Yeah I think I've finally had enough. I need to start seriously advocating for alternatives since this is starting to impact our business. It's clearly not getting any better.
If you want a similar but different experience use GitLab.
If you want something more akin to the kernel experience (i.e. hosting, flexible repository structure, user auth via ssh keys, and a simple web UI) use gitolite with cgit, or alternatively gitweb.
I mean, technically it's a code review platform, not a complete toolbox like Gitlab and co, but damn if it isn't the most professional feeling experience.
Same for Forgejo.
Edit: Actually there's Gitea Actions and Forgejo Actions, that might be enough for my use case.
I don't like that the idle CPU load is high (for really inane reasons) but it performs perfectly well.