I'm not sure I agree, in the case of the latter story, that the other company was unethical. You contacted them, correct? In order to place them under an obligation of confidentiality, you needed to offer them some consideration in exchange for that obligation. It's not clear from what you relate here that you did that. I think you just flat screwed up, and your engineers' anger would have been more appropriately directed at you than at the other company.

Perhaps a fuller account would change the picture, but that's how it looks to me from what you've said here.