Seriously tho, If you want to get started doing some fun things, you could try processing (http://processing.org/learning/) Its really easy to get started, and I would say its similar to java, it might be easy to get started because you can visually see what you are doing and there are lots of examples, it also works with ardrino boards so you can easily start playing with hardware.

If you want to learn Ruby, there are lots of web resources around, this ruby on rails web development resource was recommended to me by a friend, but I have not yet had the chance to try it yet (http://ruby.railstutorial.org/ruby-on-rails-tutorial-book).

If you want to learn Java I would just search on amazon for a beginner java book, I learned it in university so this is the only way I know. I would not really recommend c++ for a beginner / hobby enthusiast.

If you are more serious about learning programming for a profession, you could start with some edX or other online university coarse (https://www.edx.org/courses/MITx/6.00x/2012_Fall/about)