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It shows that I'm running Windows 8.1 when I'm on 3.11.10-200.fc19.x86_64

That sounds a lot like the 64-bit version of Windows 3.11 For Workgroups :)

(Yes, I know, it's the Linux kernel, just fun that it matches the number of that OS)

I believe it is Fedora.

But that's a strange way of saying Linux lol