How I Learned to Work a Room | Hacker News Reader

How I Learned to Work a Room

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How to get out of a one-on-one conversation:

OPTION 1

You: "So who are you hoping to meet tonight?"

Them: "I'm hoping to meet with someone that does $x."

You: "Oh I just met Bob, who's into $x. He's over there, do you want to meet him?"

Them: "Sure!"

You go and introduce them, then after a minute excuse yourself. They'll hardly notice.

OPTION 2

You: "So who are you hoping to meet tonight?"

Them: "I'm hoping to meet with someone that does $x."

You: "Great! I'm looking to meet someone that does $y. Have you met anyone here that's into that?"

Them: "Oh yeah, Steve over there works in $y!"

You: "Oh interesting. Would you introduce us?"

They go introduce you to Steve and will likely (hopefully) excuse themselves shortly thereafter.

OPTION 3

And finally, if neither of you can make an introduction (eg, if you both just arrived):

You: "So who are you hoping to meet tonight?"

Them: "I'm hoping to meet with someone that does $x."

You: "Great! I'm looking to meet someone that does $y. Have you met anyone here that's into that?"

Them: "Not yet, I just got here."

You: "Me too. Let's go meet some people together. That looks like a good group over there." (Point to group of 3+ people)

Them: "Sure!"

You walk up to the group together and make introductions. The group will naturally split up within a few minutes and you'll be left speaking with new people.

These options are better than my usual, "Well, it was very nice talking to you," said firmly and with a smile.

Even that is better than keeping a dead-end conversation going.

Oh definitely yes. Being in a conversation where one of the parties doesn't know how to keep the topic aloft is excruciating.

If you want to see masters of keeping up a conversation, watch some comedy improv. Their entire task is to take a topic which they don't know about (usually specified by an audience member) and convert it into a conversation that must be kept up by each person. Once you see enough of these improvs you will notice that each comedian is able to inject something interesting into each sentence that keeps the conversation going, but not too much (or too little) that it causes the topic to die on the vine.

Genius, thanks for sharing

I especially love the "recruit a second person to help break into a big circle". It's hard/awkward to break into a big circle solo.

Uhm, in 99% of the parties I go to the usual answer to "So who are you hoping to meet tonight?" would be 1. "my friends" or 2. "someone to sleep with". Not sure what kind of parties you go to where that is a normal thing to ask...

This submission is about networking and networking events, not random parties. In all such events that I've been to, these questions would have absolutely been appropriate to ask.

There was a time when talking to others in a crowded room filled me with fear to the extend that words flowed out of my mouth in ways that does not make any sense even to myself. I spoke gibberish and if you had the misfortune of talking to me, you would probably find an excuse to get away. I hated the idea of going to social events. At every event, I felt that I was the stupidest person in the room and that nobody would want to talk to me. Meeting people seemed like a waste of time.

One day, something snapped. I figured that instead of wasting time at social events, I might as well learn something. I reflected on my social experiences and realized that because of my inherent fear of being looked down upon, I had the habit of pretending to understand things that in reality I had no clue. So I made it a point to speak a little as possible and instead focus on listening and always ask questions if I did not understand something.

I always made it a point to be asking questions and most importantly, never pretending to understand something I don't. Conversations usually flows like this: What do you do? What exactly does that mean? Big data? How big? How is big data different from normal data? ...

Gradually, I started to understand what people are actually saying. I started to feel the wide spectrum of work that people do. I started to internalize differing opinions within similar industries and then voicing these opinions to others in similar fields. I started to take sides and participate in debates. Conversations became more intelligent and social events transformed into a heaven for intellectual stimulation.

Like reading Hacker News in the middle of the night, socializing can become addicting. There is so much knowledge out there and every time I go out I learn something new. If there was one lesson I learned throughout my transformation, it would be to focus on listening and understanding others.

I have this fear either. I'll try your tips.

This is a fantastic way to approach it, especially if:

- You are naturally curious

- The person you are meeting has a passion

Ask them a basic question about what they're passionate about, and just hold on for the ride. You'll learn a lot, and they'll love talking to you if you're an active listener.

It seems you discovered for yourself what every book on communication emphasizes -- ask questions! People would rather talk about themselves than listen to you talking about yourself, so if you just get them talking and then listen to what they have to say (you barely have to even speak most of the time!) not only will you learn quite a bit, the other person will usually come away feeling like it was a very good conversation, that you were a very good conversationalist, and will appreciate the connection with you.

Now that you said I'm connecting the dots with Dale Carnegie's book. I've read it, but I'm still not confident enough to start doing. This two-people tip is very more approachable, in my vision, because will limit the awkward silence when you don't get along with one person.

I agree, just want to change to "ask open questions" with emphasis on "open".

