Part of my argument is that you will not learn programming via someone else. You pretty much HAVE to teach it to yourself.

If you need someone else to make you learn to program - then you will never learn to program. Conversely, if you really want to learn program, you don't really need anyone else.

I don't think learning to program and funnel optimisation are similar. Funnel optimisation is a highly specialised toolkit to be used in certain very specific, narrow circumstances. You might arguably learn to make use of this skillset in a timespan measured in days. Programming is an extremely broad skill set that changes the way you look at the world and takes a decade to learn to be competent at.