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Comment by thenoblesunfish | Hacker News Reader

I feel a lot of regret having had children. Not 100%, but it's always going to be more than 0%. I adore my kids but it's too much for my brain and it makes me miserable a lot of the time. I don't bring it up except to counsellors (or anonymous internet bros, apparently) because (a) it's not actionable - there is no going back (b) it's a bummer and no one has anything to say about it.

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This is one of the things I think about when considering kids++, when does the regret start (if at all)? Or as posted in other comments, will the health lottery have me regret having +1? Time will tell.

> it's a bummer and no one has anything to say about it.

I think a lot of people could have something to say about this but they're afraid of being branded bad parent or bad people.

> it's not actionable - there is no going back

Going back isn't the only way to take action. If you can't change the trigger you can try to control to a degree how you feel about it.

True - ultimately I will have to, as that is the only escape from suffering.

How old are they? I honestly felt like that sometimes for the first few years but no longer now that they are somewhat capable of not dying without constant supervision and are becoming their own new persons

One is 6 years, the other is 6 months.

This is arguably the toughest it will ever get. It's very normal to feel all kinds of tough emotions right now. If this were climbing Mount Everest, you'd be near the top.

Or maybe they’ll run away at sixteen to join a gang.

You are probably right! But you might be assuming I wanted kids before I realized it wasn't all I'd hoped. I never really wanted them but said ok to my partner. I figured that most of the nicer and more fulfilled older people I knew had kids. Then again now I wonder if that's because there are plenty of older fulfilled people without kids off doing their thing and not interacting with the likes of me.

85% of women eventually have at least one child. So there are older folks out there without kids, but it's a relatively small group.

I'm sorry to hear you never wanted kids. I guess it's more complicated if you were sure beforehand that it's not for you. I hope you're able to balance the love with the effort.

Give it time. It is hard work, but it gets easier as it goes along. I'd brace yourself for about 5 years of it being relentless but slowly getting easier. By which point, although it will still not be easy you should at least be regularly getting some time to yourself to recharge.

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