This is definitely a factor for me when I tried to get diagnosed (which failed lol), because my parents whom caused my trauma would obviously refuse to blame themselves for my emotionally stunted development
Sadly it is still (and probably will be) too easy to deflect responsibility and have everyone believe their side. They will probably pass on with nobody realizing what they've done to me. It took me long enough for me to realize my own situation, was how severe it was. I hope more people wake up to the fact that people like me are out there.
The false diagnosis is a perfect distraction for you to continue to blame yourself for all your faults while they get away with everything, for decades. That lost time will never come back.
The thing we call ADHD is just one phenotype amongst thousands. Every behaviour has a cause, and anyone out there who has been through a childhood with traumatic experiences and feelings of guilt and inadequacy need to understand that they don't need to be told that they have the currently-fashionable condition in order to forgive themselves.
This sounds flippant, but I don't mean it to be: What if I said that this happened because you had Mercury in Taurus? The point is here that nothing is your fault. Conversely, everything is; this mirrors the free-will vs predestination paradox.
And the solution in the article is: how do best make them conform, and “do a bunch of work on themselves” so they are not like themselves, but more like the average.
I’m sure you don’t need validation from random internet strangers, but as one with a similar enough childhood, I wanted to share that it’s a thoroughly shit club to be in.
In her defense, I had my birthday party just a few days before and it was an unusual year in that school had started by (maybe even on) my birthday.
I remember feeling a bit disappointed on the day, but certainly not distraught or traumatised. I also never found myself randomly thinking about the incident after except for when my mom mentions it or from stories like this.
My point is that it depends on the person on how big a deal it was. Also, perhaps the parents do feel guilty about it, hence sometimes sharing it as a “funny story”, but I wouldn’t know.
My own 6 year old child seems to be neurodivergent (I suspect I am too) and is struggling a bit with pre-school, even now at a bridging school.
We first had to confront it about 2 years ago when the highly regarded mainstream school she was at said she would have to repeat the year.
At least for me as a parent, the possibility that my child won’t grow up to be a self sufficient is terrifying, so it was quite a bit to come to terms with.
Fortunately we weren't in denial and she’s getting exceptional assistance, but some parents definitely find themselves in denial when confronted with this situation.
I’m not going to speak for anyone else, but if I forget a thing and “fixing” it is as simple as saying sorry and doing it the next day, I’ll do it. And I will keep doing it on a loop if need be _because I care_.
And that’s often the easy sign for this stuff. Did your parents forget and _not even try_ to show that they care?
It’s the sheer indifferent callousness that stands out starkest to me. It doesn’t take much, I’ve found, for people to state outright “you’re wrong to expect me to care about you.”
I will say that my eldest, and otherwise wonderful and engaging daughter is having a hell of a time at her school right now, and schools and SEN provision and, honestly, competence, are highly variable, and I’ve been surprised at how large the differences can be.
Or, this was sarcasm?
Anyway I don't like birthdays myself. I don't like getting presents, I don't like giving them. If you want something just buy it. Why this weird ritual??
It's a once a year reminder that people are happy that you exist.
Sometimes children can feel like maybe their existence makes their parents lives worse, so it is important for them to be reassured that that is not the case (even if it is).
It's also just a fun thing to do. For some kids it's one of the few times per year they're allowed to go wild with sweets, so it's something they look forward to.
> If you want something just buy it.
Kids also often do not yet manage their own finances, so they don't have the freedom to just buy the things they want.
Or make it, as was my case growing up, when my parents couldn't afford what I wanted anyway.
Money isn't an issue now, so gifts are definitely annoying. I'm not going to wait a month to maybe get the correct drill bit/appliance/etc. I'll just get the correct one now, and play a game or go into town with me on/near-ish my birthday
I think it just irks me that everybody thinks it's so bad this boy's birthday was forgotten, while not knowing anything about it. I have friends that take their kids to out-of-school care at 7:00, pick them up again 18:00 all week, so they can put them to bed and that's it. But hey, they have a nice birthday right? Lot of presents! We have always made it a point to have someone at home (early on it was also the grand parents), someone to pick them up from school, no day-care, we have a drink with them ask them about their day, help them go to friends etc. But heavens forbid if I'd forget a birthday (which honestly could happen without my partner here, although with smartphones nowadays it'd indeed be a big oversight.)
You’re not a dick and you weren’t being a dick, I totally agree about writing on the internet - it’s tricky to feel and to tell, and I imagine I must be insufferable at times.
I can see your point now and I think we might agree on more than either of us first thought. I can see how much you care for your family in every word you’ve written, and I’d be a bit surprised if one of your kids was at home, told you it’s their birthday, and your reaction would be to laugh about it, and then carry on with your day as normal with no further reaction or acknowledgement of it.
So - Ii’s not about remembering, or about the card or presents or cake: it’s what you do with the information in front of you. From the sounds of it you’re demonstrating your care brilliantly every day.
(I have the same type of brain wiring you’ve described, incidentally. My extremely accepting wife would ask me to buy her some flowers, nothing showy, just something to brighten up the house and remind her of me. And I’d hear that as “she wants me to remember to buy her flowers sometime” and file it away. And several years later we figured out that gap in our communications and nowadays, when it’s important enough to her that she asks me to buy her flowers - I buy the flowers. Turns out that that was all it took to demonstrate that I care.)
My wife and I have forgotten our own anniversaries and other events, so now we have reminders in our shared calendar so we don't forget to celebrate, mostly because it's embarassing to tell family that we both mutually forgot about our anniversary than that it actually bothers us. We have date night weekly anyway (and family night weekly)
That is, they chose to make a bigger deal over celebrating the dead, than they did their living child.
In my case they had interviews with two exes (who are two of my best friends), my sister and my parents.
Government doesn't like that "too many" people want to get support, so looks like they reach for academics.
Same crap they did with cannabis and others when it was impacting certain interests.
to make an analogy to physical health:
someone has chronic gastrointestinal pain, but they just live with it and have never talked to a doctor about it.
they watch a video from someone talking about having chronic GI pain and getting diagnosed with ulcerative colitis.
they go to a doctor and say "I think I have ulcerative colitis"
the doctor runs tests, and they come back negative.
I get that it's tempting to say "oh this person was misled by a video on social media"
but, the pain they were feeling was real. even if they jumped to an incorrect conclusion about its cause.
and after those negative tests, they can work with their doctor to find out "ok, what else might be causing my symptoms?"
Yeah that's exactly what I'm saying, but more specifically I wanted to relieve myself of blame through a label my parents could more easily empathize with
The support I need is just to have NORMAL people around that I can mirror and be part of normal society, and not just traumatized people or criminals(which can be the same as well).
While I support free will, but cannabis changes brains - and people, that have killed certainly can't claim that they had any beneficial effects from smoking cannabis. And as someone that have heightened senses, I also have negative bias towards cannabis use in public. Also, I have tried it - it did not made me feel better, but worse - I felt even more stressed. I would rather be drunk, than smell cannabis around me.