>ask questions!

it would be nice. Unfortunately asking questions i feel like i'm interrogating or intruding onto somebody's else private property.

It is actually not only asking questions. It is about asking open questions, i.e. questions that cannot be answered by yes, no, but require the person to tell a story. At the beginning it it is even more frightening, but once you force yourself to do this as an exercise it might change your life.

I usually try to be the one asking questions. People tend to feel a better connection and more engaged when you encourage them to talk.

Sometimes, when the other person is asking the questions, I walk away from a conversation and feel disappointed I didn't get to learn more about them. If you're answering questions you often don't realize it until the conversation is over.

Your approach is very similar to Dale Carnegie's advice in "How To Win Friends and Influence People".[1]

By showing interest in what other people are doing instead of only telling them about yourself or espousing your opinions they are more likely to want to be around you.

1: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influenc...

pg has said that he considers How to Win Friends and Influence People to be the most inspiring book on leadership[0]. I think it's especially helpful for hackers, because it basically lays out instructions for how to meet (and then exceed) people's social expectations. A lot of non-hackers seem to have learned those skills in middle school, while many of us were busy learning other skills. Learning to "play along" and meet expectations is enormously valuable, in business and in life.

I had a bit of an aversion to the premise of the book at first, because it seemed manipulative to me somehow ("winning" and "influencing" people, ie. thinking of them as systems and trying to "hack" them) but I eventually came to see how narcissistic that was--I am not superhuman and cannot exert mind control, so any social "hacking" is really just using the system the way it is designed to be used. At the end of the day, most of Carnegie's advice boils down to being a nice person and putting yourself in other people's shoes often, but with examples of how that sort of behavior can be beneficial to you.

0. https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=6636086

>how narcissistic that was--I am not superhuman and cannot exert mind control, so any social "hacking" is really just using the system the way it is designed to be used.

Spot on. Reminds me of the the quote by Cisco founder Sandy Lerner: "The first rule of any game is to know you're in one."

"The first rule of any game is to know you're in one." So true.

I would add that the second rule to any game is to know the game is broader than what it seems. Poker is really not just about cards. Startups aren't about building a product. Passing an exam isn't about knowing the answers. Thinking about the broader game opens so much more opportunity than being stuck in what people believe is the game's limit.

It's a great book, a classic, and it's interesting to know how highly pg respects it.

When I look at leaders, the thing that I see more and more is the ability to not stress out about situations. Coming up with solutions is less important; putting everything in perspective is the key. Much of this comes down to empathy and being a nice person, as you describe.

Meh. Sorry you ever felt awkward at parties?

Mild introvert here. I've had better luck focusing on 'singletons,' and catalyzing the formation of new conversation groups, instead of trying to work into an existing duo's conversation.

A few years ago I stood alone at a big "networking breakfast." I barely knew anyone.

It popped into my head: Pretend you're the host -- make 'your' guests feel welcome.

Looking around, I spotted another singleton. Smiling, I stuck out my hand, introduced myself, and started doing the ask-questions routine (being careful to make it a conversation and not an interrogation).

A few minutes later, I saw another singleton coming near. I invited him into the conversation and introduced him to the first guy. Both of them seemed glad to have other people to talk to (and when I ran into them at later meetings, they each remembered me). Eventually I disengaged and moved on.

I was amazed at how comfortable that felt, seeking to serve others' needs instead of my own insecurities. I've been using that basic approach ever since. It works every time. My young-adult kids report success with the approach as well.

Nice, I like that one. I've been in that situation before, standing on my own and seeing others standing on their own too. But I never thought of just going up and being the person to introduce them to others.

I'll have to try that out.

Be the change you wish to see in the world... Or something.

I'd also add that body language of a pair talking will tell you if you are welcome to stick around and converse. If they separate slightly to accommodate your presence and address you by looking at you when they are talking, you are good to go. If they stay facing each other and do quick glances at you, they are probably having a more intimate discussion which may be hard if you are standing there listening. Body language is the key - pay attention to it.

Also pay attention to shoulders. Do they slightly turn towards you? Somewhat open to meeting you. Do they turn towards you completely? Probably sick of talking to each other. Even the slightest turn away? Try another set, or be prepared to work for their attention.

The body communicates so much. Once you are aware of these cues, you can read people like crazy.

I always wonder just how well body language really correlates with intention, in general. For example, whenever I'm standing in a pair or group, and somebody walks over, I always consciously reorient myself to help include the new person. But I never seem to notice other people doing the same. I think I use my body language quite consciously, but I usually get the impression that it is mostly unconscious for others. Yet, I can't really know this for sure.

100 times yes. This book is amazing for this[1]. You can skim it online[2], but I highly suggest getting a real copy. There are so many things to pay attention to, but one of the greatest realizations for me was that your body language can and does affect other people's, even if they are not aware of it.

