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We have to normalize being on silent all the time and making people wait hours for a response. Return to the primordial monkey of 1800s-era high-latency comms.

At first, some people will be offended. "Why didn't you let me ping and buzz you and interrupt you all day? You didn't respond immediately each time :'((". Some people with unrealistic expectations may even stop talking to you entirely.

But eventually (years maybe) they will get overwhelmed too. No one can handle this madness indefinitely. I've seen giga-texters get broken down and turn into lazy texters like me, or at least learn to tolerate my long response intervals and recognize it as a coping mechanism rather than rudeness.

I've told people this for years. The mode of communication reflects the urgency. If you text me, expect a response on the order of 3+ days. If you call, and I recognize the number, it will be more urgent. If I DON'T recognize it, it goes to voicemail and back in the 3+ days queue. If you show up at my door, it is immediate. Even with my wife, she will text while I'm at the grocery to pick up some extra food items, and it doesn't necessarily come through or I'm on silent. I'll get home, and she'll ask where the food is, and I ask why she didn't call if it was timely. I just do NOT check my texts that often, it isn't because I'm deliberately ignoring anyone.

The current trend seems to be switching the priority order of calls and texts among many of us. I feel like a call should be scheduled, preferably 3+ days out, and preferably with an agenda attached. (Same rules I feel about any sort of meeting.) But a direct text (non-group chat, just to me) is a priority. Group chats get that 1-2 days middle ground.

I know that's the trend, but it is backwards to me. Like UDP vs TCP. If you need an immediate answer for something, why send a one-way communication where you have no idea whether the person on the other end A) received it, and B) acted on it. A 15 second phone call accomplishes this, whereas if I text you it could be hours, unless you immediately respond.

Most text message apps have real time read receipts for A and "actively writing" indicators that imply some of B. (The things that we invented for "instant messaging" decades ago are finally mostly back in vogue in text messaging.) Text messages have "reactions" like Thumbs Up that very quickly say "I will action this shortly." For me that's more TCP, the classic ACK receipt then action.

A 15 second phone call probably goes straight to my voicemail and there's no read receipts if I have read the voicemail transcription yet, much less tried to listen to it. It might be hours until I'm in a quiet enough space to try to listen to it, because I don't carry headphones with me most of the time, don't listen to speakerphone in public, and the "phone speaker" on an iPhone is generally hard to hear for me, no matter how I awkwardly position the phone. The transcriptions are usually not good enough to action directly so I do usually need to do that dance of find a way to listen to it. Calls to me are a UDP hole with fewer acknowledgements and a lot of inconvenience.

Unless you've prescheduled a call with me, in which case maybe I do answer and maybe it is quick enough to be a 15 second phone call. But the easiest way to schedule that call with me is going to be to text me "Hey can I call in an hour about X?" and I'll ACK it soon after, and probably then likely spend 45 minutes looking for a quiet place to take a private phone call.

But, yeah, different perspectives for different sorts of people. Phone calls are taxing to me and the real world is a loud place and I don't carry headphones and I like to control the environment in which I try to answer a phone call, but also I find finding such quiet environments stressful enough to want to schedule them ahead of time.

Wouldn't it depend upon context?

If it is an emergency, it is a voice call. It is both immediate and conveys urgency. If it is something that you need to talk through, it is a scheduled voice call. Asynchronous communications may demonstrate respect for a person's time since it does not (need to) interrupt them in the moment, but the inefficiency results in a disrespectful waste of time for bidirectional conversations.

If it is something where you need a simple response by the end of the day, it is a text. If it requires a lengthy response, email. Never expect a lengthy response by the end of the day, or for it to be handled on devices with terrible input methods (like phones).

Anything that isn't covered by those scenarios will be largely dependent on the person.

If it's an emergency I want it in text first because I read faster than I listen to voicemails, and can do so in more spaces/contexts/environments (say, at a loud concert or eating in a restaurant), and I trust a person to write the message better than the voicemail system will transcribe a call. Certain emergency keywords sent in a text will especially alert me faster than a call would. (I have call notifications as practically turned off as possible in current operating systems [way too much phone call spam], but a measured set of notification levels for text notifications.)

I think even for emergency situations the relationship between voice calls and text messages is flipping. Text messages are immediate and can convey urgency. Phone calls are for private, quiet spaces, which take time to find (or schedule). With the death of the private phone booths in public spaces, phone calls are inconvenient to take almost everywhere now outside of one's home, but urgent text messages can be read and even acted upon just about anywhere.

Why are we talking about voicemails in the context of emergencies? If it was an emergency, I'm calling every number I have for someone until they pickup or enough time has passed that I write them off as a flake and find the next person on the list who might be able to help with whatever it is.

I think that's what I'm complaining about, too, but again from a just slightly different perspective. In an emergency I also don't want to take time to "call every number I have for someone". I don't want to worry about safe calling hours or people that prescreen every call/make every call go to voicemail (including myself). I'd much prefer to send a much faster, single text message and they either get it or they don't, and often there's a quick read receipt if they do get it.

Phone calls have so much ceremony and ritual and take so much time to play phone tag, and every single part of that, especially the phone tag, has gotten so much worse because of spammers. Phone calls just don't feel reliable anymore. It's easier to assume you are more likely to hit someone's voicemail than reach them many hours of the day. It's easier to assume people don't even check their voicemail in some cases, because they expect a text message if it was important.

