Waking up just in time to be late

I've been thinking about my inability to fix such stupid shit in my life a lot over this past holiday season. And then once again, I woke up late for work. After doing some math that morning while in the shower, I figured out that I've probably been on-time to stuff maybe 20% of the time. I've been engaged in full-time work for 6 years. 6 years x 50 weeks x 4 days a week late x 3 hours increased stress = 3600 hours of stress.

For what.. to "stay up late"? What am I, a fucking 9 year old?

Then like a tidal wave of self-hatred, I saw my recent life in the third person, and was horrified. It was one long pattern, that runs on a week long loop at best.

My new years resolution had come together, entirely by accident. I decided I was going to be uncomfortable in 2013. Inspiration struck (albeit with poor grammar) and I posted the following to Facebook:

""" 2013

Our goal is to feel like a phoenix. To be reborn into this new age. New from the past, inside out, and birthed from an experience of the last.

And yet I sit here, a fixed point. A mapped function, an obvious recursion of my previous self.

In 2011, for the third time in my life, I changed everyone I knew. I moved 3000 miles, I bawled my eyes out at a rest stop in South Dakota, and I found out why people move to Salt Lake City (it's gorgeous). But now I realize my fault, the mistake in my goals. I blamed the symptom not the disease. 2012 was my year of addressing symptoms. Of seeing the forest for the trees.

The disease is ease. The comfort of the familiar is the death of the new.

So I say fuck the phoenix. Screw last year, disown the past. For us I hope for only one thing:

Be unnerved. Shudder, cry, and find new people to misunderstand.

Be uncomfortable.

I don't know what the future holds for me, and I pray the same is true for you. """

Stepan - I wish you the best of luck. Habit change has never been "just habit change" for me. Need to eat less? Get a depression counselor. Want to meet new people? Cancel NetFlix. As they say, nothing is easy because if were easy you'd already be doing it.

(well that was more than I expected to write)