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I think it was Dr K of Healtgygamer that explained it something like non-toxic shame is a useful signal — “I did something wrong and this is a signal telling me so; I need to correct my behaviour” vs toxic shame as in “I am fundamentally a bad/worthless person”. We kinda got the two tangled together and in trying to reduce the second, we probably demonised the first a bit too much.

Could be remembering wrong though.

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https://www.johnbradshaw.com/books/healing-the-shame-that-bi...

John Bradshaw defined toxic shame as distinct from a healthy sense of dignity, manners, and modesty. Also, he addresses how toxic shame can be "carried" by people, and passed down in families, as a legacy, so that eventually those who are afflicted need to heal from it, to stop the cycle.

I have personally read this book (found it in community college library) and I found myself wishing I'd paid more attention to his talks while he was active.

That's a great point. And it goes probably both ways. The young person doing something annoying might also be annoyed by something different the older person does. Respectful communication is probably the key but why is it so elusive ?

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