Habits of Happy Couples | Hacker News Reader

Habits of Happy Couples

markgoulston.com

25 pointsmelvinram20 comments

I would love to see a statistical/evidence-based version of this same article.

That would be interesting.

It wouldn't be on an obscure blog, that's for sure. Front page, New York Times, tomorrow. It would be close to the #1 piece of information that people want to know.

There is good-quality information on this kind of thing. I like the work of Dr John Gottman. From this interview, you can see his intelligence and honest approach (e.g. changing his mind about the usefulness of teaching active listening): http://www.psychotherapy.net/interview/John_Gottman

Not exactly tech related but even in our quest to change the world, we need to keep things happy at home... so I thought this is a good read.

Thanks for sharing

Sometimes it is good to be reminded that we still have a life outside those tech, startup, other activities hackers do related activities.

An article I would like to find : How to understand and support your other half during his quest to change the world ?

I'm pretty sure it would focus making sure he stops working so he can relax and be more productive.

Yes, I thought so too. I do find it essential to have your other half being supportive. If your other half is always fighting with you, you'll have a harder time concentrating on your startup.

If you need to read and act on a list like this, I suspect you're not in a happy relationship.

If you don't need to read and act on a list like this I suspect you're probably not being honest with yourself.

Seriously? My gf of 6 years and I do all of those things. Instinctively I guess.

Let us know if it's still instinctive after 15 years.

I'm not saying every relationship becomes routine/boring/sour/whatever, but often the sorts of things listed in the article slowly disappear from a relationship because of outside stresses. And those little things are important...

EDIT: That first line seems really bitter, and it's not meant to be. I've been married for 12 years, and we've together for nearly 20. My wife and I still enjoy each other, but there are times that those stresses (work, school, kids, life) make you forget about those little things. If you can keep the "good nights" and "have a good days" going through the worst of times, you're in good shape.

Currently at 12 years here and all still instinctive.

My partner and I have been together 8 years and do the majority of these things. However, I think after a while some are done out of habit, rather than an actual desire to keep things sweet.

It doesn't hurt to be reminded that each other's happiness is important, even if you think your relationship is as good as it can be. :)

Yup - As an example I sometimes find myself so absorbed in resolving an issue (coding, architechture) I stay up into the small hours of the morning, way after my wife has gone to bed.

Agreed, I've been happily married 16 years + 4 kids and pretty much automatically do these things.

I think this is a good topic for HN (maintaining relationships is an important skill). But this article, lacking evidence and rigor, is not HN-quality. From what I've read on the topic, conflict resolution is a factor of happy relationships that is so important as to render most of the suggestions in this article (e.g. hand-holding) nearly irrelevant.

Instead, I recommend this article on conflict resolution and interaction antipatterns based on the research of Dr John Gottman: http://www.helpstartshere.org/Default.aspx?PageID=1113

I also like the concepts of Non-Violent Communication (though the book's tone is somewhat leaden in parts).

There is certainly a place for improving relationships beyond conflict resolution, but its relative importance should be emphasized. By merely mentioning an aspect of conflict resolution in point 4 in this 10-point list, the article sends the wrong message.

That's the second time in a week that I thought I'd landed on the 'cosmo' homepage by accident ;)

  Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the “good touch,” *which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world*.

Does that make any sense to you? Oh my frontal cortex! It burns.

I am not a big fan of the article, though I can understand others may enjoy it. I don't like especially off topic posts on HN though.

Just my 2 cents. I won't flag it, but I am surprised it was voted to the front page.

I think it's hard to argue that this is off topic if it was voted to the front page.

I like HN because of the wide variety of interesting things here. Yes, most of that is tech/entrepreneurship related, but things like this are interesting as well.

I wouldn't want 10 articles like this on the front page, but for most of us who are married/in a relationship, this serves as a useful reminder.

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