Surely a recurring automatically renewable $1 monthly/weekly/daily contract would solve the problem? Lawyer on a retainer can't really babble about your crimes and is required to protect the confidential information.
Lawyers have a duty of care to the court and they will absolutely drop your ass if you try to make them keep quiet about your crimes.
(This is not to be confused with them representing you in defense. You can tell them about your crimes if the government is trying to get you for said crimes.)