On behalf of the people who depend on Carlson's software, let's hope he writes code better than he writes informal essays.

Here's the somewhat clever first graf: (Everything after that is a mish-mash)

"Jesus reflected on his situation and felt irrepressible sadness. His tear-ducts filled to a point where they could hold no longer and had to be released."

versus

"Jesus wept."

I prefer the later.