In Memory of My Wife, Elise Cawley, with Thanks for 36 Wonderful Years | Hacker News Reader

In Memory of My Wife, Elise Cawley, with Thanks for 36 Wonderful Years

writings.stephenwolfram.com

1,645 pointsjdcampolargo95 comments

An amazingly detailed tribute, you'd have to think this was taken from a journal, in which case it's impressive to keep such a record of their life, or maybe Stephen just has a fantastic memory.

Even through that detail you can really feel how much he loved and admired her.

> Somehow in the shock of what has happened it feels as if I just met Elise, and now she is gone.

A reminder that time's cruelty is making the wonderful feel shorter than the painful.

> My only solace in this tragedy is that the end came instantly, after a day filled with nothing but joy.

Hopefully we're all lucky enough to be allowed to rest without suffering while surrounded by loved ones.

Stephen has been documenting his life for decades now. He talks about his system here: https://writings.stephenwolfram.com/2019/02/seeking-the-prod...

A read a story of a guy who bumped into him at conference and had some sort of conversation. The following week he received a follow-up from Wolfram's office with his assigned conversation number. The number was to be used for all follow-ups.

I remember reading about a personal CRM project called Monica years ago. Does anyone here still use it? Is there an actively maintained alternative?

I still have an instance of it running and get email reminders about birthdays, but no, I don't think it has been actively developed for years.

TIL: https://www.monicahq.com/ and https://github.com/monicahq/monica

Last commit was a little over 11 months. There do seem to be a couple of signifiant security issues opened since then, with no response. Someone created a fork: https://github.com/brycehans/monica

There should be more forks of it, simply because each of the other forks so obviously need to pick the remaining names from that song that goes

A little bit of Monica in my life

https://genius.com/Lou-bega-mambo-no-5-a-little-bit-of-lyric...

We need more personal CRMs in general. Monica is too outdated by today's standards. There's one called Dex but no free plans there and it's a bit too complicated for a personal CRM, like a business-like onboarding, linkedin/notion integrations etc.

I'd personally prefer something that's easy to use and can intelligently keep track of my personal contacts that I may find valuable in years or decades from now. About a decade ago, I added three friends on Monica and I'm really glad to see the records again. I wish I added more details but I remember the process of adding someone was boring and unrewarding. It still is.

Edit: Dex is about $12/mo for the base plan. I don't think I'd be willing to drop that much dough for a personal CRM. Of course there's an option to self-organize/self-host it.

I agree.

Now you can do a lot better with a simple LLM+RAG setup.

Knowledge Mgt. (which I also teach) is one of the most neglected areas, privately, professionally and in corporations. A lot of companies' intranet is utterly useless - and everyone knows.

Something Dex-like really looks like a weekend project, I might even take a shot at it...

There was also iwantsandy but that might be a bit too obscure now!

I used their hosted platform about 8 years ago and It went down many times. I just checked it today and to my surprise, my data is still there. Very glad to find it.

I’ve used Monica HQ a lot. I am building a similar tool but With AI (tm) https://meetemilia.com/

Currently struggling with actually giving it the personality you see on the website, or if it should be more of a tool. I hate the idea of humans having AI friends, partners, relationships, etc…

Anyway, the “personal CRM” space is filled with sales focused tools. They all connect to LinkedIn. What I like about Monica HQ is that it doesn’t follow this model. You can use it and get reminders and in general read about your family and friends so you don’t forget their names and life story next time you meet them. I suck at remembering these things, so to me it’s useful.

I tried to use it with the aim of remembering more about my friends' lives and things they've told me but it felt a bit... weird. I ended up making more of an effort to do it with grey matter alone, and it kind of worked but not really, but I felt better about it

I tried using it, but it didn't work well in my experience.

There was be a huge textarea for notes, so I'd write detailed notes after a good conversation, but it didn't auto-save, so if your browser crashed or you accidentally closed the tab, you lose everything. There would also be weird CSRF token errors, which also could cause you to lose everything you just typed.

