Ask HN: Spouse not on the same page

I hate to write this but you come across self-absorbed. I would have hated to be married to someone like you - "isn't as intellectual as me", "demands a lot more time", "emotional stress", "couch potato", "unlikely will find a job", "wants to turn homemaker ..". Just the number of negative expressions you used for your wife is staggering in a short little paragraph.

It appears that you see her as liability rather than asset. First, change your outlook toward your wife. If you can't value her properly, you are not going to value anyone else either. Startups require lot of sacrifices not only from you but also from others involved. Spouse and family do the most sacrifices to achieve entrepreneurial dream of a family member. Putting them down is not going to get you far. Learn to respect what others bring to the table.

I will suggest you forget about being "entrepreneurial" and focus on salvaging one project "Your wife, your marriage, and your relationship". Once you recognize the positive qualities of your spouse then talk about growing the family or becoming entrepreneurial.

ed: Apologies for being rough in my response. The OP just touched a raw nerve.

This response is a bit "rough", but I had more or less the same impression. I don't think this question was about being an entrepreneur and how to do this if you have a family.

The question is about what kind of girl you'd like to have instead of your wife. Or at least, that's how it comes across...

It's obvious the author is not 100% happy in his marriage, and it is definitely very very true that entrepreneurship requires a lot of sacrifice on part of the family - but I see the source of his frustration. He feels he is the only one responsible for his family's financials. Only he and his spouse can resolve this situation, and what way they end up going is up to them. It is unfair to put all the blame on his, though. It takes (at least) two people to run a family, you know.

Maybe she is a liability? The OP didn't go into any details about why they courted and how attracted they are to each other now, so it's hard to judge the OP definitively as you did.

It's also possible that maybe the OP would benefit from separating and moving on to pursue the live he wants to live.

I say this because I'm in a similar situation myself. I like my gf very much. She's one of my best friends. However we've grown apart since we met 2 years ago and I can relate to all the sentiments of the OP. We just don't have enough in common for a long long relationship of decades, and we'd both be happier apart, though I'm not sure she recognizes that yet. My intent is to move on, but I'm sticking around until she gets through a big stressful life change that should be resolved in 1-2 months.

At the end of the day, I would imagine the the OP is not struggling with her not being as intellectual as her, but that she simply doesn't share the same values. He sounds driven, curious and autodidactic and she sounds like she is seeking comfort, acceptance of the status quo and wanting to settle down. If they don't share the same values or at least are not at the same place in their lives, should they even be considering raising a kid together? Although I feel the same as the OP, I realized that all those sentiments ultimately derived from fundamental differences in personal values that as far as I can see are irreconcilable. I don't yet know when I want to raise a child, but I do know how I want to raise a child and what kinds of values I want to teach them and those are not aligned with the values of my gf.

Remember, it's also entirely possible that there is more to life than trying to salvage the project that is "your wife, your marriage, and your relationship". I helped keep my parents marriage together for 16 years and I regret the last 7 years of doing that. They would both have been much happier than they are today had they separated in 1999 instead of 2006.

You need a marriage counselor, not advice from HN. You should also know that your 30s are not "your last chance to do something entrepreneurial". If you believe tech's ageist memes, I've got bad news for you: you're 10 years past what vocal tech morons think your prime was.

Of course, we do not know the author's exact situation, but this is the impression I got as well from the posting: he is unhappy with the status quo. Blaming the author for being "self absorbed" is counter productive, it always takes two people to make the marriage work, and the wife is just as responsible. Marriage counseling seems a very good option.

Why the f%%k do people think 30's is old? A 50 yr old George foreman KTFO the heavy weight champion of the world but a 35 yr old must not be able to handle algorithms.

I don't want to go all Dr. Phil on you, but you have to sort a couple of things out with each other. Your wife isn't going to have kids, you both are. Before anything, make sure you get on the same page about having children. The responsibility is bigger than anything entrepeneurial you'll ever do, but so are the rewards. I'm like you, mid-30's, no succesful startup just yet, but I have two children. They're my no. 1 priority and inspiration. They don't stand in the way of working on my startup, although they delay the work somewhat, but I don't mind that.

Having kids is awesome if you're (plural!) ready for it. It also doesn't mean giving up on your dream. I work 4 days a week, I take care of the kids 1 day a week and the weekends, and work on my startup while commuting and on some evenings. It's perfect like this.

Whatever you decide, good luck. Shoot me an email if you ever want to chat about parenthood and startups!

Sure, I'm in my mid 40's, married, bunch of kids, full time job. I've been involved with (failed) startups and side projects. I've also made a few things I'm proud of even if not hugely successful. Having a family definitely brings more pressure and time constraints but also a lot of benefits. It's not the end of life if you don't make it big in your 30's.

This is not your last chance to so something entrepreneurial, but it is getting close to her last chance to start a family. (And quite frankly, for every year you continue to delay having kids, the physical stress of raising them is going to get that much more difficult. Much easier to handle a toddler at 30 than it would be at 35 or 40.) Your wife's desire to have children is not a hobby or an affectation, it's the human condition. Do what's best for your wife and children, and you'll be rewarded many times over.

As a bonus, you will quickly develop the ability to survive on far fewer hours of sleep per day. That'll come in handy when you're starting new ventures in the future...

I think it's really up to you. If you do not feel comfortable being a sole provider for a stay-at-home-mom and a kid, do not do it. There is no point in doing something you feel forced into, nor will it bring peace into marriage. Resolve your marriage problems before jumping into irreversible decisions.

