Depressed again | Hacker News Reader

Depressed again

19 pointssolo-burned22 comments

Startup for several years, but little to show for it. Co founders left, and I have been alone for nearly a year. The product is in beta, and I have not made any publicty. My infrastructure is being used by some customers. Revenue is falling again. No time and energy left to grow it currently.

I have recently started working in a Coworking space. At least I am building up a routine, and not procrastinating that much. But who knows, I have been here for only three days now. Atmosphere is nice though, and this will probably help. Costs have increased in 200$/month. Scratch that: no more coffee shops, so saving on coffee and sitting comfortably now.

I am feeling very depressed. The only thing that motivates me is doing sport, and playing computer games.

I am sleeping a lot, in an unhealthy way: I go to bed relatively early, read my tablet, watch a video, generally lose time, unable to sleep. I watch too many movies, without interest, just killing time. I have not read a book in ages. In the morning I do not feel like standing up, but I still manage most of the time to be on my feet before eight.

I am not going out very often, but if I do, old patterns emerge, and I drink too much. I am not that young anymore, so that burns a lot of energy. I have never had alcohol problems, but this is dangerous in my situation. I should be careful.

Getting married next year, but not in the mood. My girlfriend is probably very unhappy, but does not say anything.

Not very keen on hanging around with people currently, but I still have some friends.

I am living a multiple failure: startup failure together with midlife crisis, and no children, which is something I miss.

Money is fortunately not a problem, but I am becoming unemployable, and burned-out. Going back to the employee / consultant frigthens me. I love the freedom I have. I want so much for my startup to succeed ... It is my only priority. I do not want to give up.

Any feedback is very much welcome.

You should probably not knowingly neglect your girlfriend, you'll likely end up regretting it big time if you push her away.

I wish I had more to say that'll be helpful. Maybe start making peace with the possibility that your venture is failing.

I am really planning on giving her more attention. My mind is blocked in my startup, so it is very difficult for me to disconnect and be 100% with her whenever we are spending time together.

And regarding my venture: I can not let my baby go. I must do anything I can to save it. It is a part of me.

Let me echo Edmond's post, and then some: start diverting a lot more attention to that fiancee. You said that you're getting married next year, so that implies that she is not just a girlfriend but rather someone you've decided to make your partner in life.

A spouse takes care of you when you're sick as a dog, either with the flu or cancer. A spouse provides you with the brutally honest intellectual sparring partner you generally won't find in other friends. A spouse supports you when you've had a crap day, month, or year. And, of course, the reverse is expected.

Name me a business that will do the same. If your 'baby' took off tomorrow in all the ways you have dreamt, would it do any of those things?

You are in an understandably low place. But if you ignore or neglect the individuals who are willing and able to help get YOU (and not your business) into a better place, YOU will not be in any condition to improve your professional life.

Do something NOW so the friends and fiancee you have NOW remain in your life. Business be damned: it is the people in our lives that make it worth living.

You've done the right thing by reaching out for help. If you don't care for my advice, go find a professional for a second/third/fourth opinion. There's no shame in that, but the regret you may feel in the future by squandering your relationships now may be crushing. Act.

> My mind is blocked in my startup

Your post states otherwise; right now your mind seems to be blocked by self-admitted mindless time-wasting.

You say your startup is "part of you" and that you "must do anything you can to save it". I think you want to think that, but you don't actually think that, because your time usage stats tell a very different story.

Take a step back and be with your two competing stories: the one you want to believe on an emotional level, and the one you must believe on a rational level--the story you're actually living.

That's the only story that matters.

1. Alcohol is a depressant. Stay away. Drink water. (I am assuming you are not an alcoholic).

2. Define 1 baby step related to your work. (Any easy one that you are sure you can accomplish quickly and easily). Do it. Rinse & repeat. It will get you back on track.

3. Get some air regularly. Walk. It helps.

I stay mostly away, but sometimes being with friends and having fun leads to too much drinking. Nothing excessive, specially because I do it very seldom. If I was going out regularly, the problem would be serious.

Point 2 is very good advice. I will try that.

Point 3 will make my girlfriend happy, and give me some sanity back. I must definitely do that.

Happy to help. See you on the other side.

