Now, all this is pretty bad but manageable. Shitty customer service, a shitty system, and no attempt to make amends for failing to provide a decent standard of service. But we're set up, right? Not quite. HSBC is the only bank I know that actively prevents you from using your funds by periodically just declining your card.

We're a web business. Every month we pay a bunch of money to our web hosts (the brilliant EngineYard), Google Apps, AWS, etc. WE DO THIS EVERY MONTH. THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY. And every month an Indian dude calls me in the middle of my lunch, asks me to confirm a load of security questions, and then asks me to confirm the same transactions that I confirmed with him the month before that, and the month before that and EVERY MONTH SINCE OUR JOURNEY OF PAIN WITH HSBC STARTED.

Meanwhile EngineYard are sending us polite emails saying "Please pay us, your card was declined." The upshot is that we have a bad relationship with our hosts. I'd imagine that HSBC's website is hosted internally, because I know for sure that if it was hosted externally it would GET TURNED OFF ONCE PER MONTH BECAUSE YOUR FRAUD PREVENTION TEAM STOPPED PAYMENT FOR IT.

Three months ago I called HSBC and pointed out that this happens every month. "Ah yes Mr. Spencer, I can see that in your account. I can confirm that we will not phone you again about these transactions." Bull. Shit. Two months ago when they called back I brought it up again, in a slightly more irate manner. "Ah yes Mr. Spencer you need to speak to my colleague about that, hang on." I spoke to his colleague and explained it all AGAIN.

Then they called back a few weeks ago. I explained it all again. Everything was fine, again; no fraud or unusual activity (SO WHY DID YOU CALL?). The card is fine and working, the EngineYard payment will go through, I'm told. I explain to the guy that if I ever have a phone call like this again where I have to explain, for the millionth time, why my business uses American hosting providers, I will change banks and never look back. "No, no Mr. Spencer, I'm trying to help you. You just need to speak to my colleague..."

No, I don't. I've spoken to everyone. Nobody I have ever dealt with at HSBC has any respect for my time. I've repeated myself dozens of times with HSBC to no avail, at every step of the process, to different staff members who can't pass a message along to save me from having to explain it again.

I tell the Indian guy that I'll leave him to resolve it. If he can't then that's fine, we'll switch banks.

He calls back to say it's all resolved. A week later, an email from EngineYard. Card declined.

Cheerio, HSBC.