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Comment by maerF0x0 | Hacker News Reader

I've tried to do this in my community: Challenges faced.

- People unwilling to commit to an event > 7 days in advance

- People flaking even when they do

- Unreciprocated $100s of dollars spent is non sustainable, and lowkey feels kinda like buying others friendship

- People in urban places are living in smaller and smaller spaces. Though counterbalanced by many nicer apartment buildings have amenities spaces that help.

- mixing circles -- people are often isolating their friend groups into niches (pickelball friends, church friends, D&D friends...)

- And IMO the overarching issue in America that creates so many problems -- Everyone is so overworked that they don't have the energy/capactity to do good things: Exercise, and hosting parties being two examples.

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> - mixing circles -- people are often isolating their friend groups into niches (pickelball friends, church friends, D&D friends...)

I was raised in a social environment where mixing circles was normal and it took me a while to realize that that's not how Americans do things. It certainly creates a lot of difficulties connecting with others, and at least for myself I am a lot less motivated to get to know people better when I'm the X or Y buddy they reach out to when the people they actually want to hang out with are unavailable.

> - People unwilling to commit to an event > 7 days in advance

You want N people. Assume 1/2 won't show. Invite 2N people. Either ask people to bring a bit of food, or provide food for 1.5xN and if you get only N then you'll have leftovers.

> - Unreciprocated $100s of dollars spent is non sustainable, and lowkey feels kinda like buying others friendship

If you have the disposable invome for it then it's its own reward, and you're not buying friends: you're helping them make new friends with your other guests, and this is something they'll appreciate about you. They might or might not reciprocate because as we've seen in this thread, many are not into hosting.

> - mixing circles -- people are often isolating their friend groups into niches (pickelball friends, church friends, D&D friends...)

Mixing is half the point!!

> - And IMO the overarching issue in America that creates so many problems -- Everyone is so overworked that they don't have the energy/capactity to do good things: Exercise, and hosting parties being two examples.

That's what long weekends are for, so host a party on a day in a long weekend.

> Either ask people to bring a bit of food

See my last point, they're too busy/tired. 1/2 the people bring chips and salsa they picked up last minute on the way there.

> Mixing is half the point

People no longer want mixing. Anyone who disagrees about anything they believe is "toxic" or microviolent.

> That's what long weekends are for

People already maxxed want rest, isolation, catchup a breath on the very few long weekends. Those who do happen to have capacity want social media viable things to show off their status to their friends.

> People no longer want mixing. Anyone who disagrees about anything they believe is "toxic" or microviolent.

Well, maybe some are like that. They'll stop coming to your parties, or you'll stop inviting them, or you already know they are like this so you won't even invite them. The rest will keep showing up -- they're the fun ones!

With this attitude...

> > Either ask people to bring a bit of food

> See my last point, they're too busy/tired. 1/2 the people bring chips and salsa they picked up last minute on the way there.

And that is fine, at least the first time. People learn and will not bring chips and salsa afterwards. Plus, the goal of the shared dinner is to have people over, not to enjoy fancy meals.

I don’t get the commit thing. I see it too. “I’ll see how work is and let you know” or something like it. My view is always that an advance plan reduces rather than increases anxiety.

> Unreciprocated $100s of dollars spent [...]

See, that's your problem. You don't throw a house party because you want to go to other house parties. You do that because and only because, you want to throw a house party.

I can understand how you'd read that I dont throw house parties from a single HN post. The greater context is I've tried variously over the past decade, spent 1000s on parties, and have found a recurring negative impact on my own well being because I outlay of my resources (mental, energetic, monetary) in a dissipative way that is not poured back into me. I am a zero sum being and so the cost to me is realistically taken away from other places I can maintain my own health, sanity, and other desirable outcomes.

Maybe the truth is I dont want to throw a house party -- I want the outcomes of a house party... Friends, community, being known, meeting someone who might become a friend/spouse, not being alone on isolating holidays (like thanksgiving / christmas / NYE) .

Yeah, that's one of those "tough pills to swallow". Everyone of course wants everything and they want to give up nothing. Prioritizing/triaging your own desires is a very tough skill to build, but if you can try to figure out "what do I want" and "what am I willing to trade to get what I want", you will probably find happiness in short order. If you genuinely don't want to spend the cash for a house party, don't do it. If you just want to run it cheaply, run it cheap: I recommend simple card games (Flip 7 is $10 and works with big groups) and some cheeeeeaaap potato chips, with water as the beverage (or ask people to bring their own whatever if they want). Tell them you're here to host games and chatting. Host, keep hosting, and get picky about who you invite back.

> get picky about who you invite back

Honestly, with a good top of funnel, I think this is the real pro tip

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