Tips for Difficult Conversations

Most important: actually have the conversation.

Difficult conversation: "You are highly unlikely to ever finish your Ph.D."

Net result of postponing: student spends 8-12 years in grad school, 5-9 years more than necessary. 3-5 years of support (approx $60k) are wasted. Multiple students who might succeed are rejected from grad school.

You are not doing anyone any favors by avoiding difficult conversations.

Maybe worth mentioning again:

* Try using the personal pronoun "I" as much as possible.

This is used in the 7 rules itself "I... and I... and I..."

* Try to have the difficult conversation 1 on 1 and face-to-face

Avoid situations where there is more at stake for the person you are having the difficult conversation with.

->"Adopt the "And Stance". Take control of the conversation by pre-empting distractions, objections and blame by using "and". "I know you worked all night, and I know you want to do well, and I know you just joined the company, and I know the graphics people sometimes get the data wrong, and I know I could have been clearer in my directions to you...." And, and, and."

Interesting strategy but (1) because I'm a stickler for sentence construction even when I'm speaking I would not find this natural to do and (2) if you make a list of points that are part of that "And Stance" and just firmly plough through them, blocking any interruptions, you can achieve the same effect. A better approach might simply be to say something like: "Let me make a couple of points first".

->"Paraphrase. To create clarity and to let people know you're genuinely listening, summarize what they're telling you -- and ask them to do the same."

Paraphrasing is a technique that's used extensively in counseling psychology but its uses are unlimited. By simply mirroring something that someone says you can improve communication in a whole range of situations. It increases the perception that the speaker is being listened to and neutralizes emotions in difficult situations by making people who are upset feel empathized with. It actually increases the feeling of connection on both sides.