I agree. However I think there is another cause that breaks many relationships: the illusion that happiness in found in the perfection of everything: a perfect sex life, a partner with a perfect body, the stellar job, a sports car, etc. The grass is always greener on the other side.
Very often, happiness can be found in the here and now. Learn to enjoy the small things.
The problem is that not everyone can really have that, or optimize for those sorts of feelings in their relationship with their partners.
It's like watching Mad Men and thinking you could live like that.
You have a brain and that brain has been conditioned over the years. What brings you happiness, what brings you joy, is not really up to you. The ability you have to give someone else the experience they need to feel happiness and joy, is not up to you.
So you can't really choose what sort of relationship you want to have. You can't have a Jim and Pam relationship because you're not Jim and very few women are Pam.
Instead you can have a relationship that suits your needs. If you do manage to find one, treasure it because it's absolutely special. Don't think it has to look like anything, because it doesn't. It doesn't have to be mundane service. That was something the author and his SO needed.
Very true.
> What brings you happiness, what brings you joy, is not really up to you.
Not quite so true, because of this:
> Don't think it has to look like anything, because it doesn't.
In general, people who are "sold" aren't going to be as happy as people who are capable of identifying their needs for themselves. In the case where a person is used to being sold, it's probably true that they're not as capable of taking this kind of responsibility for themselves.
However this is a skill that can be learned. It's the reason why I'm far happier now as a married man living a very simple life than I was when I was making gobs of money, renting an expensive beach house with a massive pool, and getting drunk all the time while chasing women.
I was sold on an ideal, and it was god awful depressing. As soon as I learned to let that go, things got much, much better.
> I mean, how you can feel that burning love when you’re sitting at the table discussing how to use the last twenty dollars in your bank account?
These are types of issues that, IMO, people need to figure our while they are dating, and not just jump into marriage with someone before knowing how they handle tough, down-on-your-luck, situations. How you handle finances, how you divide chores, the dynamic of a family you want... all these things should be figured out before you pop the question, to make sure you're on the same page with someone before you make to commitment to be with them forever.
It's great this guy found happiness with his wife, but that's quite the gamble he took, not knowing those things before getting married.
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The first 6-12 month's of a good relationship are fantastic. Its exciting, full of lust and you get that lovey feeling with little effort.
However, as you get to know each other more and more the fire starts to go out. The relationship transforms into a deeper companionship. Where originally being yourself was enough you now need to make a small effort to show you care. Do something to make the other's life easier, or give them a small surprise etc. Instead of 'the fire' always being there you need to generate it.
People who don't make the effort get the feeling they aren't loved or start arguing or wake up one day and find out they are sleeping next to a friend.
I have been in a relationship for 9 years and am happy. There have been bad patches but it just takes a bit of perseverance to work through them.
I get the impression a lot of people expect a relationship stays in the honeymoon period or give up to easily when they hit a bad patch. I think it's a bit sad.
"The grass is greener on the other side." Some day's it is... but I have found if you go to that other side and give it a little while often what you originally had was better all along.
WTF ?
I see this pattern again and again. We can also often add children to the whole picture. It's like a big red warning : immature people and ego to action.
FYIW my wife and I got engaged after 2.5 months, married after 4.5 total. We definitely had the lovey dovey feelings but knew going into this that the important thing over the long term was to love each other with our actions. We have a wonderful marriage now that is so much richer and our connection so much more tangible than when we were dating. It blows away any prior relationship I had, including many year dating relationships.
(Edit: "read see")
Funny thing: I read it, then went to the comments and your statement never crossed my mind until I read it. Once I read "why is this on HN" I immediately agreed with you. I can't imagine why this is here. Its not close in any way to topics normally discussed here.
*I did see an interesting comment on brain chemicals changing in a relationship overtime, but they didn't explain much.
i'll count myself lucky i guess.
I am not sure educating people about this would lower divorce rate, being told it and living it are two different things.
Except that that is not always true... Only if you let it.
I'm glad this guy figured it out and hope he can fix things for himself.
In a "Disney" scenario, there's (almost) always someone creating the illusion of love and another waiting for it.
This is akin to the "fake it till you make it" philosophy.
It's "verliebt" and "liebe/lieben". The first is in the beginning, the second after some time (although people will tell you they love you "liebe dich" from the beginning, while in reality they are "only" "verliebt"). When dating you are usually "verliebt" I think. Some fall on love with being "verliebt" and then split up again and again.
Warning: The book is written from a Christian perspective.
Yeah thats not going to get you very far.
I find this article portrays a more traditional style of marriage and love where love is more metaphysical than feeling and how the devotion to the marriage and not the romance made it work.