I could have written more. But I figured you need an actionable 3 point plan rather than a long rambling.

I cannot stress the usefulness of:

1) Professional help. 2) Family support (parents?). Are your friends real friends? Can you trust at least one of them with your problems? 3) Give real value to whatever you do that has value. And try to, instead of 'watching movies, lose time, etc...' give true value to 'just relaxing' (some people would say mediation, I guess) without 'doing' anything.

But I cannot help any more.

1) is good, very good. 2) is also key: having something who is not afraid of hugging you and reminding you of the positive things about yourself which you are unable to value now.

I shall pray for you, whoever you are. You can find my mail at my profile (pedro, pfortuny.net) but I guess we live in different time zones.

Hope you make it out of this!

I suppose that part of the problem is that I hate to talk about my failures with other people. I also hate to talk about successes: I am more of the "see what I have accomplished" kind - I like to show things, not to talk about them. But showing failures is very awkward.

My family and friends are correctly guessing that I am not having a great time, but I am quite dismissive about it. And I manage to avoid talking about it because in general I am quite a positive person, and I still manage to have fun when I am with people (mostly). I have just this very important thing (to me), which is failing and dragging me down with it.

Thanks for your prayers (I am atheist, but thanks anyway). We are geographically closer that what my article suggests, but I prefer to keep it vague.

But showing failures is very awkward.

Agreed. I hate, hate, hate the idea of personal failure... even though I accept that failure itself is a learning process. The fact that one does not succeed is humbling.

But the alternative is worse: concealing your failure to the degree that it leads to a huge fall, with greater consequences.

Sorry for the delay.

Well, as a matter of fact I am quite positive and one of the things I realized when I was depressed was that I was quite good at hiding it (until it reached a point when it was no longer possible) from family, friends etc...

I think I understand what you say by 'see what I have accomplished' but as you realize, a great part of 'depression' is just the inner feeling of worthlessness of all that one does and one needs someone (some people) to support him.

Everybody needs a life apart from what one 'does'. Everybody is worth another person's love, time, respect and support, just because of himself.

I do hope you find help. And try to get a good professional also.

All the best.

The price of Freedom & Autonomy is Focus & Self-Discipline. Assuming your assessment is correct, you already know what you must do. Look it's hard, brutally hard as a solo-operator. Now, get your head in the game.

Depression is a serious thing, and it could be necessary to get on some medication, or some other sort of professional involvement that's beyond anything I can do. But what I can tell you is what's worked for me: I've been through rather severe depressions, and I find that the number one thing that help me is exercise. Lots of exercise. A balanced life is what you are really after, and the best way I've found to start is to get a lot of exercise. At least half an hour, five days a week of aerobic exercise is what really works for me. I've tried strength training and aerobic exercise does more for my overall mood.

It's easy when you are depressed to see everything as much worse than it actually is, so you should be aware that your brain is, in a sense, lying to you. Give yourself credit for trying something, even if it didn't work out quite like you thought it should.

So here is my advice: Do one small thing today (or even better: right now) to get some exercise. Go for a walk outside, even if it's just around the block. Get away from any electronics for a while and go for a walk or bike ride, or anything physical out in nature.

If you want to get some extra credit, then go spend some time with friends. Find a friendly local coffee shop or a meetup group, or whatever you usually do when you're feeling social.

EXERCISE outdoors. If you are not getting outside, you are likely low on D3. If you are not exercising your brain function will decline. 3 one hour sessions will make a big difference. just go for a walk or a hike and build up from there. the exercise should be strenuous to some degree and cause stress. the physical stress response and your overcoming it will have many positive side-effects in other areas.

seduce your girl friend more! it's a practice. strap her in a chair and lick her pussy until she is a quivering jelly. take her on a hike to a beautiful view. go play in a fountain with her. give her an adventure without any money and without a video screen. the creative and physical challenge of doing this for her enjoyment and for your pleasure with her will enhance your quality of life and enhance your ability to focus. One date per week, you and her alone having fun. no excuses.

go dancing and to parties where you socialize, not where you drink. social events like this will enhance both your own feelings and your relationship with your gf. You don't have to "like" these things, they have positive effects for all human beings whether extroverts or introverts. also, tell people about your startup as "what you do". Ask people what they do and what they struggle with. This can open up opportunities for you to help them.

learn more about the world. There are bigger issues and problems than yours. go look at them. this will help for the last and most important thing you must try to do:

PRACTICE GRATITUDE

A practice of gratitude will free you from the drudgery of your startup and help you to see it's advantages and fun in new ways. "I am so grateful for my GF because...." "I'm so grateful to be facing these challenges in my startup because..."

