Comment by ChuckMcM | Hacker News Reader

Comment by ChuckMcM | Hacker News Reader

That was an interesting read, I can't figure out if she believes it or not.

The people I've met who were easily intimidated by wealth, power, intelligence, or money seem to share a common fear of being judged. Clearly just anecdotal evidence is useless here but the heart of the intimidation on those people (when I asked about it) was fear that they would be judged and found wanting. That fear intimidates them, not the intelligence or the power or the money.

As a random part of my life growing up I spent quite a bit of time in Las Vegas (there is an Air Force base there). And people living there had a really non-chalant view of money, after all you could be down to your last quarter, play it and suddenly be up a few hundred thousand dollars. It didn't "mean" anything, so having it or not having it didn't "mean" anything. But I went to school in LA and in LA it seemed that having money "meant" you were better than people who didn't have it. Which I rejected out of hand, after all I knew people who were complete scumbags who happened have a ton of cash back in Vegas, so clearly there wasn't a correlation here. But for the folks who had grown up believing in that correlation they were out to 'get money' so they could improve their standing in society. And that I found a very crazy notion indeed.

So the author is intelligent and she understands that she had nothing to do with the particular gene mix that brought her particular brand of intelligence out. That's great, some folks aren't so lucky and they fear being judged as "dumb" or simply "not smart." Is that wrong? Well I certainly consider it wrong to judge someone that way. But are they wrong for fearing they will be judged that way? Probably not, there are plenty of people it seems who would be more than happy to point out to them a relative deficit in IQ. Is that healthy? No of course it isn't.

So at the end of the day when I was feeling crappy because I had been teased at school for asking "stupid" questions like how birds fly upside down. My Mom would say "Oh honey, they are just jealous." Which, while I'm sure she meant well, didn't really help me with how these "jealous" kids seem to be looked up to by others and I seemed to be looked down upon by them. Thus I can't see how telling someone who is feeling intimidated to not feel that, really helps all that much.

One of the best techniques for reducing the fear of being judged is to 'level the playing field'. You simply do this by finding something you're good at that the other person isn't. No matter how arbitrary it is ("I'm better at chess than you!") there is a still a nature tendency for people who have more power/wealth/intelligence to want to compete. Thus they focus on the one thing that you're better at and judge you less on the million other things that you aren't.

I like this idea, and I think it's helped my confidence greatly over the years because of my disparate hobbies (he's a better coder than me, but can he do a backflip?).

I've been pondering lately, if I defined my own decathlon, would I win the world championship? Maybe the state championship at least?

indeed. here's a good video that describes a similar idea:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DO1Q7F23DxM

Boxing training helps a lot, too. Knowing you can send that 50 pound bag flying can really boost your confidence around anyone, even if you'll never actually use that strength.

She says strength doesn't matter, but try being around a bodybuilder without feeling at least a bit intimidated.

This makes a lot of sense.

Your physical body is your "user interface" with the world, so if your body is weak and sickly, it's hard to project force and confidence into your interactions with other people.

I'm not talking about being a bully, of course. I'm talking about standing up and being confident being assisted by the deep, body-centered knowledge that you are able to effectively 'handle' yourself and your physical environment.

>> She says strength doesn't matter, but try being around a bodybuilder without feeling at least a bit intimidated.

A very large muscled man will really distort a social setting. Men will offer to buy him drinks. Women want to touch him. It commands immediate respect from everyone around. It's very strange.

It's not that strange. We're all still just primates after all. Being the physically dominant male in the room will probably always carry a bit of cachet.

"It commands immediate respect from everyone around", certainly not from me, I think a bodybuilder is just someone who spent a lot of time a the gym building muscle for the sake of building muscle, and my gf says they are "gross". My prejudice says I could easily outrun those guys, I'd be more intimidated by a martial arts expert although usually they are on the non-violent side.

We're still wired to assess potential danger and the strength/weaknesses of our surroundings, especially people and animals.

The first thing that the brain thinks when seeing a bodybuilder is that it would not win in a fight, nor would it be able to run (no, you can't outrun them - they may have no endurance, but in the first 5 minutes they can outrun and outmatch almost anyone), so instinctively, it's afraid and more careful/respectful in order not to anger that person.

The same goes for martial art experts of course, but it may not be immediately obvious that the person is stronger/faster. If you are the MA expert, you'll be confident that you can take on anyone in the room, which makes you calmer and increases your outwards confidence, as well.

It's all really interesting, indeed...

The thing ppl are missing here is that it the muscles matter much less than the confidence/energy the body builder is projecting. Imagine the same bodybuilder after punching a baby. He won't command respect. He may gain internal confidence through his bodybuilding efforts, and he may further boost that through social approval of those around him, but it's all based on his internal confidence, not a fait accompli of having muscles.

There is some truth in "finding something that you're good at that the other person isn't" - but not all "somethings" are equal. Certain things are flashier, and more intimidating than others - for example, you could be the world's best software engineer, but you'd be way less intimidating than a bodybuilder, boxer, hot guy/gal, movie star etc. I'm not saying this is right or wrong, but this is the way the world seems to work.

My father gave me a good piece of wisdom on that subject.

He told me that when you face someone who would be "intimidated", you have to realize that when this person is going to have to go for a crap, he will be sitting on the same seat everybody sits, and will be ejecting stinking shit like everybody else.

We are all humans.

This reminds me of a similar strategy of dealing with intimidation from the Upright Citizens Brigade. Probably NSFW: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DO1Q7F23DxM

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