm buying a bottle of gin, asking if I like it in gin & tonics or in martinis. Or comment on things like, "hey man you look pretty tired, long day eh?" It can start interesting conversations (or sometimes, awkward ones), but either way that kind of interaction in a grocery line would be seen as super-weird and an intrusion on privacy in Denmark.
[1] Informative and somewhat amusing: http://folk.uio.no/geirthe/Scandinavian_images.html
I wouldn't draw any conclusions based on Trader Joe's. Their cashiers are friendly and quirky in that same manner around Boston as well. I wonder how they sustain that kind of culture; maybe the pay is better? Some unique interviewing process?
One striking difference between American and German shopping is that in the latter, the staff would rather die than help you shop. I've never been approached by an employee asking "Are you finding everything OK?" for example. Nichts when cashing-out either, you'll be lucky to get a "hallo". I wonder if there's a "don't talk to strangers" principle at work with that? Maybe they simply don't care - not their job - or think you should be able to find stuff on your own if you're not an idiot?
I go to a kayak shop and I can have a genuinely interesting conversation with the guy over designs and why certain ones would suit certain types of paddler, or river. Someone I have never met before, but we share a common passion.
Then again, when I have visited the States, then it seems to be the opposite. You go to any restaurant, the waiter wants to know your name, tell you his, asks if you are having a nice day. It just comes across as false / and fishing for tips (IMHO its crazy that a rich country like the States has such a backward system for compensating employees baked into its culture).
I also feel awkward where anyone is coming across as fake in their customer service interactions, I feel much more comfortable if they just don't do any routine. I would note though that there are places where people have a script but still implement it in a way that shows they genuinely care, which is nice.
Source: I used to work at TJ's.
This social experiment is very interesting, but the results would probably be very different depending on what country you're in.
What's weird about this, is if you had asked me while I was in Canada, I would have said there is somewhat of a convention of social distancing - but, there is clearly a spectrum.
My social studies teacher once told a story about this: putting north americans and south americans together at a cocktail party can be fun, because the accepted social distance is different. So the south american will move in in order not be rude, while the north american will move back in order not to be rude. This can lead to little groups chasing each other through the room :-)
Sure, it does - cultures vary.
The thing is this:
"Culture" expresses the maturity of our species. And maturity is an ongoing and never-ending process. Which means: you can/shoud always be asking "what must still be improved?" (on a personal and then societal level).
Every culture contains (sometimes very) unhealthy elements. And it's our job to root those out.
Behavioral norms promoting social isolation is one of those immature elements of certain cultures.
1. Americans are so quick to give up their name whereas there are people I've "known" (as in, I can have a conversation with them and we know who each other is) here in the UK for years and I do not know their names (e.g. people at the corner store, people at user groups). This is not unusual either.
2. Talking in elevators. This rarely happens in the UK but I'd say 50% of the time I'm in a hotel elevator in the US, people say "hi", "good morning" or even try to start a conversation. While I find this unsettling at first, I usually coming away from it thinking it's cute.
Actually now that I think about it, it was during the Edinburgh festival weeks, which probably accounts for a lot of the openness. In the Netherlands you're much more likely to chat with a random stranger when it's a national holiday and everyone is out on the streets anyway.
My experiences with Danes, however, is a lot more reserved. At some point I noticed one cashier didn't even make eye contact at the checkout, and I'm just going to assume it was all confirmation bias from there :) but at the end of the week I was mildly creeped out :) :)
Yeah, that would have a huge impact. The Britons open up a lot during cultural events. The Olympics being a big recent example. I have a sense the further you get from London, the better things get too.
I had similar experienced to you in Denmark, although as an introvert I rather liked it. It felt even more pronounced in Norway on a recent trip to Oslo. It was more a friendly silence than an antagonistic one though.
In a way, striking up a conversation with strangers in Northern Europe is easier than in the US, as nobody expects it. "Everyone" will wait to hear you out. No matter how awkward and nervous you sound, people will tend to lap up the attention, because it is so rare.
I'm quite introvert, and a few years ago I decided that I was isolating myself too much, and decided to make some very basic changes. For starters, I decided to greet people as much as possible, and to aim to get eye contact. Not with every random stranger, but e.g. cashiers in a shop; bus drivers etc. or other situations where there was "natural" contact.
