How often do you talk to your close friends? | Hacker News Reader

How often do you talk to your close friends?

21 pointspixelart16 comments

I'm transitioning to adulthood right now, and I've found that one of the hardest parts is that I don't talk to my close friends as often anymore (or I just don't have close friends). In high school and college, I usually talked with close friends a few times a week about various life issues. Now, I talk to them once every couple of months (and we might hang out a few times a year).

Is this normal? My friends and I don't have much in common anymore. While I'm not depressed, I miss having meaningful conversations with people.

How do adults deal with this? Apart from a significant other, do people usually have a few close friends that they can talk to about important things? I'm otherwise in a decent place mentally, but everyday interactions tend to be shallow and it gets lonely. Thanks for any perspective or advice.

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I struggled with this early on. When I was in high school, I went to a college program and realized all my friends sucked, I wanted to have friends who would actually talk about important things not alcohol or parties, so I left them and started looking for better friends.

As I got older, I looked for and found great friends outside of school, friends I made through tech meetups and my job (friends of friends as well). I now have about 10 close friends who I try to talk to at least once a week and schedule some sort of way to get together. I have a few friends with whom I go out to eat with at least once a month and others who I try to go to meet ups/events with.

If you are looking for friends in your area, I would suggest using http://atthepool.com and http://highlig.ht. You can meet some cool people that way.

Once you find a couple awesome friends, schedule dinner or lunch with them on the first/last day of every month, that way you have something to look forward to and you know for sure that you will see your friends at least once a month.

Hope this helps!

Yeah, it's definitely gotten harder to meet people. What has your experience been with friends who have moved for jobs or other reasons?

I'm impressed that you talk to your close friends once a week. Are all these friends in the local area, or do you talk to them online? I think only seeing friends a couple of times a year in real life has led to us not talking much anymore.

My experience with friends who moved away really resulted in us attempting to communicate a lot online. For friends that I had very strong bonds with, we would try to stay in touch any way we could and attempt to visit each other. Friends who were just ok, eventually, we just slowly stopped talking as often. You just have to accept it and move on.

Yes, most of my friends are in my area. I communicate with them online/text and we try to set up things to do (even if it's just grabbing some lunch).

Yeah, I was pretty close friends with the people who moved away, but we've mostly stopped talking.

I think the hard part is that it takes time to develop close friendships, especially with a full time job.

For my group of friends, I was the person who moved away after college. The rest are still together, and some of them are still roommates.

I keep in touch occasionally. A few of my friends I try to call (no one ever seems to call me). Mostly we IM on Steam, or sometimes I hop on Ventrilo. They're usually gaming, and while I've tried to buy the same games so we could kind of hang out, they keep different schedules, and anything with a leveling component they get really far ahead because they play all the time.

When I head back for whatever reason we generally try to meet up, even if it's just grabbing food.

Interesting. Some of my friends play games, but I don't anymore.

That actually seems to be a big disconnect. Among my friends who play games, it seems like all their close friends play games too.

The first paragraph of your post is what I'm going through right now.

There was a point where I was so miserable that I was considering transferring schools because I didn't like any of the people I went to school with. The great teachers and my girlfriend were what helped me stay sane. To be honest, look elsewhere. Find friends who are programmers and into startups, you will find that they are much more interesting and mature.

A very good friend of mine is into glass business, the other has a motorcycle business, one is a housewife, another worked as, well i am not sure what she does since she left the country, but I know she is into climbing and diving. I have other good friends doing something different from me and I have technical friends too. We all don't have much in common but WE ARE VERY GOOD FRIENDS!

Friendship is not based on having something in common or having meaningful conversation. It's much deeper than that. When my friends and I get together, we don't talked about our achievements or failures. We just talked about whatever there is to talked about. Most of it is nothing interesting. We just enjoy the company of each other with a couple of beers and pizza.

As we grow older out commitments change. We get married, start a business and so on. We have responsibilities. We don't get to hang out often but our friendship remains.

Thanks for the reply. How often do you talk to these friends? (whether online or in real life)

I only talk to my close friends once every couple of months now, and that makes the friendships feel much less close. I don't know much about what's happening in their lives anymore (and vice versa).

Some of them once or twice a month. Some if there's an occasion like birthdays or christmas.

This is pretty "normal" I would guess. In my experience and the fact I have moved every three years since birth (gypsy grandmother) I have not had to many long term friendship/bonds. I do have a good friend that I use to build cars with but we went separate ways. He has a kid and is now a cop in a town in NC where I use to live in. People just grow up and find different interest. Everyone experiences life differently. I have been living in SF for 2 years and still have yet to find a close buddy/buddies. I am a little bit of an introvert for I assume moving around so much.

Realistically, I do think that this is pretty normal.

That kind of depresses me though. I guess it seems odd how so many adults don't have close friendships. I'm not sure whether it's just a common part of adulthood, or whether it's because of cultural or other factors in the US.

this is a relevant read - http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/15/fashion/the-challenge-of-m...

it seems that the types of interactions you're referring to require repeated, unplanned interactions, and an environment that encourages people to let their guard down.

Yeah, I remember reading this. From the comments here and the comments on the article, I guess it seems fairly representative of adult life.

i have spent less time talking to my close friends. However, there this one friend who i talk most of the time when I'm at home - my wife ;)

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