Second!

In order for your marriage to work it is likely that you will need both make compromises to create a life that you both can be satisfied with. You'll only get this through a lot of open communication with your wife.

I am really troubled by the fact that the first thing you mention about her is that she isn't "as intellectual" as you are, not to mention the other negative things you said about her in your post. I think those are all things that you need to pretty quickly determine whether or not they are a big deal to you. If they are, then this marriage is in for a rocky future.

Also, please don't have kids to try and fix your marriage. Get your troubles reasonably sorted out before you even think of bringing children into that environment.

Hey there,

I'm in pretty much the same spot except that my wife and I had multiple children last year (yes at the same time). A few pieces of advice:

- Having children will test your marriage like nothing before. If you are not happy now, consider that you are going to be even less happy in the future. The children will bring you boundless joy, but don't expect that to make your marriage better. Just my experience there.

- Now that I am able to get some sleep again, I find that the quality of my ideas has improved. I have a lot less time to work on them, but the dream is not gone. I also found a job that allows me to work from home and provides a good pay with equity.

- Your salary will suddenly feel like it is not enough. But it is. Consider what your parents raised you on and what sacrifices they may have made. My mom raised three of us while learning english and going to college. It wasn't easy. She made a quarter of your salary after getting a degree.

- It is overwhelming, but like any test, you will find out who you are in the process, for better or for worse.

My wife has gone through that couch potato phase. I think that you have to get her to find something that will break the depression she is possibly going through. Help her to become motivated.

You are not alone.

I'm in my mid 40's married, two kids, one in college. I am working a day job and a doing my own startup. I try to stay fit and stay away from sick people. Wife works but makes 1/3 what I make so it's going to be a hard transition if I decide to go full time startup, but its there. Don't worry about it, just do it.

My advice is to get a job at corporation that pays twice or more than your current income. Just keep asking for this much and sooner or later someone will agree. When you'll see piles of money, more than you ever dreamt of needing, flowing in for doing easier things than you do today you'll stress much less about percieved inefficiencies of your wife and life. I was in similar situation to yours and used to sob on my birthdays and other yearly occasions. It all ended once I began to earn absurd amounts of money (for my standards). It really helps to earn more than you need to see how useless money is to shed of the fear of not getting rich disguised as ambition.

What a great advice - if you are feeling financially insecure, and feel like you have no support network - just get a job at $240K +. Why doesn't everyone just do that?

I'm not sure about exact numbers, but when you are 30 something and ask for a lot of money people are thinking you are worth it and the only question for them is whether can they afford you or not. And suprisingly some answer "yes" to that question.

If I had to choose between having kids and starting a company, I'd choose the kids with no regrets. Startup life is overrated.

someone who built India's largest private pharmacy network - Guardian Pharmacy - once told me that the key to a sustained startup marathon is to make sure that your lifestyle does not worsen by more than 30%. So if you used to eat out three times a week, you should be able to eat out twice.

this holds true at any point in your life - whether you are a 20 year old doing a ramen startup or a 30 year old with kids. If you have the financial nest egg to be able to maintain a lifestyle at 70% of your original, you should do fine. Now, the way to achieve it is harder - this means that even when you are earning, you are proactively saving a lot ... which means not buying that latest gadget that your coworkers are buying.

This is very, very hard.

In short - dont worry... if you can save.

Honestly, it's a myth that being an entrepreneur is the exclusive domain of the young. People in their sixties have successfully founded companies. Never let anyone tell you you're too old.

Having children, on the other hand... it would be great if the same were true there, but unfortunately biology dictates otherwise; this really might be your last chance for that. Besides it seems like this is also the time when your wife needs a break from the office grind. Maybe she'd feel like getting back to that in later years when children are grown up.

So to be honest, it sounds to me like she's right, this is the best time to have children, and think about the startup game at a later date.

I agree that it's never too late to be an entrepreneur. I disagree though that the best time to have kids is when your spouse is already feeling overwhelmed, as the author states to be.

To add to that, I don't think that having children precludes entrepreneurship or taking risks. There are plenty of counter-examples.

While kids are indeed an added financial responsibility (though when they're young, they don't require much), they can also help turn you into a more disciplined worker who makes more efficient use of the free time that they do have.

I recommend listening to the Bootstrapped with Kids podcast [0] for a window into this world.

[0] http://www.bootstrappedwithkids.com/

Having kids doesn't prevent you from being an entrepreneur. Many of my startup founder friends jumped in despite toddlers. And you've got time--nothing will stop you from self funding a startup at age 60.

By contrast, biological clock can stop her from having kids in about 3-5 years. She's likely wired to ramp up focus on wanting this. Shut up and make babies.

Two important issues to keep in mind:

A) Wife is going through a lot of stress as she has been let go and if she wants to work again is going to have to accept a significant demotion.

B) Wife is in her mid-30s and is rapidly approaching an age where she needs to have kids (if she wants them).

Actually, I would advise you to get on and have the children earlier. Do you want to be an old Dad, straining to keep up with your kids?

I now have two children. I kind of wish I had had them earlier. When you are younger you have way more energy.

Your chance to be an entrepreneur has a lot more years left in it than her chance to have kids. In her mid 30s, it's her final years to ever have them (with good odds to have them be healthy at least).

I've raised a family of 3 kids, and never had anything but entrepreneurial jobs. Even started a couple. Choose the kind where you get paid. Simple as that.

/r/firstworldproblems