Wow. It just goes to show how immune I've gotten to startup pitch ideas and their templates. The text that I copied and pasted is obviously a joke ("EXCITING NEW LIFE-AFFIRMING IPHONE APP") and yet my brain mentally skipped over it as just being thats-what-all-apps-said and tried to evaluate the technical part of an app.
I'm going to blame it on the all-caps throwing blinders on my brain this morning