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Finally, a model small enough to self-host on my 2012 MacBook Air if I don't mind my house reaching room temperature in 2 seconds.

You might be missing three 0s on the parameter count, or what am I missing?

I'm assuming you need somewhere 0.5 to 1TB of RAM for the weights only

not to ignore you but how is it possible that I have zero karma

Someone downvoted you. Now you have -1.