What I didn't expect was the outcome: Within a couple of weeks, the cashiers at the shop I used to buy my lunch in were pouring out their life stories to me, after I'd been going there for months without even recognising any of their faces before. If there was a queue, they'd rush past me and motion me to their till and open it. One of the bus drivers that had been on my route for years without me ever recognising him, approached me when he suddenly recognised me at the gym, and we now chat whenever we see each other.
I've since occasionally chatted up total strangers in the street too, and the worst reaction I've ever had was a single time when a girl just kept walking and told me "not interested".
Frankly, a bar is a far more brutal environment. For anyone that fear rejection that wants to talk to strangers, random passers-by on the street will be far easier than a bar or a club even in Northern Europe.
I think the mindset both in the Nordic countries - I'm Norwegian - and England where I'm now, is that other people will think I'm weird if I talk to them, while at the same time because of that, people see it almost as a compliment if they're approached by people that show a genuine interest in them (e.g. in London my experience is that you'll get a positive response from pretty much any random stranger on the street unless you come across as representing a charity; in England there's a word for people collecting for charities on the street: chugger - a contraction of "charity" and "mugger").
More generally, I think people just dislike being engaged in conversation by people with obvious ulterior motives.
It devalues the whole exchange when you know it's only being conducted because the other person wants to relieve you of your money.
I dislike them for it; it seems to me that they're strip-mining politeness. Each time they bug me, I get a little less polite to strangers, a little more wary. I think it's especially ironic when they're begging for environmental charities, saving natural resources by spoiling human ones.
I have seen times when those boundaries have been crossed (particularly when alcohol is involved). It is odd the author did not go into any detail about unwanted interaction, and only focused on extra interaction which supported her hypothesis, without warning for situations which may turn uncomfortable and worse off for the stranger.
For reasons I've never understood, people try to talk to me on trams in my city once or twice a week. Maybe I look more welcoming than I feel.
Some of these conversations are awkward for abnormal reasons (the other person has some kind of mental or dependency issues) but even when the other person is normal: I don't like it.
Simply: I don't like idle chatter. I would rather sit in silence.
Yes, I could simply tell people I don't want to talk. I've done this but unless you actually have a book to hide behind you're likely to endure the rest of the journey being regularly glared at like you're the worst person they've ever met.
This doesn't apply to people with actual questions. That's fine – you can answer the question, be helpful and follow up on the topic or not at your choosing.
But for random unsolicited conversation, I think the cultural norm of avoiding idle chat with strangers is helpful and positive.
On shorter trips I don't really mind, either we'll have an interesting conversation or not, then if it gets awkward I'll get off soon anyway.
Because getting the hint is an art, and few have the empathy to catch hints about not wanting to talk (and/or it's assumed everyone loves to talk)
It's perfectly fine to say "excuse me but I really need to get back to my work in this computer".
Way more polite than trying to "clue them in" using short one-word answers, anyway.
You're never "forced to respond" any more than the simple courtesy of politely informing them you have no time or wish to chat.
That only works if what you're doing is (at least plausibly) something you need to be doing, though.
So, if the thing you're doing is not something you need to be doing, do not use the word "need".
For instance:
"Excuse me, but I would really like to get back to reading my book."
"If you don't mind, I'd really prefer listening to my iPod during this trip."
It's simple. Just politely communicate your feelings, preference and/or needs.
Ironically, this is the sort of thing you tend to learn by ... talking to people.
Unsurprising that people who don't talk to talk to other people seem to
Now, you may point out that these two preferences are extensionally equivalent. But we're working with mental representations here, so the distinction is important.
Also, this approach is not bulletproof. E.g.: You're not doing anything but watching the walls of the subway tunnel go by. "Sorry, I'm trying to...?" This leaves you with a lack of things to say. It also has the general problem of excuse-making (because that is what you are doing when you recast your preferences like that), namely, the person may try to engage you along those lines. ("I'm trying to solve this puzzle." "Oh, yeah? What sort of puzzle is it?" Sure, there's are potential replies to that (e.g. "It's a masyu puzzle, but please leave me alone." or "It would take too long to explain, sorry".) My point is it is not as simple as "just politely communicate your feelings, preferences/and or needs", often because doing so is impossible without violating other social constraints. (Notice how "It's a masyu puzzle, but please leave me alone" is more explicit and less polite in its "go away" -- but this is OK in this context because you've already told the person to leave you alone once. These sorts of things have to be accounted for.)
I could be wrong but it should equally apply to any other coffee shop in a location near offices and public transport (like a metro).
