Building Successful Long Term Relationships | Hacker News Reader

Building Successful Long Term Relationships

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35 pointspeter1237 comments

It sounded pretty stupid at first glance, but the more I read, the more it made sense. These guys are natural bloggers -- of COURSE they need to tolerate each others' schtick. It's like being with a rock star and tolerating the ego, or being with a programmer and tolerating the tendency to be focused and inaccessible, or being with a salesman and tolerating the ADD, or even being with a child psychologist and dealing with their constant goddamn empathy and understanding that just won't shut off. Whatever makes your partner successful and interesting probably has an obnoxious downside that you will have to accept.

Tolerance and shared vision/values are definitely important. But that only comes after there is an equal desire to be in a long term relationship. For some people that desire wanes (for whatever reasons), and that's why these lasting connections (professionally and privately) are rare.

You nailed it. It's that unconditional mutual desire to maintain a relationship that is important. If you have it, almost nothing can break your relationship, and if you don't then almost anything can.

It's not terribly difficult to imagine how strong the bond between you and someone else is. Each relationship has a different strength to it, and they sometimes grow and weaken. Some can take a lot of strain and others can't take any.

Tolerance? That's what makes a "successful" long-term relationship? That's the best we can do in this lifetime, finding someone we can tolerate?! That's not living a full life!

Here's a hint: how often do you look deeply into your partner's eyes? Yes, the way you did when you were dating. In most long-term relationships, it normally stops happening. It's one of the defining characteristics of a relationship that has a lack of commitment to growing in intimacy. Figure out how to grow in intimacy and you don't have to worry about simply tolerating another human.

I follow a more esoteric spiritual path, but there is a mainstream book that is well-regarded, "Passionate Marriage", that touches on some of the techniques folks have used to build successful enduring relationships.

When he says "tolerance", maybe he means what most people mean when they say "compromise". Any two people are bound to annoy each other in ways that can't be completely eliminated, so they need to work out what to change, and what to tolerate -- i.e., they need to compromise.

If your opening paragraph hadn't been misperceived as the rantings of a sociopath, people who read your second paragraph ("love the one you're with") would have been pleasantly surprised by your insight.

Makes sense... lots of people use humor as a way to cope with things Someone's stupid little jokes and annoying personal habits are something they cannot easily change since it's so fundamental to how they live their lives. It's better not to dwell on it. It's also worth examining yourself and realizing you're probably not nearly as funny and likable as you think you are. It's easier to give people some slack when you realize YOU ARE ANNOYING sometimes too.

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