Being Crazy Is Noisy
moreintelligentlife.com
moreintelligentlife.com
I often wonder how relevant someone's upbringing is in stories like this. I've been depressed and "heard" suicidal and self-hateful thoughts pretty much every day since I was 9 or 10. But I was raised in a small town in the Midwest by parents who would tell me (with the best of intentions) to "suck it up" and "get over it" when I was in a particularly deep or prolonged funk. I pretty much cried every day in 4th grade anytime I was alone due to being overwhelmed by how much I hated myself. Anytime something would happen, I'd think "you should kill yourself."
It never occurred to me that I might have a condition or that I was hearing voices. And perhaps I'm not, in the same way that this person is. I have no idea. All I knew was that I felt sad all the time, and others didn't seem to feel the same way. My only conclusion was that I had some weakness or flaw that other kids didn't have.
I subconsciously found coping mechanisms. First it was superhero comics and video games. Playing sports seemed to help a good bit, too, though I despised the monotony of it. Eventually, I found online porn, and that became my treatment of choice anytime I felt a funk coming on. This caused a good bit of guilt, though and has made dating difficult.
I went out east for college and was suddenly in a community where people like me were "diagnosed" and put on medication. I was surrounded by east-coasters on meds. There was a clinical solution for "being bummed out all the time." I'd never considered that I might have a mental illness that could be treated pharmacologically.
I thought about seeing a professional about my situation, but the downsides seemed and still seem pretty immense. Once you're officially diagnosed, your life changes forever. If I was diagnosed as clinically depressed or something more serious like the conditions the original author claims to have, wouldn't I be labeled a crazy person for life? And what if they recommended extensive, unpleasant treatments that would interrupt or seriously hamper my career or personal life? If I test positive for some serious mental illness, would the doctor be obligated to inform the state? My employer? My family?
And once you test positive, doesn't that become your identity? You are a crazy person, and your life revolves around that.
So when I read stories like this, my heart goes out to the person, but I also wonder how much of their situation was caused by environmental factors, specifically coming from a culture of clinical diagnosis and pharmacology. Had I been raised by different people in a different environment, I'd be taking lots of drugs and probably would have a few hospital stays under my belt. I would probably see myself as a crazy person and have a hard time getting work and supporting myself.
Instead, I'm an extremely high-functioning porn and work addict who suspects he has serious mental infirmities. I could deal with them, but it would require the full focus of my time and energies for years to do, and who knows how it'd turn out?
Not sure that's better.
I'm not sure if I got a point to this comment, but I do feel quite 'small' in the "big whole" sometimes. And feel it's sad we all run our individual race from start to finish (more or less).
Yet, many people who have real problems can be helped. So, removing the stigma is a good thing when it helps people with real problems seek help.
A recent medical problem however pushed me over the edge. I want crazy for a few weeks.
It was a terrifying experience. While I never heard other voices, I did hear a constant chorus of ideas very clear and very specific and boy did they ever make my usual dark view of life look positively joyous.
Added to that was a constant feeling of crippling fear, basically a continuous panic attack and insomnia.
That constant chorus of dark ideas was about every negative thing you can think of. It was in a way awe inspiring to see the sheer power of intellect, recollection and imagination my brain had to stitch together these incredibly creative and specific and deeply disturbing thoughts, at the rate of ~ 100 per second.
Functioning became almost impossible, and had it gone on for much longer I truly would have lost it. I was afraid to cross the street and come right back, that was a cripplingly terrifying task.
I was somehow able to keep showing up at work and could for very brief periods of time almost, just almost drown out the chorus by concentrating on programming.
Well I recovered from the medical problems and the craziness passed and I could sleep again and boy was I relieved, but happiness is still not something for me.
Except that now I make a conscious effort to be a more positive person.
It's not like a hippie sunshine and rainbows thing, I know there is a very powerful and very stubborn and very dark part of my subconscious. But I am not going to let that part of me run things. I make real everyday efforts to be less dark and cynical. And I expect to keep up that fight for as long as I live.
There was an article here about how positive affirmations can actually have negative effects for people with low self esteem. That rings very true for me. But I will not be dissuaded from trying to change. My superego is just as stubborn as my id, damn it.
The human brain is very flexible and how you view yourself and what you do can and will strongly influence who you are.
Just like long hours of sitting will mess up your lower back, if you just let your negative tendencies flow unchecked in the long term that will fuck up your personality.
Don't do that, make a conscious effort to better yourself. Even if you're a darkly cynical bastard like and me.
Your point about trying to be positive strikes a chord also. Folks who know me just a bit or only professionally consider me a relentlessly cheerful, encouraging person. I've always got something great and positive to say about a situation, no matter how bleak it is. In part, this is because just about anything is better than what I feel inside, so I'm able to spot the positive pretty easily. Also, it's partly an effort to will a certain view of reality into being. Nothing's great until someone labels it such.
The folks who really, really get to know me tend to get worn out once I let down the shell and let them see a bit of what's going on inside. In dating relationships I try to ease the other person into understanding how I get by, but even so, there comes a point where they "get it" and you see how disappointed they are. I've found the best approach is to just tell her that I have dark periods when nothing I say will be useful or productive, so I'm not going to say much.
It is an amazing story. The more I think about it, the more I am amazed at the variety and magnitude of problems people face in their lives. I don't want to sound sympathetic. I don't know what to write. I should not have started writing this.
"Not only I found the article very interesting, but the thing that struck me the most was its utter lucidity. How can one be in so much turmoil and yet be able to write such beautiful as well as clear, concise, and penetrating prose? The answer is, one can, and maybe the moral of the article is that one should not ask this question in the first place. Better still, perhaps the 'crazier' we are, the more lucid we are and that in itself can be the bane of our noisy lives."
The rhythm, the constant beat, of his negative voices seem to have rendered him unable to think rationally, to ask for proof of his assumed--all encompassing--failure, or to ever act in a positive way, and then to one day disprove his assumed--all encompassing--failure.
And the latter causes a self-fulfilling prophesy, which builds up more proof of his failure, and thus gets stronger and stronger.
HN related, the brain is a very complex "computer" with its own bugs.
Ever see a disturbing image or hear a highly inappropriate joke or comment and then try to put it out of your mind, only to find that the harder you try to ignore it, the harder it becomes to ignore? The experience is similar.
But if you haven't already got a career when you become ill, it's virtually impossible to get a paying job - especially in computing. And that's something I'm trying to publicise and prevent.
my husband shows that it is possible to have a seemingly devastating diagnosis like schizoaffective disorder or schizophrenia, but to lead a productive, and perhaps even happy life.