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Comment by kibbul4 | Hacker News Reader

Author telling on himself here

Totally!

There's this one guy that used to be a regular of tech events where I live. He was building some sort of crappy luma clone.

Anyway, one day out of nowhere he posts on LinkedIn "PSA to girls, when at a conference, we are not reading your name tag, we are looking at your breasts[1]", and then some bizarre argumentation of how if we all used his app this would stop.

He was trying to sound like an "ally". I'm not a girl and it even made me feel uncomfortable, yikes.

1: He used that exact word, mega cringe.

You wouldnt think thats cringe if you just used his app. Kind of your fault when you think about it.

Hi there – author of the post here. I included this quite intentionally.

I consider rape and sexual assault to be one of the worst things one human can do to another – just behind murder and torture. And yet society is littered with it. Ask any woman (and some men), she'll more than likely have a story. And it should be obvious: don't sexually hurt people! I _shouldn't_ need to include this in a simple list of rules for life. But sadly, I feel I do.

I've noticed advice articles, personal development books, and "self-help" podcasts aimed largely at men never seem to address this simple fact: far too many men commit or have thoughts of sexual violence. This was true hundreds of years ago and it's still true now. These men are out there, amongst us. They're "good" in every other way – they're kind to strangers, they love their mother, they're great fathers to their kids (how many of the world's great men have an "allegations" section on their Wikipedia page for goodness sake?). And yet they give in to this disgusting, horrific lust that ends up ruining someone's life (and often their own).

I purposefully included it in my list, because others don't. Because it appears to be something that more men struggle with than people realise.

I don't care if it's taboo. If my post stops just one man acting on his evil desires and harming a woman, man, or child, it was worth it as far as I'm concerned, despite the controversy I've stirred up.

Having said that, if what I wrote was clumsy, inconsiderate or implies I have similar desires – as you and theblazehen suggests – then I do apologise. I am NOT on the side of rapists.

Edit: I probably should have mentioned that my advice was meant to also cover cheating on your partner as a form of "harm", as well as sexual assault. But maybe I was too vague.

The issue is not if it's a good/bad thing. We all know that.

The issue is that is neither common nor a natural thing for men to "struggle not to rape someone" as much as you think it is. While your intentions might be good, and I do believe that, it reads like some sort of freudian slip.

Imagine if someone wrote "hey guys, let's be honest, I don't really like this thing of urinating on your food before eating, can we just agree to stop doing that :)".

You wouldn't think "oh what a sensible comment, finally someone has the balls to talk about it", no, you would just :O and think the guy is crazy ...

Fair point. I can see the Freudian slip bit for sure.

Frankly, there are far too many men who have one foot in the “rape is OK” camp. (Framed as “you have to be forceful even if she’s reluctant,” “if she’s drunk or passed out it’s still OK,” “society owes me sex,” etc.) Just look at the insane popularity of Andrew Tate. I think it’s a salient point.

Anyway, I’d reframe the advice as “be (actual) friends with women and stay the fuck away from the manosphere.”

Rape culture is real. Sexual violence is common. Serious feminist liberation has to come with the total dismantling of rape culture.

"Men who don't rape really do want to rape and just exert enormous self control over their intense desire to rape" is not the conclusion to draw from this. The fact that you seem to think that this is fairly universal to men tells us something about you that is worrying to many readers.

I can assure you that it takes me zero self control to not rape or sexually abuse women and zero self control to not cheat on my wife.

Fair criticism on the framing. I meant it as: “If you ever feel tempted to do sexual things that would betray, coerce, or exploit someone – don’t. Remove yourself, get help if needed, and never make your urges someone else’s problem.”

I absolutely don’t mean “men who don’t offend are merely restraining themselves from offending”. That framing is both inaccurate and unfair. Most men aren’t sitting on violent impulses; they simply don’t want to harm anyone.

The point I was aiming for was narrower: sexual harm, cheating, and boundary-crossing still exist at scale, and some men *do* rationalise it (including sexual assault, coercion, entitlement, misuse of status, infidelity, etc.) The point was meant as a warning to take it seriously if you have these feelings, not a description of universal male psychology.

That said, I accept the phrasing invited misreading. If I were rewriting it, I'd be more precise.

Appreciate your explainer, and agreed with you. The way it was written came off to me as "don't worry about the pain you cause others for their sake, avoid causing pain because it'll be bad for yourself"

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