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Comment by avidiax | Hacker News Reader

What you are describing is emotional neglect and a failure of parenting.

You were meant to learn to recognize and name that energy and emotionality, and then learn to sit with it and develop adaptive coping strategies as needed, not maladaptive ones like negative self-concept and emotional repression.

It can take quite a long time to realize all of this and unlearn the patterns, and unfortunately, first line therapies like CBT are possibly detrimental for these issues.

Edit: also, you need not be fair to your parents. They are meant to adapt to parenting you, even if you were legitimately overactive or overemotional. Instead, you adapted to them.

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> They are meant to adapt to parenting you, even if you were legitimately overactive or overemotional. Instead, you adapted to them.

That's just your own projection. Both sides adapt, and you haven't heard the other side yet.

Since children turn into adults, and not the other way around, I'd say that children adapt much more than parents.

Can you give an example "their side" that explains the outcomes the parent comment expressed?

The obvious example is what if they were simply too much for the parents even with adaptation. Though, not sure if I'd believe that.

Maybe both parents had to work two jobs. Maybe they had their own life challenges.

Perfect parenting, if such a thing exists, certainly has an economic minimum price.

And likely has a previous generation upraising requirement as well. There's a reason maladaptive cycles continuing down through generations happens: parents are often defined by their parents ad infinitum.

What matters as a parent is being the best you can be, and striving to be better than your parents were.

All that matters is the outcome. The child has to live with it.

Offspring repeat maladaptive traits which were considered normal or effective. Any skills lacked will have to be self-taught or sought out once they become aware. The narrative of being the best we can be and putting in 100% effort as parents unfortunately only makes us feel better about our situation/security, personal life choices (including avoidance), and quality of connection. Many people have kids for the sake of it and to improve their own lives. This is one of the insidious roots of a potentially painful upbringing.

Shifting the thought framing to seeking "reasons" rather than "blame" for behaviors allowed me to see failures or betrayals for what they are. I could then grieve the times I was hurt despite the love and intentions. I processed anger and bitterness about this along with a host of unresolved traumas and associated emotions that I never had the chance to resolve internally at the time. What remains is a dull universal sadness at seeing the truth of all this - the obvious harms we are doing to ourselves and each other despite "best intentions". It's a small price to pay to finally be arriving at a sense of internal peace.

Effective or "good enough" parenting requires a range of skills including emotional intelligence and awareness of our flaws in order to reduce harm, and to treat the child as a separate individual. Everyone gets stressed and makes mistakes, but those skills determine whether it's an opportunity to teach children how to self-regulate and resolve conflict, or an internal clusterfuck that sets them up for a lifetime of interpersonal issues, poor self-regulation, and disappointment. Prioritizing emotional presence is critical.

Some people with deeper issues can cause problematic child development and attachment regardless of material conditions or physical presence. It's mainly whether the child has room to grow themselves or if they are stunted/controlled by the environment.

I believe we should look at ourselves deeply and honestly to work on our own state of mind before diving into commitments. The reward of internal peace is worth the price of realizing this reality. From here we can improve it for the next generations.

Why is CBT detrimental? Is there evidence for that?

There is evidence that CBT is detrimental for several psychologies, including BPD, C-PTSD, OCD, autism spectrum.

It's my own experience that CBT was only helpful at recognizing distorted thinking, which didn't resolve any of my other problems, and worse, was effectively gaslighting me by claiming that if I feel bad, I must be distorting my thinking somehow. It effectively has the therapist invalidating the patient, which is often the patient's core injury (parental invalidation).

CBT also reinforces certain maladaptive coping strategies, like intellectualization, rationalization, emotional numbing, etc. Repressing your feelings and intellectualizing everything is mistaken for progress under CBT.

Lastly, I think that CBT being first-line and so widely available means that most people seeking therapy will probably get CBT first. The practitioners of CBT won't always be able to recognize that CBT is limited for this patient and refer to a specialist in another modality, like schema therapy, ACT, DBT, etc. So many people will go to therapy multiple times, get very little benefit, and come to believe that their situation is hopeless or that therapy doesn't work, when the problem is that they've been offered the wrong treatment.

What a shitty, unsympathetic take. Parenting is hard, especially with difficult children. Most parents do the best they can but they end up unintentionally screwing up their children anyway. That's just life.

It’s not hard to not “physically scold” a child.

Actually it is hard to maintain perfect discipline and self control when parenting a child who frequently acts out. Perhaps you can do it. Most parents slip up occasionally.

Turning it into an all-or-nothing thing doesn't help. Nobody's perfect.

If you have the urge to use violence or verbal abuse, shouting etc. at a child - things that would be illegal to do to even an adult or would most certainly get you fired at work - you have emotional control issues, perhaps from your own upbringing.

Kids naturally want to please their parents and respond well in most settings, as they are totally and utterly dependent on parents for survival. It's not difficult to use this to discipline them in constructive ways. Unless something is medically wrong, their specific behavior reflects their environment and upbringing.

Parents need to react well about 30% of the time for a kid to form a secure attachment, so there’s a lot of wiggle room and slip ups do not effect the overall pattern.

It’s not all on the parents of course but often family systems push parents to have kids when they don’t know how much they’ve been neglected or have major attachment issues themselves. Theres a huge social hereditary thing.

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