I'm not informed enough to know if what I'm asking is ludicrous. Why does Cloudfare, Amazon, or some other hyperscaler ever build custom chips for running JavaScript. They could build in mitigations for these kind of shared resources attacks.
Since Cloudflare cares more about scale & throughput than single-worker performance, you could imagine security wins from a CPU design that forgoes modern stateful complexity wherever possible. Say, using a totally random cache replacement algorithm instead of the vulnerable LRU approach described in this article.
But the hit would be signficant, and Cloudflare is almost surely better off remediating the problems of complex hardware with software.