The underappreciated power of common courtesy

We should be courteous for one reason only: because it's the right thing to do.

The older I get, the more I realize how unimportant most details are and how critical some of the big issues are. I don't think anyone said it better that Hillel: "That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow. That is the whole Torah; the rest is the explanation; go and learn."

Whenever any of my (mostly male) coursemates talked about visiting the office, they always referred to her as "bitch," "cunt," "hag" etc. I never understood this - she had never been anything but nice and respectful to me. After one interaction I witnessed between the secretary and another student, I finally began to understand. Those other students really saw her as just a "secretary" who had no business running interference between students that were clearly her betters. I on the otherhand never went out of my way to ingratiate myself to her, but I did treat her as a human worthy of the same respect as any other faculty member, and I guess she noticed.

One year, I signed up for more classes than I intended to take with the intention of auditing the classes, deciding what I wanted to take and then dropping the excess classes before the drop date. I decided pretty quickly to drop one of the classes, and therefore didn't attend any of the lectures or do any of the coursework, but I procrastinated in getting the signature of my adviser to drop the class.

Eventually the drop date loomed, and I realized I had only a couple of days to get that signature. I walked into the MechE office, exchanged pleasantries with the secretary and asked to see my adviser. "Oh I'm sorry," she replied "he's out of the country for the next two weeks." She saw from my reaction that something was wrong, and I explained that if I didn't get my adviser's signature on the drop form ASAP, I'd fail the class. She smiled and told me that in situations like that she actually had discretionary power to sign forms on behalf of absent professors. She asked for the form, signed it (in her name) and gave it back to me. I was all set. A year after that, I handed in my thesis and forgot to sign a form. She called me and waited after hours for me to run down to the office to sign the form so I could graduate on time. All because I treated her like a human being.

I later told some of my coursemates about that, and they had absolutely no idea she had that kind of power. I like to think that maybe they started treating her a little better after learning what a little courtesy can accomplish. But I certainly learned that "little people" can hold great power that can be wielded in your favor if you just treat them like you want to be treated.

Courtesy makes you likable and smooths human relationships in everything you do. It gives you a huge edge. I don't understand why people don't do it. Maybe they grew up in an environment where courtesy is taken as weakness. Or maybe they are so convinced of their own merit that they feel there is no need to be nice to the "little people." Either way, they are seriously handicapping their future happiness.

Courtesy offers so much gain for so little effort. From smiling and holding the door open for someone at the supermarket to giving a considerate reply to someone who went to the trouble to come in for an interview, courtesy makes life better for everyone. The return smile and sincere thank you from the person at the supermarket brightens your whole day. The rejected candidate who received your thoughtful message might be the exact fit for a later job.

Similar to the quote in the original article, I believe you can learn a lot about a person by how they treat the hired help, whether it be at work or in a restaurant or hotel. If someone has no power of retribution, even if you are a selfish jerk, and you still treat them kindly, it's a pretty good sign you aren't a selfish jerk. On the other hand, if you are considering a future spouse or employer, and they treat servers and underlings like trash, someday they will treat you like trash too.

Courtesy is karma. You give to others, it always comes back to you.

I was always brought up to be polite, even to people who didn't deserve it - and especially to people who you didn't know well enough to form an opinion. The number of people who reject this approach and just act like everyone else is crap is sad.

My experience of this was, following graduation from university, going to the job centre. I was looking for a mundane job for a year to earn some travelling money. My "advisor" treated me like an idiot, and a failure - constantly asking why I was "incapable of finding a graduate job". The idea that I didn't actually want a "career" quite then seemed beyond her.

What a weird situation; I was a pretty smart guy, with a very strong engineering degree, being treated like an idiot by someone with very weak academic credentials. I didn't care what she was qualified in (she made a point of having the certificate on her wall, I think it was a foundation course in arts) so long as she was competent at her job; but ''by her own value system'' I was several steps above her on the ladder, even jobless.

She made a point of being a jerk about my unusual choice, rather than simple getting over her disdain and helping me out!

In the end I walked out on the principle of it. Being treated like crap is demoralising.

That was an important life lesson, and ever since I've made extra effort to treat people as human beings.

This has left a lasting impression on me and I try to always show courtesy to everyone, when meeting investors and clients I always make a point of thanking the person sorting the drinks, having a quick chat with the receptionist/secretary/cleaner, and generally "taking an interest". I also have no problem apologising if I've messed up or caused someone extra hassle.

I'm not sure how much it helps in the grand scheme of things but it sure makes the day more enjoyable and pleseant.

And to think I actually referred people to use their service before. Since this incident, I have lost a ton of respect for this person specifically. Not because we were not a good fit for each other, but because of the 360 degree change in attitude once he had no use for you. A bit sad to say this person is probably on HN too.

In contrast, his email responses while trying to recruit me originally were always within 24 hours, usually between 5~25 minutes. Fairly lengthy emails too. It's not that difficult to let someone know if you don't think you (and I) are not the best fit for each other. Show some respect.

I seriously considered leaving my office and going to the coffee shop to apologize for this person's behavior, and I personally am finished with this individual in both a social and professional context. There is pretty much nothing I find more offensive than rudeness when people make a mistake.

Think that over the next time you find yourself in disagreement with someone over differing opinions of a third person.

In my experience, more often than not, the above quote will explain everything.

Over the years, I've worked with way too many people are delightful to their peers, but a blatant jackasses to the folks who empty their trash.

It's worth looking at in the context of the post it references, though [1]; several very useful and valid responses were made by people citing the practical issues with responding to every inquiry from every applicant.

Granted, I don't believe that applies to the author's anecdote, but they do both have a place in the same discussion.

[1] https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=5518881

1) Being courteous, over the long term, gives you power. There have been a number of initiatives I've been able to get done at work, that others could not, simply because colleagues give me a greater benefit of the doubt. They do so because I have always treated them very well, even when we disagree.

2) To be truly courteous, you must be very organized. If you're unorganized, it's easy to lose track of things--and it will be impossible to keep track of the many niceties of small interactions. But these are what add up, over time, to a great reputation.

Number 2 is an insight I have learned (and continue to learn) the hard way.

Rude behavior is a powerful "tell" or signal that gives you insight into how that party may behavior in the future. As he notes, he's going to avoid them in the future.

Now suppose they "get the message" that this behavior makes them look bad and institute some sort of "fake" courtesy; that signal will be lost. Personally, I'd rather not tell the jerks of the world that they have a sign on their back that says "I'm Jerk".

Let me unpack that a bit:

People walk all over courteous people especially when they wield no social clout or when the person is of little consequence, in general.

Courtesy is too often taken -- in North American circles these days -- to be a dose of deference paid in advance for a future (and usually much larger) reciprocal dose of consideration or favor of some kind.

In short, unless you wield considerable worth ( of some kind ) no one's going to rule in your favor -- and against a much more formidable party -- owing to your courteousness.

It's unfortunate.