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Comment by MrDrDr | Hacker News Reader

Is the true in America? I’m in the UK, and while social isolation, particularly for men is probably worse than it was, I think many, myself included, have at least one person we can turn to in times of crisis. Or am I in a bubble?

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The author of this piece, Ryan Burge, typically relies data that is scoped to the US for his pieces (to the best of my knowledge). You would have to reach out to him to inquire about the UK, if any similar data is available for analysis, etc. With that said, the ARDA appears to have global data available at https://thearda.com/

> This post has been unlocked through a generous grant from the Lilly Endowment for the Association of Religion Data Archives (ARDA). The graphs you see here use data that is publicly available for download and analysis through link(s) provided in the text below.

Code for this post can be found at https://gist.github.com/ryanburge/0895d855fdc93c3ce26b034349...

(Ryan also wrote "The Vanishing Church: How the Hollowing Out of Moderate Congregations Is Hurting Democracy, Faith, and Us," which I highly recommend; he is exceptionally data driven within this domain, no affiliation besides subscribing to his Substack)

https://bakerpublishinggroup.com/products/9781587436697_the-...

Precovid social isolation was the same in US and UK. [0] This investigation have numbers that say that Brits are experiencing more social isolation than untitedstateians. [1]

[0] https://publica.org.au/wp-content/uploads/DiJulio-et-al.-Lon...

[1] https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle...

its not a signficant difference though. 22% vs 23% for total reporting isolation.

> unitedstateians

We're going to need a better name for them. Trumpistanians perhaps?

This is absolutely true in america. My partner left me and my social life has completely collapsed. I have nobody to talk to when things get difficult. I am estranged from my father, my mother is disabled and requires increasing medical support. I'm an only child, I have no local family.

Once the floor drops out from under you there is nothing to stop the rapid decent to nothingness. There is a generation of discarded people who have nobody left. When we lose our last threads of social connection there's no way back. Beyond hopeless.

Enjoy your bubble. america is completely fucked.

Call 211

I think it helps to live in a city. The cities have their problems, they're expensive and dirty, but there are loads of older single adults, and even an introvert can sit at the same bar once a week and meet people, or go to meetups or a weekly class and slowly meet people. Hell, in bad times even chatting with a bartender was nice.

Being in your shoes in a suburban setting surrounded by families and neat little houses (or huge fields in a country setting) I imagine is hard. I'm only making assumptions.

Have you thought about traveling long weekends or abroad longer? Perfectly doable solo.

Meetups aren't as effective as you think. I have seen complaints from multiple large European cities that general social meetups don't actually result much in people exchanging contacts and meeting again in future; it feels like a one-off encounter with other human beings, and that makes it dismal. There is even a predatory industry now of for-profit social meetups because people are so lonely, and knowing that one is being exploited only makes it more dismal.

For more specialized hobby meetups, it is a common complaint that one's fellows are only met while practicing the hobby, they never become general friends that one can meet regularly with, let alone turn to in emotionally heavy times.

I wouldn't recommend solo travel as a way to socialize unless one knows the person's age. It's a sad fact that over the age of about 30-35, solo travelers (especially men) can no longer take advantage of the social opportunities of the backpacker scene; you might get a few nice chats, but most travelers will be very wary of you.

Learning how to develop a social network independently is a skill. If your partner leaving you collapses your social life, do you live in a small town where the narrative has turned against you, or did you simply rely on them to be the adult in the room and set up playdates for you like you're a child?

Go to bookclubs.com and start a book club, or join a book club, or go to a local library and do any of the social stuff. Go to a crochet club, even empty-handed, chances are the fiber arts people will have plenty to spare. These are friendships that have to be forged and worked on day in and day out to strengthen them, like a sword.

The plight can be quite real but when people say they have no social life what they're not saying is what sort of social life do they want? What do they want to do while being social with people?

>> My partner left me and my social life has completely collapsed. I have nobody to talk to when things get difficult. I am estranged from my father, my mother is disabled and requires increasing medical support. I'm an only child, I have no local family.

> Learning how to develop a social network independently is a skill. If your partner leaving you collapses your social life, do you live in a small town where the narrative has turned against you, or did you simply rely on them to be the adult in the room and set up playdates for you like you're a child?

Oh fuck your attitude and grow some empathy. Someone confesses a serious personal problem and you start lecturing them, implying they are incompetent and/or are a man-child?

Some of your advice isn't bad, but your delivery is terrible, and life is more complicated than you imply (e.g. what if he's depressed, what if his partner was controlling and didn't allow him to have an independent social life, what if he has no interest in "fiber arts", etc)?

When you are down on your luck

When there is no one to care

There is someone who gives a f*ck

Who can tell you: life is very fair

It is all cause and effect

Have you even tried?

You can make your own life erect

And I’m sorry the soothsayers lied

But I care, believe me it’s true

You child, you fool

Surely the social clubs are not that few

It’s a skill just like shearing wool

If you have the money, you could always hire escorts. Eventually you'll find one you click with and you can develop a friendly working relationship with a beautiful woman who will listen to all your problems and if she's smart, even maybe give you a valuable outside perspective on what you're experiencing.

How many upvotes do you have? I'll assume that will be representative of the prevalence of your case.

Sorry for you situation and stay strong.

"There's no way back"? Only if you cannot ever form new relationships.

Look, I'm not saying it's easy. And when you're in despair, the despair makes it harder. But "impossible" and "beyond hopeless" are lies. Stop believing them. Start trying to find ways to build new relationships, even if it's slow and hard.

"There is a generation of discarded people who have nobody left. When we lose our last threads of social connection there's no way back. Beyond hopeless."

It is not hopeless. You state it yourself - there are many people like you, so maybe try and connect with them?

That sucks and I'm sure it feels hopeless. But there are ways forward you can investigate. Look for a local community you can plug into. Ease into them and after some time you will be able to make the kind of connections you need.

My personal preference is a local church but there are other options out there. Club's around a shared interest you have. Community center events in your area. It's won't be quick and it won't be easy but you can reverse this.

I don't necessarily disagree, but if you want social connection and you're willing to work at it and endure some discomfort in the process, you can find it. From your perspective your situation is hopeless, but you can (eventually, with work) adjust your perspective and find a path toward a more satisfying existence. If you're able to work with a therapist I'd very much recommend that, and if you don't connect with your therapist find a different one. It's normal to try a few before finding the one that works for you.

Sorry to hear this - fwiw I was in a similar situation: divorce, estranged from parents, father with anger/mood problems he refused to fix. Social life tanked.

I joined cycling and hiking groups for a while... but thats very different from having someone close. I recommended trying to get on the dating scene again and find someone compatible. Good luck pal.

Another comment said to move to a city, highly recommended - there is loads to do and you meet people through other people in real-life (online/apps are a minefield)

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