I think we have different definitions of "emergency" if a text message that they may or may not see any time soon is an acceptable solution.

If it is an actual emergency, I need to know that they have received the communication in real time. I'm never leaving someone a voicemail in an emergency situation.

I think it is possibly more we have a different sense of "received the communication and feedback to the communication in real time" and the kinds of feedback we get from the medium. Text messages give immediate feedback quicker when they are received. Especially iMessage and/or RCS you have read receipts and "quick reactions" and "someone is typing bubbles" to text messages for very immediate feedback. If you have enough people in your life that never answer phone calls, the phone is a much slower way to get in touch with someone and it is missing all sorts of useful quick feedback (did it go to voicemail because they are in a bathroom or a loud concert or did it go to voicemail because they are screening calls after 30 spam calls a day got to be too much for them? did they hear the voicemail or hopefully see a transcript of it? are they going to call back or are they going to not see it for another three days or do they not pay attention to voicemail at all and just expect a text?), most of which additional messaging gets moved to text channels today among many of my friends. ("Can I call you in like twenty minutes?" is a somewhat common text message to and from some of my friends who always text before a call.) In a real emergency you should text me to try to call me before you call me if you want the likeliest results that I will pick up any phone call, but most of the time it is probably just faster to include a headline in the text itself and save us both the time and emotional roller coaster of also making a call.

In an emergency, I can often text 15-20 people in the time it takes to try to get a phone call through to a single person. (Especially with the multiplying effects of copy and paste and group chats.) I'm still probably going to follow up with a bunch of people by phone calls after the texts go out, but most of that will be by request ("can you call me when you get a chance?" texts) for details or shared emotion bonding after the key points are already distributed (and possibly some emergency conditions better).

That's funny, I take the exact opposite approach. I prioritize interactions based on how much commitment I expect they'll require, with lesser commitment getting more priority. So a text message I'll usually answer right away. An email or some written reply that requires some redaction I'll postpone to when I can take the time for a thoughtful response. A ring on my buzzer, if I'm not expecting anything or anyone, I'll always ignore; I can't let any dumbass passing by the front of my building rope me into a pointless conversation.

Phone calls don't fit neatly into this scheme because they demand a lot of attention, but it's easy to get out of one if you realize it's not something critical. I generally pick up and the moment I get the slightest whiff of spam, I just hang up.

I am notoriously "bad" at texting. My phone's on silent almost 95% of the time, I don't even have a smartphone so the only way to get to me wirelessly is to call or text. I got really into sending mail last year, specifically postcards.

I have a list of ~10 people I would consider "close", immediate family and good friends, and 5 or 6 more tertiary contacts. I travel fairly frequently, so I had plenty of opportunities for sending postcards. I send cards for obscure holidays just because. The physical process of hand-writing messages is so therapeutic for me. I've probably sent ~250 postcards in the last year and a half.

I have received... 3 physical responses. It has been extremely disappointing, but I continue to send mail because I enjoy the process of writing the cards, and the knowledge that people probably appreciate the mail makes me feel good, so at least I get a little out of it myself.

My mom will occasionally text to say she liked the postcard, but has never bothered to send one back to me.

I would be delighted if more people chose to communicate slowly.

I like this. I don't know what postcard etiquette is, but when I send a postcard it's just to show that I'm thinking of someone while I'm traveling. If the recipient doesn't travel or finds other ways to express that they're thinking or me while traveling (souvenir, etc) I'd consider that social contract fulfilled.

I haven’t sent a postcard in years but I always thought it was a signal that I am having a great time but also you are important enough to me that I want to include you in the only way I can. I certainly never expected a direct response but hoped I might receive a postcard from that friend at some unexpected future time.

As an aside to this I mute ALL notifications on my phone. I still get notifications of course, but they never ping or vibrate.

For important threads like calls or messages from important people/group chats, I have my watch vibrate.

Otherwise, I just go through my notifications once I have downtime.

I really like that system! How do you configure that only notifications from certain parties end up on the watch? As far as I can tell I can only filter on application. On iOS I can add “favourites” which get prio for calls and messages in Messages/Mail but not in other apps.

Yeah that's the iffy part tbh. I have a oneplus phone and watch and it is per-app on the watch. So in the app I have to configure which lines of comms are important (so like Signal is how my wife and I communicate so I get watch notifications for that, and I mute other group chats). And because my WhatsApp is pretty noisy, even with muted chats, I just opt not to get notifications on my watch, which has the consequence of me not being able to get WhatsApp call notifications, which honestly isn't the worst thing in the world :)

It's not perfect, but it works for me.

Agree. I mute every group chat and notifications for almost everything. Same reasoning. My wife just talks to me when something reaches a point of me needing to know. Broader holiday planning or group travel planning chatter, it seems like any family gathering requires a minimum of 1000 messages.

My SO does the same and it saves my butt sometimes, but I don't like it. It feels like I'm not really solving the issue and just making it her problem instead of mine, but she has a less strong response to the interruptions.

She's certainly better at it though. I can't manage the interruptions, nor am I good about remembering to create calendar events and what not when events come up.

I set my phone in do not disturb mode permanently. Only phone calls make it through. When I'm at home, only phone calls from important people make it through.

It improved my life. Not by a huge amount, but enough to be worth it. People learned my responses might take a while. Most people don't care. Those that do.. tough shit