Explanation 1: Either there are more extraverts than introverts in Chicago, or more extraverts volunteered to participate in the experiment (selection bias).
Explanation 2: When it comes to deriving pleasure from short, shallow interaction with a random stranger, there's not much difference between extraverts and introverts. Hell, I'm officially diagnosed with Asperger's and I still enjoy those quick interactions. I just happen to be not very good at it.
As the article itself suggests:
The great thing about strangers is that
we tend to put on our happy face when we meet them,
reserving our crankier side for the people we know and love.
As an autistic introvert, I'm still capable of deriving pleasure from talking with strangers from time to time, but the need to put on a happy face and consciously maintain it also puts a great strain on me. Too much mask-wearing makes me exhausted. At the end of the day, I no longer even have the energy to conjure up a passable mask, so I return to my usual cranky self. In other words, the momentary burst of happiness has a significant energy cost, and the ROI for introverts may be much lower (or even negative) than it is for extraverts.
And yeah, of course the extroverts would feel happier when talking to people, while those who wouldn't feel so rarely even participate in the study [if my suspicion is right].
This happens often enough if you read because people often remark on the book you're reading. It's okay to then have a short conversation that starts off from that so long as it's occasional.
If every single time I got on the train someone wanted to talk to me, I might wear sunglasses and plug earphones in.
I highly recommend trying it. Lots of smiles on both sides.
What about the passengers they accosted? The no talking norm on public transit isn't meant to protect the shy from having to initiate conversations, since that's easy not to do. It's to protect people from strangers who want to but in. I'm sure every loudmouth who tried to strike up a conversation seated next to me on an airplane thought it was a fine idea, but I would have been happier to be left alone.
"The benefits of connecting with others also turn out to be contagious. Dr. Epley and Ms. Schroeder found that when one person took the initiative to speak to another in a waiting room, both people reported having a more positive experience. Far from annoying people by violating their personal bubbles, reaching out to strangers may improve their day, too."
(That's how some of us perceive random strangers engaging us in frivolous chit-chat, regardless of their BAC.)
Speaking to a stranger != accosting. Welcome to the internet, where you can be bold enough to bash well meaning strangers who spoke to you, yet not bold enough in real life to simply decline a conversation.
The etiquette against talking to people on mass transit is a bit like the prohibition most religions have on murder: something you don't need to tell most people, because it's covered by their internal compass--but which is instead intended to suggest an orthogonal reason for holding back to the people for which that compass is broken.
Similarly, while smiling is found to make a person more likeable, grinning like a maniac, probably less so.
Though I did think something similar reading these comments. Living in a city with lots of people it is rare to interact. As soon as you leave the city, and do some outdoor stuff, hiking / mountain biking / kayak, its normal to speak to stranger, and kind of rude if you don't even acknowledge them.
If you ever get the chance to travel Indian railways, say, in a non-airconditioned class (which is cheaper and hence has more "average" people), you will inevitably end up chatting about politics (typically with the older generation), railway route trivia (I seriously don't know why that is SO interesting to my dad's generation), movies/cricket and everything else under the sun.
And if you are a foreigner, god help you. By the time you disembark, you'll have a group of 5-6 people who just digged your life history including how much money you make, out of you.
Except shitty toilets (no pun intended) and general hygiene issues, it is a very interesting way to travel.
My biggest breakthrough was realizing in college, that I could go to a coffee shop and order a cup of coffee and talk to the cashier, and they were usually very friendly. So, now when anyone is serving or helping me (waitress, barista, security guard, guy who empties the trash cans, whatever) I say hi and ask "how's it going". It's not a deep interaction, and it's not huge, but considering the number of days I used to go without saying anything to anyone, it's a nice improvement.
I was given the standard cautionary rules by many, but I have to say that in all that commuting, I never felt threatened even once. Normal folks commuted by bus too. However, there were also quite a few who we were "challenged" in various ways, but still had regular jobs at cafes and such. Since my commute schedule was fixed, I became familiar with them and realized that though there wasn't much conversation going on, the regulars were all familiar with each other.
On one occasion, one guy sat next to me and poured his heart out about how his girl friend ditched him years ago and how upset he's been over it for many years. Then, when a stop came, he wordlessly walked out the door and held it open for one of the regulars. This lady had her eyes to the floor the whole time and after she'd got down, said "bye" to him. He returned a "take care", came back to his seat and resumed his story with me.
