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Comment by Salgat | Hacker News Reader

This only works if I ban my child from having any friends since they all have unlimited mobile access to the internet.

Sorry, I know it's a hard line for parents to tread and it's really easy to criticize parenting decisions other people are making, but the "everyone else is doing it so I have to" always seems as lazy to me today, as it probably did to my parents when I said it to them as a teenager.

Is it more important to prevent your son from being weaponized and turned into a little ball of hate and anger, and your daughter from spending her teen years depressed and encouraged to develop eating disorders, or to make sure they can binge the same influencers as their "friends"?

The number of times I objected to my parents rules because my friends didn’t have those rules and the response was: “I’m not their parent.”

Is it more important to prevent your child from <...>, or to not be seen as an adversarial monster?

presumably being a parent is different from being a your child’s friend. There is overlap, but yes, sometimes being a good parent requires “laying down the law”.

With that being said, i think explaining _in detail_ why you’re laying down certain rules can go a LONG way toward building some trust and productive dialogue with your child. Maybe you’ll find out they are more mature than you give them credit, can loosen up a bit. Or maybe a reasonable compromise can be found. Or maybe they’ll be bitter for a few months, but they’ll at least understand “why”.

We used to teach kids to be themselves and stand up for what they believe in and their own authenticity and uniqueness even in the face of bullying. That having less or other doesn’t mean your value is lesser or that you should be left out. Now we teach them… conform at all costs so you never have to risk being bullied or lonely?

> Now we teach them… conform at all costs so you never have to risk being bullied or lonely?

Literally every kid/teen-targeted movie has championed or contradicted this for decades. Yes even “back in the day.” Hell what is the end of Grease? Sandy changes who she is to conform with the greasers and everyone cheers including her man who allegedly liked her as she was before? I don’t even get what they’re saying at the end.

Conform, be an individual, the message is always shifting and always has. You’re a jock, you’re a nerd. Jocks beat up nerds and get the girls. Oh wait in this movie the nerds actually win and are rewarded for being themselves though.

There wasn’t some special time where you were taught the right lesson that everyone now is missing out on, and there were plenty of lessons passed on to you that we have thankfully eradicated I imagine. Growing up is complicated. Social dynamics are complicated. The way they are portrayed is also complicated. We’re all having to adapt and try our best here, no one has the exact answer

Getting the girl as a reward is more about misogyny than a the bullying lesson. I haven’t seen grease so I can’t talk about that but I really can’t think of any media examples of where the geeks become jocks and that’s seen as morally correct, which would be the actual antithesis to the lesson above. Also I meant that parents taught that, not adult media… which is for adults

Not talking about getting the girl - the two had already fallen in love at the start as they were. That’s what’s so weird.

My point is all of this stuff is inconsistent regardless of target audience or decade.

Could your child not just call or text their friends? Or is the real expectation to not have to intervene at all about their preferred platform?

I think the idea is for the child see their friends in person... not call, text, or internet.

So even if their own child has no phone at all, they have access to the internet through other children's unlimited mobile access.

When I was growing up, we loved to lend the sheltered kids from the more conservative families media they weren’t supposed to have, like the Harry Potter books.

Only if all the other kids are not on social media. When I was in school, birthday parties and such were organised on facebook. If you were not on facebook, you weren't invited.

If everyone was banned from facebook we would have organised them via text messages or email. That's the main point of social media age restrictions, individually banning kids is too punishing on those kids so parents and teachers don't try. Doing it across the whole population is much better.

I'm saying they'll use their friend's devices.

Yes if they do bad things like drunk, have sex and do drugs.

I would start with banning cellphones.

My greatest fear for my future young adult children is that they're on their cell phone all day and never have time to get in trouble with their friends, so there's that. Yes, Let's start with banning the cell phones.

this is the biggest problem, so many parents are head-in-the-sand when it comes to things that can damage a child’s mind like screen time, yet no matter how much you protect them if it’s not a shared effort it all goes out the window, then the kid becomes incentivized to spend more time with friends just for the access, and can develop a sense that maybe mom and dad are just wrong because why aren’t so-and-so’s parents so strict?

because their parents didn’t read the research or don’t care about the opportunity cost because it can’t be that big of a deal or it would not be allowed or legal right? at least not until their kid gets into a jam or shows behavioral issues, but even then they don’t evaluate, they often just fall prey to the next monthly subscription to cancel out the effects of the first: medication

Do you believe the research shows that screens in and of themselves are so powerfully damaging that being exposed for, what, a few hours a week at a friend’s house will cause them to require psychiatric medication?

So many questions. Are you campaigning against billboards in your city? Do you avoid taking your kids to any business that has digital signage? I assume you completely abstain from all types of movies and TV? What about radio or books?

What are you, personally, doing on HN?

Fascinating.

it sounds like you already knew all of your assumptions were absurd yet you asked them anyways which ironically makes your comment the truly fascinating one

You stated that parenting goes out the window if a child encounters a screen at a friend’s house.

I dunno man, going over to friends’ houses to watch movies, play console games, later to show each other funny YouTube videos, and in high school to do computer-based writing projects, group presentations, and digital video projects are parts of my childhood I wouldn’t trade for anything. I hope my kids get those experiences with their peers.

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