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Comment by apodolny | Hacker News Reader

For anyone reading this story as a cautionary tale on having children, you should know that this is not my lived experience of parenting (or the described experience of many of my peers). The way he describes it is the exact opposite of my experience:

> "if you feed me a BIG tablespoon of shit every day and then switch to just a little teaspoon daily, I won’t suddenly start liking the taste of shit."

I genuinely love time spent with my child. I had a similar experience to him and Felix in my 20s and am glad I did, but I'd never want to go back there. That was right for me then and I deeply feel that parenting (alongside a software engineering career I love) is the most joyful, rewarding place to be in my 30s.

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As someone who now identifies first and foremost as a father, it baffles me every time I meet a man who has means and intelligence but managed to end up a resentful parent. It's not that I can't understand the many reasons a person would not want to have children, but I find it very difficult to understand how a capable person can fail to avoid this scenario. And yet, I have observed it with enough frequency to know that there's something I'm missing.

If you are just talking about contraception, that's a bit reductive.

There is a notable percentage of people who regret having kids, despite initially deciding to have them.

It is not possible to fully anticipate what it's like. For some parents, an unexpected change in circumstances may also change perspectives. E.g. their own parents may fall ill and add to the caretaking burden instead of sharing in it.

Ha! It's more than contraception availability although that certainly is why I qualified my bafflement as being in regards to reasonably intelligent people. It's pretty easy to imagine how this could happen due to temporary or permanent affliction by idiocy.

None of the personal examples I have in mind had circumstances that explain the resentment these men expressed. I think you're right that they simply failed to anticipate how parenthood would be, or maybe they didn't even recognize it as something worth consideration.

This is exactly it. I love my children more than anything, I would die for them. I do regret having children though, *at the moment*. I didn't realise just how very hard it would be. My eldest is autistic though, so for seven years we've doubted ourselves, struggling because of his extreme emotions and meltdowns. And then feeling judged by the entire world because I don't feel as the world prescribes.

Until you've lived that life, it is best not to judge. Just like I couldn't judge how I would personally react to being a parent until I became one.

Btw, my regret fluctuates, and there are periods where I would not change things at all. I hope, with time, those periods grow longer until they're the only periods.

Thank you for this comment. I think your perspective helps me understand one of the examples I had in mind.

> There is a notable percentage of people who regret having kids, despite initially deciding to have them.

I always say that people choose to have kids, they don't choose to have teenagers

Treat your kids as adults when they reach puberty, problem solved. Never act like they are too young for anything. Just explain how the world works and let them figure it out. Just don’t get mad at every stumble along the way. Be there for them if they need you.

I say this unironically. The “Move fast and break things” approach works wonders for the relationship between parents and children.

That assumes that children/teenagers are logical creatures. They're not

You can follow every parenting guide under the sun and still be left with a moody teenager that argues back at everything you tell them

I don't think I implied or assumed that children are logical creatures.

> a moody teenager that argues back at everything you tell them

As an adult, do you like to be "told"?

Ask your kid how he likes to be treated.

You don’t need intelligence to be a good father. Good communication skills, discipline, empathy, patience, humility, clarity and predictability are all traits that don’t require above average intelligence.

Of course! You do, however, require some minimal quantity to use contraception.

It's worth mention that the examples I have in mind also weren't bad fathers. They were just secretly regretful and resentful.

Yeah, I found that quote utterly weird. At 50 I acquired a child and stepchild. I've never felt remotely the love I do for my kid. Not even when I was a child, for my parents. Nothing comes close to the utter joy of holding him tight.

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