I admit I was somewhat uneasy on the bus commutes initially, but this incident totally changed me. Actually, I'd never seen this quality of spontaneous kindness among "normal" folks during my stay there .. and was humbled greatly myself.
I always recall this incident (and all those commutes) fondly. I now think most "normal" city folks who curse each other on every misstep, cant tolerate a couple of seconds delay on the road, who never seem to get a thought to extend themselves out of their pitifully small and limited bodies to someone else; as the folks who are "challenged".
So, coming back on topic, at least start a conversation with the regulars on your commutes.
It's an efficient habit to overcome shyness I think. My next goal: starting a conversation with at least one stranger everyday.
And like the article says, it kind of forces me (the smiling, eye contact, etc) to not just look happy but actually feel happier. And just overcoming the fear of talking to strangers is liberating.
The trouble with this research is that it compared being around people who ignore you with being around people with positive interaction (that turned out almost always ok).
It didn't compare being around people who ignore you and being around people that converse with you pleasantly with not being around people.
Also it failed to take into account how slightly pleasant interactions tend to fade away, but unpleasant interaction tends to burn a scar in ones memory that can hurt for years.
And what about the people who had conversation thrust upon them by a stranger during the train ride?
"The benefits of connecting with others also turn out to be contagious. Dr. Epley and Ms. Schroeder found that when one person took the initiative to speak to another in a waiting room, both people reported having a more positive experience. Far from annoying people by violating their personal bubbles, reaching out to strangers may improve their day, too."
On week days my commute involves a half hour train ride and a 5 minute bus trip either way. While most people are glued to their phones, I purposely avoid using mine as much as possible. I just try to be as friendly as possible.
I am baffled they needed a 'scientific' research to figure this out.
That was an interesting article indeed. I figured I'd just post the title so people have some idea what they're clicking on.
This is so true. It is such an irrational behavior on our part, yet we all seem to do this.
But I also think it really starts to apply to everybody now, as we learn to stay glued to our various electronic devices, wherever we are, whatever we do, whomever we're with.
thats why people talk on planes or longer range trains, etc.
you'd really want to feel required to talk to stranger every day of the week, morning/evening?
Not me.
You may still be right, but empiricism would suggest you should test your belief by making small talk with a stranger and see if you feel better or worse.
First short talk in waiting room for doctor was pleasant. When it turned out they are too frequent, I started to look for isolated places. I guess it is different if you are lonely and need to talk, but I was not lonely at the time. My need to read or being lost in my own thoughts was much higher. Essentially, if I had to spend that visit (they were long) by small talks, I was tired in the evening and preferred to watch tv and be alone. If I could be left alone, I found it much easier to interact with family and real friends in the evening.
The second mode makes me much happier in the long term (plus I get to keep long term relationships).
I think that this is the biggest problem of these studies. They measure short term happiness burst from isolated events. It is like going on a short ski trip, finding it pleasant and then assuming you would be happier skiing on the very same hill every day all year. Maybe yes, but most likely not.
Alternatively, maybe you meant "tiring", i.e. it costs a lot of energy to engage in conversations / social interactions, depending on where you stand on the introvert / extrovert scale.
So I'm on a crowded bus, sitting beside a middle age woman with a severe look on her face. I still had to get rejected that day, so I opened up a can of salted cashews that was in my grocery bag and nervously offered her some.
She seemed startled at first and declined (I got my rejection), but then thanked me in a thick German accent.
She said she immigrated from Germany to Canada 11 years ago and did not have any friends here. She also lived at the same house all this time and not once did her neighbors introduce themselves or say hello. She said it was rare that a stranger would be kind to her.
Her intense expression was gone and we chatted for the rest of the ride. I'm glad I got out of my comfort zone and made contact with this random stranger. It made her happy and me happy too.
If you want a way to meet new people, Rejection Therapy is ideal. Many of the rejection cards require interacting with strangers.
This is the first time I've heard of "rejection therapy". It interests me but maybe it approaches the problem in a destructive/negative way (that is, keep doing something uncomfortable until it isn't)? I've learned to deal with rejection by reminding myself that people have their own problems and embarrassing histories; they aren't really that different from me. Thinking about it in a humanistic way like that, instead of a negative/destructive way, lets me get over things immediately.
I'm more at ease initiating conversations and making small talk. The change over how I used to be is huge.
Apropos, this wonderful Thai commercial that is making the rounds - http://youtu.be/cZGghmwUcbQ
Target - female, attractive, youngish
Initiator - male, single, below average attractiveness