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Get machine, wipe HD, reinstall Windows, reinstall drivers.

Windows Update is an unfortunately necessary evil, it becomes more painful the longer it has been since a major Windows release.

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Interestingly, the bricks-and-mortar Microsoft Stores seem to sell laptops with a version of Win 8 that has no crapware/bloatware and is optimized to run well; a lot like doing a fresh install.

Yep, "Microsoft Signature".

Worth noting that you can also get these at bigger chains (e.g. Costco, Best Buy, etc.) - like the other comment under/above me said, they're labeled as "Microsoft Signature" or something along those lines.

Since the last service pack especially.

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