I’m taking a break from my wife and kids | Hacker News Reader

I’m taking a break from my wife and kids

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70 pointsdennybritz32 comments

When I saw the title "I’m taking a break from my wife and kids" and actually started reading it, I was expecting a story about enthusiastic entrepreneur willing to sacrifice his family for his startup. On the contrary, it's a reminder what is really important, and that you can't fully understand it unless you have it, and then you lose it. We just take too much for granted.

I have this saying that I've been telling my 19 year old son since he could talk: "Too much of anything, except love, is a bad thing." I now tell that to my daughter who is 11. I don't know it's so much taking things for granted, more than being able to quickly identify which things in life give you the greatest return on joy and focusing on those. Chances are I couldn't handle talking to her all day and all night for a solid week, but I definitely know I start missing the little PITA when she is gone for more than a few days. I miss her because I love her and she brings me joy, but that doesn't mean she doesn't drive me, my wife and my son nuts when we are around her all the time. Ying and yang, baby.

Completely agree. It's hard to explain to some twenty something what having kids really means. Heck, I complain that they wake mu up every day at 6am by just jumping on me in my bed while I sleep, but then again, when they are not there for a few days I miss these annoyances so bad that I can't fall asleep without few beers. But I wasn't able to really realize what they mean to me before I moved to another country for three months.

Anytime I read a comment that uses "lifestyle business" as a demeaning term, I tend to think that whoever said it doesn't have a family, or is sadly missing out on them.

This comment comes from a lack of start-up experience. That being said, I've always been hesitant to work at a start up because of the potential long hours. I'm not afraid of working hard or intimidated...I just want time with my family and friends. I don't like the idea that if I sacrifice everything now, I'll rise up the career ladder and be at a wonderful spot. Well yeah, maybe that's true...but I probably won't be in my 20s, and maybe my 30s anymore, so I wont be able to run (literally) around as easily, or stay up as late having drinks with friends (those friends may then be married and not want to have late nights anymore).

As I mentioned, I have not worked at a start up, I'm relying on what I've heard through friends. Family and friends for me always come first.

> Family and friends for me always come first.

You would be amazed how quickly friends lose their place in your life when you have your own family (significant one), and how they are completely irrelevant when you get kids. You might think now that friendship is forever, but it quickly fades away with every new child.

It's not that friends are not important anymore. They are, the same as before, but that's insignificant compared to the importance of your own children and own family.

This sentence caught me off guard:

> I’ve cried more than a few times since they’ve left, I’m sure I will a few more. The truth is that I don’t cry because I miss them, I cry because I never fully appreciated what they added to my life each day in the first place.

I've been away from my wife and kids for a 3 week stretch and never once did I feel like crying because I missed them. I did miss them, just not to the point of breaking down into tears:)

I'm not sure what that says about me and the poster. Is crying due to being away from your family a common reaction?

I assume its metaphorical

because its impossible for men to cry?

Let's not go down this road.

It ends in tears.

    Are you surprised at my tears, sir?
    Strong men also cry.
    *Strong men also cry*![1]

[1] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZbC6IIk7kQ

I think the important distinction is that he is at home in the regular environment. If you are away from home without the family, everything is different; while at home only the absence is different. This absence feels massive because of the magnitude of habits formed participating in a family unit.

Ahh, that's a very good point.

When I was away from my family, I was in a different environment( new job) so to me everything was new and exciting.

For him, he's still at home nothing's changed, so he has a much clearer frame of reference to remind him of his family.

Also note that he said "The truth is that I don’t cry because I miss them, I cry because I never fully appreciated ....." . He doesn't cry because he misses them. It is true with me as well and probably other folks who are claiming they don't cry. I too don't cry just because I miss them, but there are moments when the mind wanders into deeper thoughts , like what really matters in life, the silly little arguments you may have had with your wife in past, the times you ignored your kids needs (taking them to parks, play with them by putting aside your laptop etc) etc, and realize how silly those mistakes were, and how easily they could have been prevented when you think about the bigger context/meaning for your life is that time you spend happily with family and it is not going to come back. Time lost is lost forever. It is thoughts like these that make me cry, make me modify my future behavior for better.

Btw, I go thru this cycle of "self-realization/self-correction and then when the family returns back from vacation , then slowly getting back to the lazy original attitude of taking some of the things for granted about family and then back to summer and missing the family" :-).

I just hope that each of these cycles keeps making me a little better person than before!

No-one can tell you how you should or shouldn't feel but personally, I can empathise with the author.

I'd really struggle if I was away from my wife and son for three weeks or more. If it helps with context, I'm a big, old fashioned Irish guy who's dealt with a lot of hardship over the years and it takes a lot for me to end up near the point of tears but I could see this particular circumstance bringing me very close.

You seem to be confused: the author states "The truth is that I don’t cry because I miss them [...]" and then you go "[...] never once did I feel like crying because I missed them. I did miss them, just not to the point of breaking down into tears:)"

In any case it is likely the author's relations to his family and your relations to your family are different and as such you feel differently when separated. It is also likely the circumstances are different.

I could not imagine "losing" my kids for weeks at a time.

Bury yourself in work only helps for a while. Fly down more often.

Sao Paolo is quite a ways away from Brooklyn. It's a rather long flight that's very expensive. It may not be feasible, either the time it takes or the money it takes.

Well at least you can get a direct flight. Most American cities to most Brazilian cities will be a 3-leg journey, often through such horrible delay-ridden airports as Chicago O'hare.

The ending to the article is touching. In light of that what I am about to say is going to sound all the more heartless and I expect to get downvoted for it but I think that it has to be said:

If you really want to get things done, consider not having children (yet).

In my experience this applies to both men and women in demanding technical fields. You may argue that having children is worth it in spite of what it may do to your career but that's a different argument.

Good post though there's too much emphasis on the crying (vs. appreciation) IMHO.

I don't know, I think I can relate to the crying. I think I gained a whole metric ton of empathy since having kids and get weepy at the silliest things sometimes where nothing ever phased me before I had kids :)

FYI: the correct spelling is "fazed" (c.f. http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/faze)

I know exactly what you mean. Having kids changes everything.

Dont get me wrong, I can relate to the crying but I feel that this is the physical reaction while the focus shall be more on the emotional side.

If emotions were water and I was a faucet my first child turned me from a well working plumbing fixture into a slowly leaking one with occasional gushes of H20.

She often drives me crazy now that she's older which in turn leads me to spending most nights chiding myself at my lack of appreciation for her in the moment.

This is a weird juxtaposition of ideas. I don't see what taking a break from tech has to do with taking a break from family.

Lots of people have posted about cutting the clutter from their lives, to make life better. They say that cutting clutter makes you appreciate life more.

This guy is saying that his wife and children are away from him, and he really appreciates them now he knows what it's like without them.

TL:DR Absence makes the heart grow fonder

From the title I thought it sounded like a divorce was coming.

It sounds more like his family took a break from him.

Hope this guy doesn't think his wife isn't estatic without him around. She's going wild.

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