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Kubernetes doesn't solve any technical problem, so the language it's written in is irrelevant.

I have a bunch of volumes that I'd like to get automatically attached and mounted to nodes on which their respective workload runs (which are automatically scheduled) who automatically fetch and mount their config files and secrets from a HA DB on demand. I also need some internal loadbalancing and integrations with something like certbot for all of my web workloads. Id also like to make sure that I get metrics and logs from every workload in some form.

Thats basically it for starters, what non-technical solution do you propose?

If k8s works for you, then go for it.

But k8s was invented so that "dev" and "ops" teams could play nicely when they are different org structures, with their own budgets, deadlines, etc.

If it solves some technical issue then that's incidental.

So you propose to just let Ops personnel handle attaching volumes and renewing certificates, that these arent technical problems but just one of team structure?

Please, do describe your solution for the concerns above. So far Ive only seen equivalents of Greenspun's tenth rule

What I meant is that the fact that the world is running on Kubernetes is not a qualitative statement about Kubernetes.

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