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Comment by jacquesm | Hacker News Reader

If you're worried about your spouses career 'coming between you' then I think you have other issues.

To single out 'career women' as the ones to avoid is simply stupid, some of the best marriages I've seen are the ones between two career people.

If your spouse leaves you for someone else they met 'on the job' that's only because your relationship has been found wanting, if you think tying someone to the couch is going to make them stay you're simply wrong.

Statistically the chance of them staying may be larger, but that's a shitty way of saying 'if there is no competition I can win'. Better get your act together then.

And beware of that neighbor...

Women have been on the receiving end of their men 'trading up' for years, the equality game has its downsides, but this isn't one of them. Keep in shape, keep your woman happy and I doubt you've got much to worry about, career or not.

If you're a slob, that's a different thing of course.

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With two career-focused people in a relationship, there must be compromises. In particular, the best job opportunities for different economic sectors are usually in different locations in the world, directly leading to conflict about where the couple is going to live.

Unfortunately, the "most equalizing" compromise is going to involve the person with the best career prospects at the margin[1] to discard them, as they can get "reasonably good" prospects by moving to where the other half has best prospects.

If you're the one with the better career prospects at the margin, and you invest much of your personality in being the best at what you do, that's going to be a problem: because you simply won't be able to become that while in that relationship.

You're gonna have to choose.

1) By "at the margin", I mean at the step levels, such as promotions, new job offers, new opportunities: simple measurable things that indicate propensity for advancement.

That's me right now. I am where I am as it is where my girlfriend needs to be to do her studies, but it is not the best place for me career wise. I can still earn a reasonable salary with a reasonable company, but I am only here as she can go nowhere else without losing alot.

Still, I do not seem to be too saddened by this so I guess I do not 'invest much of my personality' in my career.

If you move where you need to live first, and then meet a girl second -- like many people do -- that might avoid the "want to live in different places" problem.

it might, but the reality is that plenty of people end up 'chasing the buck' at least once or twice in their lives.

So you might get a head start that way but eventually you'll be looking at making compromises.

Right. People, and their careers, change.

I would think tying your spouse to the couch would be more likely to result in divorce/open hostility. If your spouse wanted to be at home with the kids, you wouldn't need to tie them to the couch.

Being a stay at home mom is one of the most miserable jobs if you're not cut out for it. People understand a bad day at the office, but they seem to think staying at home with a kid means it's like a vacation day all the time. You can't vent to anyone without them reminding you that you should be grateful to your husband.

My husband doesn't see a problem with it, so couples counseling is off the table. Honestly, he doesn't have to worry about another guy - I don't want someone who is going to make more demands on time I just don't have. But If I were him, I'd start worrying that being alone seems like it would be less stressful than staying with him.

In all sincerity, I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband. You just joined this community, and you're telling strangers that you're considering divorce. I see that as a sign of real unhappiness.

Being a stay at home mom is a full time job and a very demanding one at that.

As for the rest of your posting, all I can say is wow, you two should talk. Now.

Whether he sees a problem with it or not it not really relevant, the fact is you are clearly not happy which means he has a problem.

Can you get your husband to take a couple of days off from work and watch the kids himself, while you are out of the house? This will educate him better than any words you could ever say.

You might look around for more sympathetic listeners, too. Staying home with kids is hard work. There are SAHM support groups out there, perhaps you can find one in your area.

This seems to be an emotive issue, but I'd want to point out that you haven't refuted the article at all.

The article references several studies that show, statistically speaking, that two-career marriages are harder than "traditional(?)" marriages. Responding with anecdotal evidence and feelings doesn't invalidate the original argument.

It's easy to accepts studies when they confirm our own world-views. Disregarding studies that go against personal philosophy (based on gut-feel) is just confirmation bias.

Why not go with it? Studies show two-career marriages are harder. So if you both are working just factor in that you may have to work just a little bit harder on your relationship - which is not such a bad thing anyway.

It depends. I think at least one parent should stay home to raise the kids (or at least take a half-day job).

I doubt that the current setup is a recipe for happiness:

- people putting of (or not getting) children because of careers

- people basically paying other people to raise their children.

- people working overtime to buy a more expensive car

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