The Structure of a Real Apology | Hacker News Reader

The Structure of a Real Apology

spin.atomicobject.com

54 pointsprajjwal15 comments

This is absolutely awful, or doesn't apply. Especially in the context of communicating with a cynical userbase, but in many other contexts as well.

It does not mention the ONE thing that makes an apology worth anything.

The ONE thing you have to include is evidence of a positive action you have taken that will actually prevent this from happening again. Not some kind of 'promise.'

For example, here is an Obama non-apology for the NSA spying on Americans (illustrative example, not a quote): "I am dismayed, as all of you are, at what I've recently learned of data collection of innocent Americans by a government agency. It was done under my watch, and I take responsibility. I promise you, the people who overstepped their boundaries will be removed from their positions and punished. Anyone who's suffered personally as a result of these violations will have freedom of information act possibilities to learn how their information was misused. They can petition the courts for redress, in line with our Constitution. Finally, I want you to know that I have let you all down. I can only ask for your forgiveness."

That pretty much follows steps 1-5. It's also absolutely useless.

here is a good apology: it can repeat any of the language above, for fluff. The main point is this "this morning I signed an executive order ordering the sealing, for 150 years, of all innocent American's personal information that has been collected. The sealing is to be done by means of military-grade encryption. The keys will be held in the supreme court of the United States, by its chief justice John G. Roberts, Jr. Every morning between he will come in half an hour early and sign off on warrants requesting any decryption, only upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the records to be decrypted, and the persons or things to be seized."

That's "funny", but it's 10000000x better than the apology above. The only way to apologize is to list a step you've actually taken to actually prevent it happening again.

Fuck promises.

I think this is talking about what actually works on most people, not how to make your apology truly sincere. The sort of apology you listed is the sort of thing people eat up by and large, even if it is ineffective on some.

So, it depends. When you have a credibility issue the former doesn't mean much. People are more and more cynical and feel (rightfully) that apologies are just PR text, and feel (rightfully) that the person making it basically sent a PR agent a query "hey I'm getting some flak for ___ - could you draft an apology for me", and htat's it.

On the other hand, when someone you have a real relationship with is sorry for something, sometimes just the guilt in their eyes and the fact that you can see they know they fucked up is enough - no words necessary.

Between the two extremes, sure, you might have enough credibility for fluff and vague promises to be acceptable. But that stuff really is useless.

"The only way to apologize is to list a step you've actually taken to actually prevent it happening again."

Sometimes you need to issue an apology before you have time to take any concrete action. In fact, in crisis management, time till expected response is often more critical than noodling on precisely what must be done. You're in a triage situation, and the first thing you need to do is stop the bleeding.

This is why "promises" get made, because they're the first step in figuring out a genuine series of restitutive actions. Often the first thing people want to hear -- and need to hear -- is a simple acceptance of responsibility. The acceptance should be followed by a legitimate demonstration of understanding: of the damages caused, of the seriousness of the issue, etc. This is followed by a pledge to investigate, or to take serious actions.

Now here's the important part (to your point): 9 out of 10 apologies just leave it at that. There's no follow-through or followup. This is why people have been desensitized to the standard-issue apology as detailed in this article. They're used to seeing boilerplate and empty promises, but the devil is in the details. Listing a concrete action taken is a great way to go, but sometimes you don't have time to take such action (or fully consider the ramifications) before the apology needs to be issued.

In summary: 1) take serious stock of the issue ASAP, 2) state sincere apology demonstrating accountability for the fuckup and responsibility for the fix, 3) maintain communication as fixes are implemented, and detail them.

Excellent points - something every tech startup founder should keep in mind.

Teh Portly Dyke's "How to Fuck Up" is a good companion piece. http://portlytruestories.blogspot.com/2007/11/how-to-fuck-up...

I'm not sure I understand who this is intended for. (Then again, most apology advice I've read about is like that.) It seems like it's aimed at people who act in bad faith, but then, they're the last people we need to teach how to make a genuine-seeming apology!

Case in point: "Don’t Make the Apology about You ... 'I was trying to…'"

What? I would certainly want to know what led to the wrongdoing so I know whether it's a systematic problem. That doesn't make it "about the apologizer"; it's conveying useful information.

My guess is that the writer has in mind lots of people who are narcissistic and so generalized that lesson to good-faith attempts to help the recipient understand what happened.

The article can be summed up as "throw yourself at the feet of your customer while conveying nothing but easily-faked feelings".

It might be aimed at people who might buy into fake apologies. Generally, the people who take the apology at face value aren't the ones being apologised to, and it can get pretty ugly. Also, it seems like a good way of removing plausible deniability from people who make those kind of apologies.

I don't think you can really -write- an apology. It's the human emotion that's at the heart of a real, genuine apology.

Anyone can say "sorry", when it's in an email, and the author could really be cut-up about it. It's far too easy to pay lip service by using a prepared note following the 5 steps (especially an email apology about having an intrusion in your databases) but it's harder to look people in the eyes and keep up the act.

The most effective apology is often not as complicated as this. The crucial part is asking for forgiveness.

"I apologize for ______. Please forgive me."

I learned this a long time ago from a CareerTrack seminar on communication and it has served me well in getting out of many a bind - allowing me to move forward and past mistakes, some very big. It is especially effective in written communication like emails to collaborators.

Unless from family and friends I have no faith in apologies, no matter how they're worded or sugar-coated. They're materially worthless. An act in line with the intent of an apology carries much more weight with me.

From what I remember about Crucial Conversations, the kind of apology you're suggesting works best in certain circumstances (usually one-time offenses). That type of apology loses meaning, though, when your behavior is the problem rather than a specific action. For example, if you're late to work for the 10th time in a row, apologizing and asking for forgiveness is probably going to be more irritating than helpful. The intention to change is what becomes more important.

Very good point. This is definitely not for repeat offenses.

Without going into details, at a job once, once I was threatened to be put on a PIP [1], I dramatically changed my behavior. At that point, as you mentioned, you are way past apologies and into the realm of 'oh sh_t, I may get fired" and very, very unambiguous communication (from your boss). Only someone is really, really stupid would ask for forgiveness at the point - because the tone is very measured and corporate and grim reaper serious.

[1] http://www.tlnt.com/2012/06/01/weekly-wrap-the-dirty-little-...

> The most effective apology is often not as complicated as this. The crucial part is asking for forgiveness.

I don't think I agree. The words, even when they come from someone you know, are just ultimately words. Those words need to be followed up by actions on the part of the person asking for forgiveness: making restitution, showing how this will never happen again. What I am saying is that 'I am sorry' is just code for hurry the fuck up and get over it. If you want to move ahead of mistakes, the blog's detailed way of looking at it is much better, IMO.

It's possible to emit "Please forgive me" regardless of any intent to make things better or prevent the incident from happening again. I don't understand the focus on the choice of words.

People seem to get away with non-apologies all the time (of the "I'm sorry you're such an oversensitive asshole that you were offended by what I said" variety) , so I'm not sure true contrition is necessary. In fact, it probably makes you look weak in this day and age.

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