I started writing in a markdown file and then copying over, and then I realized it's simpler to just write in markdown files and skip the app entirely, so I now just use different markdown files for each person and I add a date heading when I want to add a new entry.

The design of Monica also never quite matched my thinking. There were all these features designed to capture the relationship graph of how you knew everyone and what all their friends and pets' names are and how they met and what their birthdays are, but for me, the thing I want to remember is like, "Oh, when I saw Joe last year, he was getting into woodworking. When I see him next week, I want to ask how that's going." I never feel like, "I bet Joe will be so impressed that I remembered how he met his friend Ned!"

If you're on a Mac, I actively maintain one called Queue (https://queue.community), and it's what I use to manage my own relationships.

Whereas Monica is very manual, Queue syncs your Apple Mail, Messages, phone calls, FaceTimes, and calendar to create a timeline of each of your relationships automatically, and reminds you to reach out when it's been a while. Message content is analyzed on device and never leaves your machine.

I charge $49/year, so quite a bit less than Dex.

There are probably lots of stories from various people, but here is one: http://blog.wilshipley.com/2010/03/ted-2010.html#:~:text=%E2...

(If the location link doesn't work, scroll down about halfway to the story next to his photo.)

Probably I used to read his blog.

> assigned conversation number

... I'm tempted to start doing this.

I'm actually more interested in how he generates and maintains conversation IDs.

If you have any info regarding his workflows, shoot me an email with title #HN0001.

I think you are off to a good start.

#title:HN00001

That line about feeling as though they had just met was devastating. Thirty-six years can contain an entire life and still feel impossibly brief once the person is gone.

Thanks for the respectful and kind comment. I cant imagine the feeling one must go through in such times. All it reminds me of is time is precious and nothing is worth fighting over. Spend your time with your love, wether its a person or a thing or idea thats ok but dont spend time away from it if you can help it.

Wish Stephen peace and for her to remain as beautiful in his mind as he's nurtured her, until his own ride arrives at the final station where they will meet once more.

I met Stephen in 2023 at some MIT AI conference. He was the kindest, most grandfatherly person. I was expecting to meet a relatively pontifical person given some of his work, but he was such the opposite that I was completely taken aback. I spent two hours that evening with him and a small group of people talking about language and maths and so on. (He was very kind to let me take a photo: https://postimg.cc/LYmVCs0G)

That conversation had a tremendous impact on me and completely changed my attitude towards meeting new people.

I am heartbroken for him and his family. And I can see that kind / heartfelt / grandfatherly nature throughout this memoriam.

And please, God, let me die with my wife like John Nash did in that NJ Turnpike taxi crash.

> And please, God, let me die with my wife like John Nash did in that NJ Turnpike taxi crash.

amen brother.

I will be honest with you, this is my worst nightmare- to die after my wife. Life will be here without her, but it will be without her light.

An aged uncle of mine (who loved his wife very much) once said, "I hope she goes before me. I'd never want her to face the pain of my leaving". Such love.

But think what your wife would have to go through if you passed earlier. It is that thought that makes me want to out last my wife, but in a state where I am useful in some way.

> And please, God, let me die with my wife like John Nash did in that > NJ Turnpike taxi crash.

I feel you. My worst fear in life is surviving my wife of so far 20 years. I hope that we both reach 80 years old and sit next to each other in rocking chairs and let the days pass by.

This is a moving tribute. Stephen Wolfram's writing often has certain faults, which I mention only to be able to say that he has here transcended them; this is a genuine and heartfelt piece of writing which makes me feel sad for his loss.

Yes, it's a very well written, touching tribute and I think it's all the more touching when you're familiar enough with Wolfram's writings to notice the contrast here.

It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever read in my entire life. The reader departs both fallen in love with Elise and tragically heartbroken. Excuse me while I go cry some more in the laundry room, collect myself and annoy my wife with a huge hug.

Vale Elise.

