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> We need to see hundreds of life-in-prison sentences by the end of 2029

Best we can do is a couple dozen golden parachutes.

Sure, give them the golden parachutes. Put a few holes in them, then make them jump.

Nope. Parachutes are too expensive to waste on these losers. Give them all backpacks. Tell them the backpacks are parachutes.

EDIT: Link to old but good joke [0] provided for context.