What is a real programming language?

The only real programming language is punching cards and praying. Everything else is safety net for the weaklings.

Real programming language is anything with which you could convince, beg, scare, extort, and abuse a computer system to do what you want it to do - you will be surprised how much more well behaved some dev kits and prototyping boards are when you have 2kg hammer in the room.

And there are the real real programming languages that make your chest hair and beard grow to a point where Stallman comes to you, taps you on the shoulder and says - "Dude you need to learn a few thing about grooming". They are usually assembly languages.