He is not trying to impress the reader so much as preserve as much of her as he can while the memories are still vivid

This was really moving and sincere. It made me think of my dad's catastrophic stroke while recovering from brain surgery. I wish that, like Wolfram's wife, he had died instantly on the operating table instead of enduring six years of agony for himself and everyone else.

That’s tough. Sorry that you all had to go through that.

I’ve been a light reader of Stephen Wolfram’s work over the years. I am grateful he’s taken the time to write this tribute. May she rest in peace and condolences to Stephen.

How I considered Stephen coming in to this:

1) he is wonderfully generous with his ideas and knowledge, especially towards the young. I think this is an extremely good quality.

2) he attracts envy from many people, partly because of his successes, but also because of his manner. I feel his manner is often totally unintentional to cause upset, but also I think he’s so unashamedly himself and how he wants to be that it is sometimes verging on rude, which people hold against him (mostly unfairly, sometimes fairly)

3) given his commitment to work I always wondered about how he balanced his personal life amongst all that

What I found very interesting about this letter was how his personal relationship seems to have been in keeping with the man we see on the outside:

1) the first thing in the lists on his wife, as well as what he spends significant time on in the letter, are her intellectual capabilities. He is a man of intellect through and through, and it shows in how he writes of his wife.

2) he mentions how he has failed to collaborate with her for their entire marriage because of their strong wills. It strikes me as somewhat sad that there’s this failure to connect somehow. It might be that a prioritisation of the intellect in life holds us back from virtues.

3) there were moments where he talks about how she was intuitively right and how he had to work things out by taking “the long way”. I just get the feeling that a lot of their relationship was somehow like this - where something obvious to the normal intuition is something to be worked out by the intellect.

4) I think there might be an element of regret in this letter. A regret that perhaps a connection could have been different had one chosen to indulge one’s intellect less. I feel like this moment perhaps made Stephen’s mind pause for a moment on that - an all too human pause.

It's a profound thing to lose someone that intertwined in your life. I should know.

I'm sorry to hear that. My deepest sympathies.

Sorry about such a profound loss.

Maybe you can find some meaning in the fact that it did not happen the otherway around.

I am sorry for your loss, friend. Be well.

> But from that moment on we talked essentially every day for 36 years

Man. Our culture is speed running away from one of the greatest joys you can have in your life (a healthy relationship). Stephen, if you can see this, thank you for opening up. Wishing you comfort and peace.

I once asked a 93 year old, what the best experience of his life was. He said being married to his wife until she died.

I've never forgotten that.

A very beautiful tribute to her life and memory. My condolences go out to her family.

It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, but, god damn does it still hurt to move through that loss. I'm glad it was fast and painless for her and her family.

Thank you for the quote. Here is the verse in full…

In Memoriam AHH, Tennyson

  I envy not in any moods
  The captive void of noble rage,
  The linnet born within the cage,
  That never knew the summer woods:

  I envy not the beast that takes
  His license in the field of time,
  Unfetter'd by the sense of crime,
  To whom a conscience never wakes;

  Nor, what may count itself as blest,
  The heart that never plighted troth
  But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;
  Nor any want-begotten rest.

  I hold it true, whate'er befall;
  I feel it when I sorrow most;
  Tis better to have loved and lost
  Than never to have loved at all.

I keep coming back to In Memoriam AHH way more often than I would expect; it’s really a great piece of poetry.

tennyson had another immortal line that I reach for in times like this: "But oh for the touch of a vanished hand, and the sound of a voice that is still"

https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/45318/break-break-bre...

What a beautiful tribute.

I'm making this about me, so feel free to skip past this.

I've been married for 26 years, which means I'd only have 10 more years with my wife, which would take us almost into retirement. That's not near enough. We're meant to have at least another 25-30 to take us deep into our 70s, becoming grandparents and seeing out that whole stage of life.

No guarantees in life, obviously, but there's no way to plan a backup "life partner". Half of the two people with that specific shared life experience is gone, it's an unfillable hole.

My grandpa had 74 years with grandma until she passed away early this year and even at 99 the feeling of loss is all the same.