When you train yourself to orient around gratitude, both your happiness, productivity, and clarity will increase.

I'm sorry to hear.

First thing: if money isn't a problem, that's really awesome. Put work in a box for a bit. Quit trying to make the business a rousing success for a month or two, and just work 8-2 or 9-3 or whatever schedule works for you and keep the lights on. From 3 on, do the stuff you like to do. Seriously, hold yourself to it. Put it in a box and punch out at 2 or 3 pm or whenever. You have to contain it before you can unpack it and figure out its proper place in your life.

Second: Forgive yourself for not being a wild public success. This startup thing is hard (I know, I've been doing it for 10 years), and it's even harder alone. If you made enough to eat and keep a roof over your head without being an employee, you have something to show for it.

Third thing: Read The E-Myth Revisited by Michael Gerber and the 4-Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss. I know the second book gets love and hate from people, but I think he locked on to a key piece of wisdom early. It's not about not working or not doing stuff. It's about getting money out of the way so that you can spend your time on things you're passionate about. Those things aren't necessarily fun or easy, but they make you feel alive and purposeful.

If you're a person of faith, talk to your religious leader. If not, maybe sign up for something like meditation, Happify.com or something to reconnect you with things that make you happy or at least get you centered and get your anger, sadness, and guilt processed.

Last but not least, talk to your fiancee. Admit everything you're feeling. Cry it out if you have to. If you can't talk to the person you're going to marry about what's down inside you, it will be a problem later on. I don't know your situation, but assuming it's otherwise good with her and she loves you, she will appreciate your vulnerability and support you where you need it.

You've done good work to get this far; a lot of people don't have the ability, and fewer still have the courage. You don't have to give it up. You just need some real rest.

If I play a tennis tournament and let's say I'm losing... I say to myself "You're not in the shower". This means that I still have control and can turn it around. If I'm in the shower after the match then it's over and there is nothing I can do. This is my message to myself to kick myself in the ass. So... you aren't in the shower yet. You have control. But you need to use that control and change course. Much of life is duty, and there is great honour in duty. As I'm sure you know, the devil is in the details. If you decide that this duty is worth doing, then you need to slap yourself in the face and do it. Your post is full of excuses but no real reasons.

Good luck.

Investigate cognitive behaviour therapy - a course of about one hour per week for 8 to 14 weeks.

Then investigate the existing online versions of CBT, and make better versions. (See the NICE guidance for computer CBT for examples).

Recognise that failure is practice. When you play a musical instrument you know that you can't just play the good so gs perfectly rigt away and that you need to practice. Company failure is just practice and learning.

Realise that there is luck involved in start up. Would you feel bad if you rolled a die 20 times and didn't roll a six each time?

Self acceptance is the key to happiness. Surrender to being what you are. If you do not want to give up, do not feel blocked You are losing a round, not the whole game. And remember you are not the only depressed guy out there. We are even more than you imagine! :) Feel free to whine. It will make you more productive in the long run! Life is a journey in which no one wins, and that no one really loses!

Dude, sometimes its time to take a break, go find a job for someone else and start working there. Learn something new, and take a break, then come back with it as a side project.

No one wishes on their deathbed for an extra day to catch up on some office work.

Well you seem to be treating your startup like an office job.

Figure out why??? Maybe its time to pivot, atleast for your sanity.

I have bought into this mantra that by putting lots of effort into it, something will come out of it. This is not working out for the moment.

So yes, you are right, I am doing a more strict office schedule than when I was working for other people. I hope this will pay out some day.

Look there is value in persistence but at the same time you need the wisdom to change when needed. Doing the same things will give you the same results most times. Want different result, do different things.

hence my suggestion to pivot to clean up your head. Can't suggest specifically unless the details are known.

Having said that, this is the normal life of a founder and I would also go through similar emotions at some point of time.

Reply on news.ycombinator.com