How do you know what to say?, usually I can start the conversation but I don’t know where to take it after. How are you able to shift to the next stage when you have both agreed that the weather today is nice.
How do you get over the feeling that you are wasting their time?
Finally, how do you end the conversation when you're still going in the same direction or waiting at the same place?
>How do you get over the feeling that you are wasting their time? First, hold up a mirror: do you feel your time is wasted when someone talks to you? Second, everyone benefits from bonds and talking enables trust. Even if the relationship is temporary, it brings comfort. Think of two people at an airport going out on different planes. Even a short conversation with someone makes them trust enough to let the other watch their heavy luggage while they go to the bathroom.
>Finally, how do you end the conversation when you're still going in the same direction or waiting at the same place? Yeah, this is always a little awkward. You can just say something like “It’s been nice talking to you. I’m going to go back to reading my book.” Sometimes I’ll make a polite fib like saying I’ve got to think about an important presentation or have some pressing emails that I need to read.
You don't know what to say. That's fine.
You might be wasting their time. That's fine.
You might not know how to end the conversation. That's fine.
It's ok to be awkward. It's ok to be honest. It's ok to bother people as long as you take their feedback appropriately. It's ok to walk away without saying anything.
The more often that you talk to people and actively reflect on the REAL outcomes of it, the sooner you'll realize those concerns aren't shared by most other people.
Well if I don't know what to say, I either don't start a conversation or I can use some opener like "How are you?" and then end the conversation (because I don't know what to say). But then what is the point?
:)
That gives them a chance to take a break and think. If they say three, you put yourself in their shoes. "Hey, that sucks. what's going on?" just lending a warm comforting subtle "I'm around right now if you want to talk"
If they give you a higher number, inquire why. "Wow, a 7? That's great. How come?" Both results in giving them option to speak. You compliment in both situations, a win win. If they return with a single closing statement acknowledge it and move on, "all the best".
If you need to end, a simple of "hey, it was great talking. I've got my coffee it was a pleasure talking to you while I waited, I've got to take off but it was a pleasure to talk".
You cater it to the situation you're in. If they want to talk then they will, if they don't then they won't.
Note, rather, how friends converse and how little scripting is involved. When two good friends meet they don’t say their profession, or academic rank, or ask interrogatory questions. They exchange enthusiasm for each others presence and the conversation tends towards exchanges of perspective/experience and reflection thereof. Statement, vibes, counter-statement(?), more vibes.
That kind of familiar, friendly, approach to conversation is always available and short circuits the scripts. It efficiently probes for people who want to talk and what they want to talk about. It also tends to involve a lot of dumb-yet-charming assertions about the current situation, which takes awareness not planning. A ‘sense’ of humour, not a tight 5 locked and loaded. “Fuck, now that’s a lineup…” isn’t a refined piece of social engineering, but it’s a serviceable conversation starter and the least important part if you’re still talking three hours later.
If they are open to small talk, they will drop some tidbits that you can spring off on. Conversation is a two way street. If they don't seem interested in keeping the conversation going, tell them to have a nice day and carry on with yours.
So if you don't know what to say, the basic answer is to keep practicing. Your subconscious will eventually figure it out. (Edit: by practice I mean live practice with real people in the world - not on your own in your own head)
As for myself, here's the place I came to: I be myself and I say what I want to say, and for social calibration I rely on my subconscious.
I also let go of trying to control the outcome. The questions you're asking rest atop of wanting the social encounter to go a certain way - you want it to be "successful". Let go of that expectation and just let it organically be whatever it is - that is, take your hands off the driving wheel a bit.
The final bit is a confidence thing - feeling good about yourself, feeling that you have value (your bit about wasting other people's time hints that you somehow feel low on yourself). For that it's the Mike Tyson quote - "success begets confidence and confidence begets success". For me there was a feedback loop where the practice started to feed into social success - people enjoying my company, successful dates with women, and so on.
That final part's a very important ingredient as your subconscious needs the markers of success to latch onto as positive feedback signals on "what works". So basically you have to keep pushing and practicing until you reach the point where you get dividends. As for how long it takes to get there, it varies by individual - some are quick learners, some are slow, some have less handicaps, some have more.
But in principle I believe that most people can learn to be charming and good company.