From playing around with gorillas in QBasic to pretending to know C to learning HTML visually to getting CSS and DOM to trying to remake PacMan in C++ to finally learning Python and Django and Flask and the point of OOP to finally now realizing the modern day shift towards EDP thus how powerful JavaScript really is.
Ten years of sucking. To realize I'm not meant to be a programmer because my code is not as efficient, compact, or beautiful enough like the "pros" that keep pushing to GitHub.
And that internal chasm, that lack of confidence is what kills it for me. And if I were to do it all over again I would have definitely done all this on other people's time and money instead of my own.
But I just keep hacking away because programming is art and until the day I can bring about all the crazy things I know I see in my head that will change the world I will suffer for my art.