[1] http://www.amazon.com/The-Definitive-Book-Body-Language/dp/0...

[2] http://www.slideshare.net/anhnguyet_hro/the-definitive-booko...

I tend to introversion, and networking in a room filled with people wears me out faster than just about anything else.

So, given that my social energy is limited, here's what I do:

* Have a concrete goal for each event, things like: small talk with 5 random people, elevator pitch to Jane, get contact details to follow up with Jim and Mo, etc.

* Step out of unproductive/negative chats asap - "excuse me, I need to make a call/ check email / catch Bob before he leaves"

* For longer events, take regular smoke breaks (even though I don't smoke)

* Leave (politely) as soon as goals are achieved or as soon as I'm worn out

Your point of exiting negative chats is a very good one. The instinct (for me, anyway) is to double down and try to fight it out, which is a waste of time for everyone involved.

A fairly big revelation for me was not to act so interested when I first enter a conversation. Two things happen when I appear interested before a word has been spoken. I look awkward, and if the conversation doesn't actually interest me I've just insulted everyone. They are insulted in the form of I apparently really wanted to talk to them and then didn't like them. Thus actual awkwardness occurs while I try and look interested in them.

It's better to enter a conversation with a degree of hesitation and then walk away if nothing pans out. It may not feel like it but they appreciate that. It can also form a bond if I like them as they might feel as though they won me over.

I second that, it is one thing to actively look to enter a conversation but one must be prepared to politely move one. Time is valuable and knowing when/how to exit is an important part of any effective strategy.

Possibly the most important part.

Working the smoking area is much easier than working the room. Best conversations of my life have been standing on a curb with another smoker. I quit about a year ago, but still use the ecig.

Not sure this would be as effective if I stood around puffing on a pencil. I don't know, I've never smoked except once when I was 11.

There are nicotine free e-cigs that basically emit flavored water vapor. Never tried one, but they do exist.

As an ex smoker I fully agree. I miss the fun l had during the smoke breaks with other people. After I quit smoking however unfortunately l quit as well the habit to make these fun and efficient breaks.

This is a good technique. I also find entering the situation with a set of personal challenges/goals helps diffuse the situation. By reframing the situation from "holy crap I can't do this" to "ok, I've found out what two people do for a living, one to go" lets you de-emphasize the aspects that make you nervous and end up having more natural conversations.

Blatant plug: we are building a site that helps people get better at situations like this and other challenging social situations. http://metamorf.us

The language here of "working on a room" is a little bit unnerving, but he's right. If you want to meet new people and have interesting conversations, I've had similar experiences like this which I've enjoyed.

Furthermore, interrupting a conversation at an event like the one he describes with the question, "so what are we talking about?" after you've gotten their attention is a good way to find something to talk about, too, which isn't just the standard, "so what do you do?"

Should be "she's right" (Kimberly)

Thank you ;-)

My bad! I guess I missed the sign-off bit at the very end.

To me it's too close to reality, working a room to me can only refer to my observation that it's about trying to work each person over in most situations, which I'm sure has more direct negative connotations. Then the icing on the cake, "you can too!"...

I would be more interested in a conversation about the unintended impacts of becoming better at self promotion.

Everyone sucks at networking the first few times, and public speaking the first few times, and presentations the first few times. The exact technique you use to get over that initial bump is probably not as important as just trying it a few times..

I got over my introversion in college (I was a "nontrad", i.e. a student over 24 years old per the state school definition, at least) - I just decided there's no way that anyone was paying attention to me anyways. So I might as well just say what I want, since it was almost the same as talking to myself. It worked really well in school. Once I got out and rejoined the working world, I had some fear regress because I realized I was around people that were listening again. But I had enough confidence from practicing at college that I could hurdle the second hump in basically the same manner.

It's like racing through the heliopause of the sun. You're Voyager 2, riding the solar waves. You know you're about to do your first presentation. It's going to be rough. And it is. But then you're through it, and you're in interstellar space from now on, there's no pressure.

As an introvert, this is wrong. Example: everyone sucks at rocket science the first few times. But maybe if I try one more time...

It actually really helps to get pointers like these. Something like "focus your efforts on groups of two" can give you a) a lifeline and b) something to look forward to rather than dreading the occasion...and having that "this may be fun" mindset can take you that much further.

I know a few introverts who just "got over it" but there are many more who can barely keep their heads above water in social situations. I've gotten a lot better over the years thanks to practice, but tips like these are gold to me.

Fair enough, I mean with regards to social situations, one is generally a worse performer when nervous. Fight or flight kicks in, and you start stuttering your words, stumbling and generally being a bit of an arse because your body is getting ready to leg it down the road.

