Someone said this to me once, "if your professional life kicks ass... u r taking a beating in the personal front." Its not a universal rule, but I am sure a lot of people can relate to it.
Rather than cribbing about having to make a compromise. I think the best bet is to involve your partners as much as possible in discussions about your venture so that they know how important this is for you and how it is in the best interests of the relationship. Go ahead and ask your spouse for suggestions/feedback and keep her in the loop, never leave her in the dark. Share your vision with her. If she does share your vision, then she is going to support you 100%. Then it becomes a non-issue. Its easier said than done, but definitely worth a shot. I am sure Guy would agree with this approach.
In short - "Try to establish a mutually benefitting connection between the two parallel lives."
It's not worth starting a startup when you're married.... especially when you've been marrired for less than 2 years and/or have young kids.
1) Too much risk. Why lose a mortgage (and your wife!) over a dream? If you're married and want to have a family, get a stable job, get a mortgage and take care of your family's future. Not having any money (or very little) for few years can be extremely stressful on a marriage... especially if you're not financially stable. If you're financially stable and have millions in the bank, well, then this does not apply to you and you can do whatever pleases you.
2) You won't have as much time since your wife will demand that you spend a lot of time with her. If you're in a startup, your startup will be your wife and your kid and your family for at least a year. You'll be competing against other teams which don't have time limitations and against people who are working 12-14 hr days. You simply won't be able to compete with them. If you start spending less time in a startup than your cofounders, there will be some serious tensions!
3) Do you have young kids? Spend your time with kids, not in a startup. You'll be glad you did later on. No matter how much money you make, you won't be able to buy back time!
Anyway, I speak from experience. I've been in a startup (I was an employee) in which one of the cofounders divorced after 6 months because his wife ended up cheating on him... since he was never around with her.
For someone who feels like I do this is totally non-negotiable. I would have no problem losing a woman over this question because it would only filter out women that are worth losing anyway.
This is one of my main reasons for starting a startup - I want to be able to spend more time with my kids. At my current job, I get maybe an hour and a half to spend with them each night after coming home from work, before they have to go to bed.
Starting my own company and getting it to the point where it's profitable will allow me to spend the time I need with my kids. I'll be able to work from home, doing hours that are necessary to keep the company going. My kids and wife will see more of me, and we'll all be happier. :)
If you're racing with competitors to get the attention of people who live their lives on the web, having no other commitments is an advantage. That's not what I'm doing.
One thing I'm sure of is that my dad would have been miserable if he had a straight job and that would have affected our family a lot more than material instability.
There are many lessons that you can teach a child about resilience - about fortune's ups and downs and how to handle risk that are unavailable to those who put their lives on hold to rear a child. I wouldn't have had any other childhood. We had extreme fortune upheavals. At one point, the family lost everything. But dad started again and made a success. I still wound up attending an Ivy League school and hope to apply the lessons I've learned growing up to the startups I'll start.
We went through the start-up stage with another business before we had children, but we won't think of postponing this start-up because of our kids. It is hard work to combine starting up and parenting, but being parents while working a traditional 9-to-5 is hard work, too.
We have found that we are happier when we are being creative on our own, regardless of income level. When we're happy, the kids are happy, too.
They have adapted well to everything we've thrown at them so far. And we are encouraged by their go-with-the-flow attitude.
In the end we want them to understand that you make your own life. The best way we can teach them this is to actually do so ourselves....and that's what we are doing.
Sounds like that's what you are doing, too.
On the other hand, a spouse or significant other who's not supportive -- or who means to be supportive but who doesn't actually offer much support, which is worse -- can put enough of a drag on things to make the company fail.
And as brlewis notes, a lot depends on the pace you're trying to run the company at. If you're using the traditional VC-funded web startup model and working 100-hour weeks in the hacking zone, your relationship with your spouse/SO is going to suffer. If you're using the consulting/micro-ISV model and expanding the business gradually, it's likely to put a lot less strain on the relationship.
I agree to a point, but having kids does not relegate you to life in a cubicle, slowing building your 401 K, and complaining about not having enough Paid Time Off.
I think if you have a burning passion to start something and there is a significant potential pay-off down the road you are doing your family a dis-service by not pursuing an opportunity to make your lives better.
Nothing worth doing is easy.
My girlfriend simply HATES computers and this makes it hard for her to understand what I am doing, why I am doing it and what it could mean later on. To her, it's not work, since it's currently not bringing any money.
Luckily she does let me spend some time on my startup, even though I could be spending it her. Going to take advantage of it while I can.
My wife's paying the bills right now while iJigg is giving me 12 hours of work and big headaches :D
I'd not say you shouldn't try something being married, but for sure you need a good conversation with your wife before you start.
Tell her what are you going to do, the risks and the gifts you'll be able to give to her if you make it thru.
Tell her that you'll give her the first 3 months of incoming, that will help.
btw, my wife's pregnant and our incoming isn't enough anymore what tells me to rush even more on iJigg.
Dreams are priceless, but when married you're not alone anymore, you need to share everything with your wife!
Because of YCombinator's relocation requirement, I can't apply. I completely understand why they have that requirement and what's more - completely agree with it. Unfortunately, relocating is not an option for me as we have a 2 year old. Even though I live in Maine and Cambridge isn't that far away, it just wouldn't work.
My drive to found a startup is very strong - I'm not afraid of failure (god knows I'm good at it!) but I'm struggling with how to do start something up with a wife and a child. The whole micro-ISV, consulting thing is not something I want to do.
I know the conventional wisdom is "don't do it". But that's just not an acceptable answer for me.
Does anyone have any advice for me? I would absolutely appreciate it.
Of course, I'm simply postulating...am neither a decision maker nor an influencer ;-)
There doesn't seem to be any other options. I don't think the consulting option is any better than working full-time for someone else.
Thanks for your reply - I appreciate it.
Heh - I'm taking that advice myself, and I live in Switzerland!
I am fortunate to have a wife who is very supportive and sees the payoff of me staring a new venture. If I win, she wins. Also, I plan to move the wife and kids to Cambridge for the summer. They view it as an "extend vacation". Well, a vacation with no money, but at least it is new scenery (new playgrounds are always exciting for kids!).
I don't think the "don't do it" wisdom is always applicable. It wasn't in my case. As long as you make some time for your family and kids, and as long as they know the situation is pseudo-temporary, it can work.
Besides, being miserable at your current job is probably just as a negative on your wife and kids as a start up. It is hard to come home and be a good husband/father when you are bored/frustrated all day.
Either way, we're going to build our company. It would be nice to get a three month kick start though instead of having to work around my day job.
Building the company around my day job will actually be tougher on the family but we'll still be better off in the long run. A job for someone with a family isn't all it's cracked up to be. It isn't flexible. I have a long commute. I have fixed pay that doesn't really reflect my time and effort. Stability isn't everything and it isn't what makes a person or a family happy.
There are other ways to take risks with a family. There are extended families etc. Taking risk with a family isn't wrong, it's just something you should think through.