Sometimes it is the physical feeling of nausea and of cold water running through your veins.
Other times you shake with anxiety and your thoughts do not stay still. You wonder if you will be crazy permanently as it stunts your abilities, and begin to count 1..2..3..4..5..6..7..in order to keep your mind..8..9..10..connected to that one thought you were trying to have.
Or perhaps you feel everything has gone wrong and you recall how you tried to improve everything and what little effect you had; and you tell yourself off for your inadequacies and tell yourself that you must try harder next time. But you feel like it's hopeless: you did your best before and cannot see what you could do better. So you begin to cry and then start to laugh from the bitter-sweet realisation that you have given it everything. You ask yourself whether there's somebody to talk to about all of this, but the counsellors didn't work, your family have their own troubles, and your friends always cut you off at any sign you need their care. Why should you receive help anyway: nothing you are experiencing is out of the realms of normal human experience. You live a good life.
Sometimes you run across the road and, as you run, a car narrowly misses you. "I'm not ready to die yet!" you joke, yet your mind counters "Who am I kidding?" So next time you walk slower, imagining the vehicle slam into you. Or you imagine throwing yourself off the buildings you're walking past, or walking into the bar and starting a fight with the most threatening looking thug so you could either win over something you hate or die violently. Sometimes people wonder where your new-found courage has come from: why you're not worried about failing anymore. The horrible truth, it was the best take-away from the worst thought: you want to win or be ripped apart.
Other days you think of the positive mental attitude you have tried to grow, the self-help books you have read, the people you have given your love to, and the pressure that you are putting yourself under to try and come out of this and you just wonder how it has been months since I felt pleasure. A thought enters your mind: another 10 years for everybody's benefit but mine. Do I deserve this? Is being able to will myself to continue all there should be [0].