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard" - Winnie the Pooh

Such a beautiful tribute. You get such a sense of his urgency at really wanting as many as possible to understand how precious and wonderful this woman was to him.

Stephen, we haven't met, but this was a beautiful, heartbreaking tribute. Your wife was clearly an extraordinary person. My deepest condolences to you and your family.

Should everyone have someone who loves them so much to remember them like this.

I am so sorry for your loss. This is a beautiful and touching tribute and she was lucky to have such a loving husband.

That's neat that she designed their house. When I've seen photos of Wolfram in his house I've always thought it looked an awesome high-class place.

This is a lovely and heartfelt tribute. Thanks for sharing this.

A beautiful read, that is both happy and sad. Sad because the days of their conversations have past. Happy because the memories of their conversations will live on. But since her passing is so sudden, more sad than happy, there are so many things she didn't get to finish.

I couldn’t help but feel a bit emotional reading this. Elise was clearly an incredible human. Thank you Stephen for sharing her story and your love for her. I cannot imagine a better way to have spent those 36 years. Rest in peace Elise.

You can feel his love for her. Heartbreaking.

damn. I am so sorry to hear his wife passed, my heart goes out to him and his family. What a thoughtful tribute.

I have always been a big fan of Stephen Wolfram, I had no idea his wife was such a great mathematician.

As everybody privileged-to-know knows, a long term partner becomes an equal, and you theirs. One of life's greatest blessings. There is nothing like it.

Beautiful and warmth-filled tribute to Elise . Gorgeous piece of writing reflecting his sense of joy, love and loss. A life well lived.

"She also asserted that physics differs from math mainly in its introduction of the concept of time. "

intuitively I think thats just a really cool insight, though formally I suck both at math and physics so can't really tell.

Its a very good read, such an interesting person she was, I'm sorry for his loss.

Wonderful tribute.

I found this touching. As someone who has tried to read a new kind of science, but struggled with the arrogant style, the love and respect this shows he had for his wife came as a welcome surprise. It has raised my opinion of Stephen Wolfram as a person considerably. Elise sounds amazing. He and his family have my sympathy.

Beautiful tribute. Perhaps a reminder to self to write my own version prior to our passing. Such misfortune to be taken so young.

I have no words, but this tribute is beautiful. I can’t imagine losing someone like that after so many years. Heartbreaking

It sounds like the author had an amazing partner and I'm sorry for his loss.

Beautifully written. My condolences and wish you all the best!

I am 56. I have been married for almost 21 years. I will not be reading this link, but I am glad it exists.

Midlife brings many things, some good and some bad and some just part of life. One of these is the more visceral, serious understanding -- replacing the mere intellectual knowledge you had before -- that the ride you're on will end.

You will, in your middle years, have friends whose own rides were far shorter than any of you imagined.

You will see people's partners die, and the emotional wreckage that leaves behind. My friend D. is, right now, navigating his first summer alone after losing his wife of nearly 40 years last spring (fuck cancer).

You will realize it could be you, on either side of the sod.

May Elise's memory be a blessing. But I'm gonna go hug my wife now instead of reading Stephen's piece.

Sounds like Elise Cawley had a great life. Stephen Wolfram has an incredible mind and this post is a great example.

Sorry for his loss, and for everybody helped by her in any way. However ineffective a comment like this is

The mathematical biography is fascinating, but it is the tiny domestic details that stay with you...

I've been reading Wolfram quite a bit lately. I'm sad for him and the family, my condolences.

Beautiful tribute. May we all be seen so clearly with whatever time we have on this plane.

A beloved wife and mother and a brilliant partner as well. My condolences to the family.

What a tribute, what a way of writing, honestly i just felt i was living it

I am not crying. You're crying. Oh, man. Rest in peace, Elise and I'm so sorry for your loss, Stephen.

she was loved, she was seen, she was valued.

I am so sorry for your loss Mr. Wolfram.

My Condolences!

Well shit.

Also, certificate error, but that's forgiveable in the circumstances.

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