Once you've done it a few times (as long as you weren't savaged by wolves) you tend to get over that initial nervousness, and everything comes more easily when you get a bit less nervous. As far as I know, being nervous while doing rocket science doesn't kill your level of success - instead, this is more likely to be based on things like the amount you've studied rocket science.

I agree that this technique could be instrumental to getting people into these situations. I'm just pointing out that anything that gets people into these situations will help.

Oh please nobody said hit your head against a wall repeatedly. Deliberative practice.

Fuh fuh fuh

I am so glad you found this story helpful. This advice made a world of difference to me, and frankly I'm still surprised it worked so well. I hope it helps others too!

The advice about singling out pairs of people is really interesting. How does one go about approaching them if they are in mid conversation?

Do you just lurk, wait for a brief pause, then swoop in? This seems creepy.

Do you just barge in mid-sentence? This seems rude.

Do you chime in if they something that catches your interest? This seems nosy.

When I got close to a pair of people, about 70% of the time one of them would make eye contact with me, so I'd introduce myself. The other 30% of the time they stayed intensely focused on their conversation, so I'd move on.

Just remember that everyone else at these events is there to meet other people too. They WANT to mingle, and by introducing yourself, you're helping them do so.

Good luck!

When I encounter myself in these sort of situations I feel uncomfortable so I kind of empathize with the author. And it's funny because I'm working on an iPhone app which is aimed at solving these kind of situations where you want to start new conversations with strangers. It's called Joiner ( http://www.joinerapp.com ) if you want to check it out (shameless plug).

However, I think I'm not only worried by how to approach people more easily, but also to find good conversations. If it's already very hard to start a conversation with a stranger, imagine finding a good topic of conversation. In my case, on most occasions I always talk about the same thing, like what I do, where I am from and what I have studied. Because I don't know what I have in common with the other person I don't risk pushing other topics into the conversation, which would be great if, for instance, I entered a room and could instantly detect people with similar interests in technology, music or whatever.

That's why we have created Joiner, to help removing the pain of meeting new people and by making it more engaging.

Why does someone have to have the same interests in you? Ask them questions and find out why their interests are different. You can often learn more from a person with a different perspective. Escaping the echo chamber is hard but very rewarding.

90% of the time I get out of this echo chamber I find myself trapped in discussing the last episode of X TV series or Y sports match. I'm fine with that, but sometimes I'd prefer to talk about other stuff and finding the right people blindly can be hard.

The site is having some troubles. Here is a cached version: http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:hlQH57j...

Thanks, I'll try that top next time. I too am not one that is good at conversing with strangers. I'm the guy that just stands there and tries to look busy. On the other hand my CEO will have talked to everyone in the room by the time the event is over, and he remembers their names and what they do. I'm always amazed.

Quoth the server: Infinite loop detected in JError

Open a website, a giant banner is shoved in my face that forces me to click a teensy, tiny close button to be able to view the website.

Sorry, not gonna read it.

My favorite technique for working the room: "So, what do you do ... for fun."

I find that talking about what people do for fun is much more interesting than what they do for work. And if the person is interesting, it might come back around to work anyway.

My favorite technique for exiting a conversation is the old chestnut of "I need to refill my drink." Easy peasy.

I find it useful to approach a group of people talking and just start actively listening to whoever is speaking.

People often look for support from the group they are talking to. Nod in agreement when they do. Ask an insightful question. Make it easier for them to be the center of attention.

Soon you'll be in a conversation without having to introduce yourself first. As soon as you are in a 1 on 1 conversation, be sure that you do introduce yourself. It should be a lot easier by then.

Funny. It is actually the comments that made me finally read the article. Nice technique. But immediately I felt sorry for all the people that come in the room alone and do not have the courage to mingle. This technique will make them feel even more bad.

Why would it make them feel worse? Wouldn't this give individuals a new technique for entering conversations?

I understand the article, that the technique consists in starting conversation with a two people that speak already - so the ones that do not have a conversation partner yet will stay alone. Or did I miss something?

I think both of you slightly misunderstood each other. You meant the people already in the room, he thought you said new people who entered.

I avoided clicking this link at first as I was expecting to groan at the shmoozy BS inside. I was pleasantly surprised to find a concrete technique that I can easily remember and apply. Thanks.

So glad I escaped writing clickbait! And I hope it helps you.

Life isn't a computer program, lighten up jesus this thread makes me cringe...

I cannot believe this article managed to get to the front page on HN.

People here must be desperate to make connections ;-)

The author/reporter tried this approach once and its a really small set of experiments for such a bold claim.

Flagging this...

There is a point in the life of many introverts where they look at all the fun the extroverts seem to be having and wonder if they might have some of that kind of fun too.

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