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But the above criteria are mostly subjective, so objectivity largely doesn’t apply.

"comes close" in itself is a very relative concept. So how can you claim my statements are "objectively wrong"?. Depends on how close "close" is, right.

If you can provide me an example of a laptop that beats one of those categories, it's objectively wrong. In all other cases, nope.

In reviews, I'd say the closest one can get is either Asus Zephyrus ROG G14 or Asus ProArt PX13, on top of the mentioned HP ZBook.

As I like my laptops not cutting into my palms when typing and being lighter, I am sticking with Thinkpad X1 Carbon for now and enjoying the fact they are less than 1kg as well (also, they run actual Linux well :)).

The HP ZBook G1a comes close in computing power, screen, sound and trackpad quality - but not at all in battery life: about 7 hours. It's also pretty overpriced, but discounts are common.