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Comment by taurath | Hacker News Reader

Expectations that we hold inside of ourselves can be a really difficult echo of identities we tried fantasizing about when growing up and as an adult. We want to do well, we want the approval, we want the validation.

The anxiety over expectations can kill you. It’s self abuse - people (investors, bosses, spouses) don’t invest in you for your anxiety driven productivity, they do it because of who you are outside of that worry. It’s hard to replace it if you consider it your motor. Let the desire to do well and good stay, but let the fear of others disappointment go, and the fantasy that we can control those outcomes by squeezing every last drop out of ourselves.

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And what's interesting here (and likely in other cases) is that the expectations aren't even real. The author's investors don't even put pressure on him. Not to put too many words into the author's mouth here, but it seems like he got possessed by the "tech founder" persona. It's like he started doing things not because of his own volition but because it's the more tech foundery thing to do.

Can you separate "who you are" from that worry? Seems to me it's a part of you and you wouldn't be you without it, for better and worse.

Identities shift over time whether we intend it or not. Who you were at 5, or 10 is not who you are at 20, 30, 40. We all pick up baggage, trinkets, burdens, and experiences.

One worries because it was a helpful strategy compared to not worrying, but some (like me very specifically) can get attached to that worry to the detriment of picking up other mechanisms.

Reminds me of Internal Family Systems (IFS)

That’s more about the idea that it’s helpful to think of ourselves as made of parts, as a way to describe both our various roles in life (employee, spouse, friend, learner, etc) and also how we can interact with parts that we’ve exiled away, or hold experiences we have hangups about.

What I’m mostly talking about is that transformation happens through life’s journeys! Requires much less commitment to the idea, as it’s pretty universally understood.

It's always important to remind one's self that "who you are" is simply the story one is attached to. Things like meditation or psilocybin can help bring that to light.

Imo, the opposite is true: you'll find out who you are only when you have given up all those false identities animated by you.

The closest show/cartoon for this I can think of is Rick and Morty Season 7, Episode 10 - "Fear No Mort." In that episode, Morty gets trapped in a fear-based "hole" where he's forced to confront all his deepest anxieties and insecurities. The whole point is that he can't escape by running away or pretending to be someone he's not. He has to face his fears directly and accept his true self, flaws and all. It's only when he does and accepts himself as he actually is, that he's able to break free.

That episode really got to me. Every time the screen goes dark and transitions to Morty realizing he's still trapped in the hole, something inside me freaks out too. It's like the show is forcing me to realize I'm not actually confronting these truths in my own life. I'm probably still in the hole, aren't I?

For me the question is just, do you think it's a disorder or not. Would you take a medication for it, if there is such a thing. If yes to both, Then, it's not really you. You are just who you choose to be.

A wonderful and personally relevant thing to read.

It's hard being human. A lot of cognitive ability peaks before age 25[1], physical before 35[2], and to some extent it's an inexorable downward slope from there. Accumulated experience often makes up for it, but only to a point. You still won't be as good as the version of you that started earlier, or learned faster. People reach 40 and finally start exercising and eating properly and miraculously feel 25 again - there are always ways to fight it. But they'd have been even more effective with the same habits at 25.

Life is stressful. There is fear of failure, there is fear of disappointing others, and ultimately there is fear of death. And that final deadline doesn't even have the courtesy to let us know when it will come.

But many people get nothing much done without a deadline. Most get more done with some time pressure. I'm not sure how we would manage immortality. If we lived twice as long, would we work half as fast? One hopes that for a little while at least, we manage to be happy and content with what we have.

[1] https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4441622/

[2] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/17717011/

If what you value most is performing IQ tests, or competitive chess, then yes there is good data on the 25 part. If what you value is complexity and richness of thought, not so much.

Honestly if I exercised and ate perfectly from 20-29 I would've had a miserable 20s. Doing high-discipline stuff like that is way easier when you have a material reason (i.e. you've actually felt the consequences of not being fit or healthy) compared to when people just tell you "do it! you'll really thank yourself for it 20 years later!". Being in perfect physical condition at the cost of the psychological stress of forcing myself to do stuff I don't want to do every day does not sound worth it.

> forcing myself to do stuff I don't want to do every day

If you make it over the initial hump of developing the habit it just becomes an expected part of your day. The dislike evaporates. Skipping it feels weird.

Maybe I'm just a baby, but I actually have done routine exercise for long periods (sometimes months, sometimes years) and stopping felt AWESOME.

Fair enough. That is most definitely not normal but I believe you that it's just how it is for you. It's the same thing with any given medication - it will work for most people most of the time but not for everyone all of the time.

The trick is to tie your sense of identity to being a badass with more than enough self control.

Most people are complete dumbasses at 25. (I include myself at 25 in that assessment) So if this is peak intellectual capabilities something does not add up.

It's the lack of experience, essentially. See this chart from the study I linked: https://i.imgur.com/zhR6NC1.jpeg

Things that rely on experience peak at a much higher age, but the pure mental stuff peaks earlier.

To me that graph seems to say that the pure "subconscious" stuff or "ML similar" stuff peaks earlier, but comprehension peaks much later. So you perfect your tools in the brain at around 25, but then it takes another 20 years to really know how to use them correclty.

That’s one way to think about it. For me personally, a single evening with even driven and dedicated 25 year olds makes any claims of a downward slope like you describe laughable. At best, they’ll know one thing sort of well at that age. Most of the interesting stuff happens when you synthesize a lot more experience, and have the appreciation for time and wisdom to utilize it well. Whats the average age of startup founders, like 45? Average age of authors first books like 36-42.

Give me a break with that hustle culture.

Your last paragraph brings to mind an insult from a fictional culture where the very wealthy and powerful can live indefinitely: "<minor villain> has grown nothing. And he has planted nothing". Such a perfect summation of the attitude of a culture with lots of time

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